Miss You

I still have tears in the corner of my eyes when I wake. The dream was so vivid- I swear it was your voice that brought me to the morning. But it couldn't be. You've been gone for several years now.

You shouldn't be gone you know. Way too soon. Too many things weren't said and too many things were just left unresolved. I can't remember if I got to tell you how much you meant to me. I'd like to think you know, but...Well, how do I know?

I can't seem to rid my eyes of the tears. They have dried but they still stay, burning with memories.

You saved me. You were there the day I almost wasn't. You stayed and held me and helped me become me again. I told you that didn't I? That you were my rock, my hope?

I can't stop thinking about what used to be. I miss the past, a part of my life that can't be relived, simply because...that life is gone.

I miss you.

Watering the Yard

I have this little section in my phone that I put down writing ideas. I used to carry a little notebook and never was without a pen. There's something a little sad about how that's changed but I'm not sure what it is. 

I water the yard in the morning. It's amazing how easily something can become routine. I walk a route around the yard, carrying the hose. I water the snapdragons first, then rose and raspberry bushes, the herb bed, the herbs in pots on the porch and then my favorite, the raised bed.

I pull the hose as far as it will go and stand at one end of the bed. The shining arc of water sways rhythmically as I move the hose gently back and forth. The wood frame darkens from the spray as I make my way from one end to the other. The inch high sprout of corn that glows bright green in morning sun is near the end. The corn that I planted. All by myself, in a grid shape- because that's supposed to be the best way.

I glance at the pond. No need to fill today. There are several brown spots in the yard. We like to talk about why they might be there-the yard is new to both of us.

I don't mind the lighter patches. Sometimes, in the evening when I'm walking around looking for things to weed, I'll come across one of those spots. They feel good on my bare feet, different from the green grass. The brown spots are warm, like hay in a summer field. Reminds me of grandma's house in eastern Washington. Reminds me of her.

I soak the brown spots last.

Three knobs to twist before all the water is turned off. One at the handle, two at the faucet. Never seen that before but it makes sense to me. The hose lives on a hose rack-something else foreign to me. It's amazing how quickly you learn new routines.  I turn the crank to wind the hose, careful to keep out kinks and not to coil it tightly.

I check the strawberries. Almost. Glance at the cherry tree. Maybe three days. The raspberries. Only a few today.

The dogs are barking on two sides and I talk to them through the fence. "It's ok pups. I promise, I'm not going to hurt you."   Sometimes it seems like it helps.

The cats are at the slider, staring intently through the screen. They didn't come out with me today. I'm meeting a friend for lunch and I don't have time for cat watch.

I pad across the deck, open the slider. I shuffle the cats gently with my foot, "No. Get back. Nope. Back cats." In the voice that doesn't mean treats are coming.

No escapees.  I kick off what are now my 'outside' shoes and take note of the pine needles in the carpet just inside the door. I'll have to vacuum soon. I walk into the kitchen and start the water to boil for my coffee. Reward for completing my chore.

When the coffee is made, I go to the slider again. I open it, noticing the water droplets from only minutes ago are gone from the porch. It's going to be hot today. I go to the little table and chairs we set up there and sit down. I close my eyes and smile, listening. The birds are singing, the pond is bubbling, the dogs are quiet for the moment and I am at peace.

I open my eyes, take a sip of my coffee. My eyes travel the yard.
That rose is starting.
Looks like the bunny might have gotten to the plant in the corner. Hmm. I wonder if that's the bird they were talking about the other night.
I think I'll do some weeding tomorrow.

My Period is Coming...A Helpful Guide

I was talking with a girlfriend the other day and it occurred to us that women basically only feel 'normal' one week a month. It varies from the individual of course, but generally speaking? That whole, 'bitches be crazy' thing isn't really that far off. It's because our hormones are raging like all the time.

And as we get older, it gets worse. It feels like puberty in reverse. You still get horny at weird times, things are changing in size and you find yourself eating nothing but junk food.

I live with a man now. One that I care for and kind of don't want to freak out with my hormonal weirdness. I yelled at the water dispenser tonight and then grabbed my pint of Ben and Jerry's like it was Gollum's Precious. I could scare him.

So I decided to create a list of all the possible PMS symptoms I'll have in the course of my lifetime.

Or next month.

Sweet cravings-Hi Ben, Jerry. Nice to see you again
Salty cravings
Meat cravings-seriously, I could live on ribeyes
Sexy time cravings

Fatigue
Restlessness
Trouble sleeping
Sleeping a ton
Heightened anxiety
Heightened depression (Yay.)
Severe cranky pants
Severe sad pants for literally no reason. I've cried at TV commericals, South Park episodes, and because the soap was too slippery.
Heightened sensitivity
Low self confidence or the "Everything I wear makes me look fat" feeling

Clumsiness
Forgetfullness
Easily distracted
Indecision

Sore boobs
Itchy nipples
Pimples-seriously, wtf?
Ovulation cramps
First day cramps
Headaches
Bloating
Oh, and bleeding.

I could have any combination of these symptoms, at any given time. For three weeks out of the month. It's enough to make you crazy.

Brace Yourself...My Period is Coming

Fog

I wrote it and reread it and changed it a little and then reread it again and then rewrote it a bit more...But now it's sent and there's no turning back and fuck I hope this doesn't continue.

My anxiety has been bordering on full intensity the last few days but I've been working hard to try and keep it at bay. I went for a walk, I talk to my fella about what I'm going through and I ask for advice from different people to gain lots of perspective. I'm trying to work through this.

I thought it might be getting better and then something hit me fast and I felt it sink into me like lead in a lake. I fought against it, but it's still hanging in there a bit, like the lingering ring of a phone in an empty house.

I'm sleeping more.

I went to bed early last night and slept late today. I woke with a heaviness in my head-like my mind was wrapped in gauze. I can't tell if it's mental or physical fog.

I'm eating whatever I want.

I ate sunflower seeds for lunch yesterday, Almond Roca for dinner. I drink coffee and crave that jolt of caffeine to come, just so I feel more up. It didn't come this morning.

Being outside yesterday, the air felt good. I got back in the car after my walk and felt aches I'd been denying flare to the surface, making me regret my attempt at exercise. The two things aren't related, but I made them that way in my head.

Before I left home, a coworker told me, "You'll probably go through a depression."   I'm not even sure he knows what that word means, because for someone that has it, it doesn't just mean 'sad'. And I don't know if that's what this is. I just don't feel...right, right now.

I might be ok this afternoon. I might need a day or so. Maybe I'll feel better when I go home and see Dad for my birthday. Maybe I'll be reminded why I'm happy to be here. I need to ride this through.

I hope they don't respond to my letter. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want things to be challenging and for life to be hard right now. I just want to enjoy new things and let myself be for a little while. I want to go have lunch with my friends, make new friends, explore and learn new things...

I want the fog to lift.

Anxious

So much anxiety. I can't focus on anything. I'm completely distracted and I have trouble reconnecting myself to anything that doesn't involve leading a team.

My manager role was incredibly self defining. I know I'm more than that of course but I'm not sure how to use those parts.

I'm loving the life I'm in now. I truly enjoy getting up and watering the plants, tidying up the kitchen and leisurely enjoying my coffee. I'm trying to write more but sometimes inspiration is quiet.

I'm literally forcing myself to write this today because maybe if I feel like I've really accomplished something I won't feel so anxious.

Writing that, it sounds like I just need to go back to work. But the thought of doing that right now kind of makes the anxiety worse. I know I could have a few options if I was ready for them but I feel so mixed up right now. I know I wouldn't be helpful.

I am most worried about money. God how I hate money. I hate that I need it to enjoy a lot of the things that I like to do. Even just wandering around a new city costs money.

I'm worried that despite his gentle assurances that it won't, resentment will build within my fella and our relationship will suffer. I want so much to feel confident is his understanding and the fact that I struggle with it bothers me. It's all inside my head and I don't know how to let it go.

Except through writing. So I'm here. Forcing the words out.

I worry about driving too and how I'm not doing it. I need to learn how but first I need to visit the DMV and that in itself is a bit of a chore because I don't have the money to update my ID/permit. Again. MONEY. I joke about selling my ovaries but seriously...I have just gone from working more than full time to not working at all.

I am working hard to adjust from complete independence to total dependence. I am trying but today...fuck I feel anxious.

I have a coffee date with an old coworker. Maybe that's part of it. I know the conversation will inevitably come around to whether or not I'll return and I'm just not ready. But how do I say that without seeming ungrateful for the offer?

I know I have to do what's best for me but I'm not sure what that is right now.

I just want peace.

Jump

I was walking down the sidewalk behind my group of friends. We were wandering around Broadway after dark and all the shops were closed. I saw a photo in a store front window and stopped.

The man in the photo was wearing a three piece suit. He was falling from a skyscraper's window in haunting black and white. I was transfixed and drowning in morbid curiosity instantly. Why did he jump? Did he have to break the window? What did he think of as he was falling? Did he think of anyone before he met the ground? 

What did the photographer think? He had to have known there was nothing he could do... His muse was destined to fall. Perhaps the realization came to the photographer suddenly? He somehow thought, with just a quick reach for the camera, a man's life is...suspended, forever frozen in wondrous, weightless flight. And not...death.   

Eventually my friends noticed I wasn't laughing alongside them and they came back to pull me from the window. I never saw the photo again.  I looked for it every time I was on Broadway and that was a lot when I was seventeen and coffee at midnight was cool.

I wonder who bought it.

Weirdo

The tv was on for noise and one of those eharmony commercials came on. I wasn't really paying attention but the music caught my ear. The voiceover says jovially, "Isn't it time you started looking for your perfect person?"

And without even thinking about it, I responded, "Already did."

Ok, I know it sounds cheesy. And maybe a little weird. I was talking to a tv commercial after all. But the reaction washed over me like a splash of sunlight. I just know.

I've said that many times over the years and each time I thought I was sure. In the past,  as I told myself everything was fine, or that 'he' was the one...even as I smiled and swooned with friends...I was always a little doubtful.

That's what is so completely amazing about now. I have never had even one second of doubt or wonder. I know with every inch of my heart that I am exactly where I should be.

I feel... full. Happy and content. I know I'm loved. And appreciated. And respected. And all the things I've always deserved and only pretended I had before.

The lies we tell ourselves are the most cruel. The truth always comes and when it does it's cold and hard. It slices in and rips out the heart that had dare love again. It brings pain that lingers for what seems like always. It makes you wish you'd just kept believing the lies.

But you start to heal. It takes longer for some and it's always different. But you heal. And you start to believe again. Every time, a little stronger and wiser.  The heart that had been so wounded becomes proud of its scars. A survivor.

Ready to live.

It wasn't until my heart had survived that I  finally began to be ok with who I am. So many people had advised me this is how it would happen but I wasn't ready to hear them. I already thought I was ok.

I've changed. Something inside clicked and it felt like I was finally able to breathe. I felt the confidence others had assured me was there. I knew I could be myself. My muppet loving, Star Wars obsessed, book sniffing, singing to the cats crazy person that I am. I knew someone would be mine and appreciate all that weirdness and even if they never did...I would. I would love me.

And I do.
And it's because I do...that I can love him.

I Am Loved

When I was 25 or so, I wasn't happy. I was miserable actually. I ate poorly and lived on my couch watching movies, loathing myself. I cried a lot and had moments where I didn't know who I was. I didn't care.

But I had friends that cared about me and they tried to help. They got me out of the house. It didn't feel like they were helping me at the time. Being around other people and dealing with...well, life, was a sort of sick torture. I wasn't going through a phase-I was incredibly depressed and eventually...suicidal. 

I remember being in the car with some friends. We were out on a drive, smoking pot and listening to music. I had rolled the window down and laid my head on the door. I blinked into the cold air and stayed that way until my face grew numb. My friend driving turned to me, "You ok?"

I didn't answer until he asked me again. I finally responded, "Do you ever just not care if you live or die?"

At that moment, I really wanted to know. If he had that thought go through him too, maybe I wasn't crazy. Maybe I'd be ok. 

He just kind of looked at me and then returned his focus to the road. I remember hoping we'd crash. 

Another day, when I was feeling a little better, I was at the mall. I walked by a store that had a bowl full of buttons on display. Bright red buttons with white letters telling me "I Am Loved".  I took one and attached it to my purse. 

It stayed there a long time. When I was visiting my therapist, I could see it on the strap, reminding me, I Am Loved. When I'd call and talk to my parents, it was there. If I was working and I needed it, I could just glance at my purse under the counter and know...I Am Loved. 

I got better. 

Recently, while I was packing, I came across the button. It was in a bag with other memories, a bit rusted around the pin but still bright red with white letters. I Am Loved. 

I held it in my hand and let myself remember who I'd been 15 years ago. That button had helped me mend. Every time I saw it, I read those three words and over time, I began to believe it. And trust it. And eventually...accept it. 

After a moment, I put the button back in the bag. 

I didn't need it anymore. 

Inner Fight

Everyone around me seems so calm. They talk about how I'll have a garden and be able to relax and how nice it will be to be out of where I am.

And all I think about is what am I going to do for money? How will I contribute to the home when I won't have income right away? How will I learn to be ok with letting my boyfriend take care of me?Even if it is only temporary? What am I going to do if I can't find anything? What if resentment builds and our relationship suffers? What if the fucking cat pees on something he loves? What if the store suffers because I'm gone? Why do I even care?

I want to distance myself and I'm struggling to do so. I'm clinging to what's comfortable, despite how wonderful I know change can be. Fear.

Literally two days ago I couldn't be more happy with how things were going. Today, in about 30 minutes-everything changed. The dip in the roller coaster was fast and unexpected. I should have known.

 Always fighting the ride.

I found some dark poetry in an old journal while I was packing. I feel a little sad today but I'm never going to be the girl that wrote those pages again. I think I thought the poem was good because it rhymed. It wasn't.


I know logically that yes, everything will be fine. I even know that if it doesn't go fine, it will still be ok. But not right now. I'm working on it though.

H.

You could tell she wasn't the kind of person that showed her feelings.

I knew she knew it wouldn't be long. I saw tears building in her eyes as she told me her story. I asked her if she wanted a hug and for a split second she hesitated before letting me hold her. She sobbed against my shoulder and then quickly gathered herself.

"I'm sorry, " she whispered, hurriedly wiping away her feelings.

I put my hand on her arm, "Please don't be. It's fine. Really."

She sniffled a little and then we talked about something else until she left.

She came back today. He's gone now and as she shared with me pictures and stories, her eyes filled once more.

I could tell she wasn't the kind of person that shared her feelings much. Yet here she was, clearly grieving. I hugged her again and this time she let me.

She told me she would miss me and wished me well before leaving.

I took a few moments alone.


 

The Worry

"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."

I wish it was as easy as just believing that. I've been worried about just about everything for as long as I can remember. Over the years I've learned to trust certain people and situations more but occasionally The Worry pops up and screams at me about every tiny thing imaginable.

"Don't stress out so much."

Yes alright. If only I could. It's not easy for me to control. The Worry is invasive and creeps in like ivy. Unnoticeable at first and then suddenly it's everywhere and you're scrambling for a hedge trimmer before it takes over. Sometimes it feels easier just to let it grow.

I have some pretty big life changes happening. I'm leaving the city I grew up in, my job, my friends, my home...I'm moving in with someone that I absolutely trust and love and am excited to move in with but it won't be just me and the cats anymore.

I have made half a dozen lists of things I need to do. I've told so many people I can't remember who knows and who doesn't. I've tried counting down the days and not counting down. I've tried meditating too, just to give my mind some peace.

I've gotten a cold, I don't sleep very well and I'm justifying cheesy poofs and m&ms for dinner way too easily. I can tell The Worry is winning right now and it pisses me off because I just don't know how to fight it anymore.

I try looking ahead-at the day when all my books are unpacked and the house smells like us and I'm drinking my morning coffee on my back porch because holy shit I'll have a back porch, and that helps a little. But as soon as I let myself enjoy that moment, The Worry pops up with reminders of unemployment and lack of a car and no friends nearby to share that moment with.

"Everything will be fine. You deserve this!"

Why?  I mean, thank you...but why? I'm no better than anyone else.  Having a home? Isn't this is the way a lot of people just... live?

 I have had amazing support throughout this and I've truly been overwhelmed sometimes. It's a great and exciting thing and the kindness I've received is beautiful and so appreciated but sometimes The Worry fucks with that too and makes me wonder why it's happening. How did this happen? Is it going to fall apart? What will I do if it does?

"Trust me."

The Worry likes to invite What If to the mind fuck sometimes and when the two of them get together it's a storm inside my head. I lay awake and stare at my phone or the ceiling, reeling with all the things to do I should have already done. The doubt and anxiety tumble into one another, crashing like waves and I feel like I'm drowning.  I struggle to breathe...in through my nose, out through my mouth. I place my hand on my stomach, focus on the light weight of it as my chest rises and falls. I begin to see the surface and remember...

"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."

Consciousness

It's windy outside. The chimes are loud. An hour ago I was on the couch, my eyes heavy and threatening sleep. Now I lay with eyes wide open, my mind racing.

I can feel my heart rate go up as I struggle to focus on my breathing. In through my nose, slowly out through my mouth. Fuck those wind chimes are loud.

The cat next to me groan/growls as I turn onto my side. Clearly this king size bed isn't big enough for both of us.

I start playing with my lip, pulling the skin I've been chewing on. My fingers trace my mouth, critically finding every imperfection. A pimple? I thought I was too old for those.

Another cat at the base of the bed meows. His meow is plaintive, almost a yowl. He wants on the bed but the disgruntled elder cat will freak and he knows it.

I  could read for awhile I suppose but it's so late already and I have to work in the morning. I could take melatonin I guess, but the last time I did I got sick and now I'm paranoid it will happen again.

Still the chimes.  The last cat jumps from the window sill onto the bed, successfully passes grumpy pants and starts to purr. It's a comforting sound and much softer than the bells outside.

I could close the window but then the cool breeze that's been visiting will go away.  It feels delicious on my bare arms.

My eyes are getting a little droopy now...the chimes are being subdued by the wind... The cats are quiet....

Sleep....

I Don't Know

I can feel that things are going to change soon. It scares me and thrills me at the same time.

I often get this way this time of year. The buds of new beginnings are decorating dark tree branches and the sun is shining more. Changed from the gray skies that have been for months.

I want to talk to my dad about the things I want to do but I'm afraid he'll say what he always does. He doesn't understand why I don't have my license yet. Sometimes I don't either. I talk to him about everything but this...feels like I need to do it on my own. But do what?

I am so inspired by others. I've seen several friends take that scary plunge of doing something different and watched them spread their wings and fly.

My fear is that I'll start to fly and just keep flying until I'm so exhausted I don't know where I am and then...I fall. I suppose that's everyone's fear.

Every time I'm away from home, I don't miss it. That's always been a sign it was time to move on. But there are things that need to happen first and I understand that. But most of the time, I just want to say fuck it and run away. I suppose that's everyone's thought sometimes.

I've got to figure myself out.

K

About a week or so ago we noticed she had alcohol on her breath. She seemed a little inappropriate-flirting with the staff- when she'd always been professional before. We didn't think too much of it though-to each their own and no harm done.

Recently she visited the store, asked to use the bathroom. I let her in to have some privacy and when she came back out she had tears in her eyes and she was shaking.

She's a customer. I know her dog's name and what kind of food he likes. She's the kind of customer that comes in smiling and brings us treats because we give her dog treats. She's funny and kind and it saddens me to see she's clearly suffering.

I ask her if she needs a hug and she falls into me. She's shorter than me and gets on her tiptoes so she can lay her head on my shoulder and cry into my neck. She's shaking with sobs, saying she's sorry as she lets go of whatever is hurting her. I hold her, concerned. She's like a child.

When she steps back she wipes her eyes and tells me.

"Just before new year's I was leaving my apartment and there were some guys outside in the parking lot, hanging out. They came at me, punched me in the face and knocked me out. When I came to they were gone and I didn't know if they-if-"

She trails off, shaking her head and it's then I notice the bruises and small cuts on her forehead and nose.

"I went to Harborview and they did an exam. They told me it appeared unlikely but-I just-I didn't know-"

She dissolves into tears again and I pull her to me once more. I can feel her fear and it mingles with my own. The terror she must have felt. The not knowing. I stroke her hair, ask her if she has someone to stay with her. She assures me she does and then she tells me she just wants to go home and sleep.

After she left I stood there a moment, trying to absorb what she'd told me. I'm glad I was there for her.  I've never had someone hug me like that-when they so clearly needed to be held. It was powerful.

A few days ago I found out she checked herself back into rehab. She'd fallen a bit in the aftermath of her ordeal and was able to recognize she needed help to mend.

Her story haunts me for so many reasons but it's her strength that I think of when I think of her. She may have stumbled in her recovery but she picked herself back up and she will survive this.  

And Then Some

I had big plans to start eating better two days ago and instead I made a fantastically huge breakfast. I sat on my couch in my robe with my boyfriend and watched cartoons and ate bacon and eggs and potatoes and bratwurst and kraut and coffee and it was ridiculously tasty.

After breakfast we took a nap.

Not very new year's resolution-y.

It was amazing.

After the nap, we went grocery shopping and bought food to make an equally stellar dinner. While we were in the store and I was perusing shelves, he called his parents to wish them a happy new year. I liked him just a little bit more then.

He's so thoughtful. And considerate. And funny. And responsible but still spontaneous. He's adorable. And honest. And kind. And gentle but still strong. He's everything I knew I wanted but didn't think I'd find.

We had ice cream after breakfast. With nutmeat. Sounds like an inside joke and it is. It's also little bits of pistachio.


Went to the Nutcracker with the girls this year and it was lovely as it always is. We posed in front of the same place everyone else did while a stranger took our picture. Moments later and I see us in a text message. I see me. Yup. Still fat. But this time I don't feel a pang of sadness with the realization.

I mean, I guess I do a little, but it doesn't make me want to create a self-hate crime. Instead I feel hope override the disappointment. For the first time in maybe ever, I believe I can change. I have told myself more times than I can count that this would be the year I finally lose weight and get my license and fall in love and get a raise and move into a house and travel and do all the other things I tell myself I'm going to do.

This time I feel like I can do all those things and then some. I need to be healthier. I need to make some changes. I want to do the then some.

I like the picture from the Nutcracker. It shows me with my friends. I'm smiling and standing with my arms around them, and they're smiling too. We're celebrating who we are with each other and it's beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Happy

I didn't sleep well at all last night and this morning it feels a bit like some evil little imp came and shoved cotton up my nose while I was unconscious. I can't afford to get sick right now-I truly don't have time.

One of my staffers called last night and quit. Her last day is the 31st and I wish her so much luck and happiness because I'm her friend but I'm stressing out about the upcoming inventory counts because I'm her boss. I hate inventory.

My wifi went all stupid this morning and it wasn't until I finally picked up the phone to call Comcast that it started working properly. Like it knew.

Its raining and drab and kinda cold and so very winter today. I have a long day at work ahead of me and I'd like very much to just crawl under my blankets and try that sleep thing one more time.

I smashed my thumb in a cupboard yesterday and of course I have hit it no less than a dozen times since.

BUT

I'm happy.

I sang a silly little song about a jar of cookie butter in my pantry and it made me laugh and I took a moment to just laugh at myself.

I had a text from my more than friend waiting for me this morning-just like every morning since we've started being more than friends-and it made me reflect on how far I've come since He Who Shall Not Be Named.  I used to think that he damaged me, ruined me for anyone else but now I wonder if maybe he didn't help me.

If I hadn't gone through all that, if I hadn't known what I absolutely don't want or need, I couldn't appreciate this new wonder that has come over me.

This feels easy, comfortable, exciting and complete. I feel like we've known each other always as we get to know each other more each day. He makes me laugh and think about things and he's kind and being with him feels like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be.

But my happiness isn't just because of him and that's new too. In the past, being happy had relied on whether or not I had a guy in my life. This time, I went in slow, let things develop on their own and made sure that my head and heart were in a good place. I have taken good friends' advice and not overanalyzed things, looking for something to be wrong. I'm just enjoying it. And him. My more than friend...

By the End, I'm Ok

Today was...a day.

I woke up to find a message from a friend. A friend that is becoming a little more than that and it was nice to feel that feeling without being afraid of it.

Work was a Monday and it's near the first of the month and there's so much to do and I have orientation with the new girl today and wait, did anyone take the deposit? and "Lindsay phone for you, it's your boss. Shouldn't have done that. Fix it and smile! It's retail! You're an example!"

Sigh.

And then a text from someone I didn't need to hear from. A message proving what I didn't see all along. Selfish. Ugly. Hurtful. Sociopath.

I got through that one ok. Took me a minute. I had to let myself feel every cruel word one more time because the wound is healing but it's still red and it hurts when you poke it.

I got through the rest of the Monday, closed up shop. I found a message from the friend and it made me smile. I was back on the upside.

Finally starting to relax, sort of watching the TV I hear the sound of what unfortunately is so very familiar now and I know...that cat is ruining something. I want to cry with frustration as I clean up the mess again. I realize I can't keep doing this and I plea with friends to help me.

I want to cry now. Work stress. Hurtful reminders. Cats. But I don't. Instead I remember that everything is going to be ok in the end.

If it's not ok, it isn't the end.

Morning Sun

The winter sun is so orange. It seems so much brighter than the sun in June and yet I can look at it with my eyes wide open. There's frost on the cars going past my window and the birds that haven't already gone south are taunting the kitten through the glass. I have a peaceful song playing and my coffee is freshly brewed. These moments are so gently treasured. I sink into them without guilt and relish that I'm alone with myself.

Landslide starts to play and suddenly mom is with me too. I can smell her hair and see her smile. I can hear her voice with mine as I sing along with Stevie. I let the emotion of the words flow over me and I don't mind when my eyes swell a bit with tears.

The sun is more yellow now but still not a summer sun. I can see the cold outside in the breath from passersby, the exhaust from cars, the slow melt of frozen dew.

Now as the sun starts to make its way across the keyboard the rays become sharp. They pierce through the blinds and into my eyes. I wince against them, a hand to my forehead shielding.

Later the sun rides high in the sky, reminding me the day is going to go on. I feel it's warmth through the window, know it's deceiving. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to see the light. I want to do nothing I need to do.

The sun will come out tomorrow.

Just

Just don't be nice to me.

If you're nice to me than I'll think you care and when you eventually show me that you don't...  I don't want to feel that. Not again.

If you're nice to me, I'll cry. And when I cry it makes me feel weak...I don't want you to see that. Not again.

Just leave me alone in my darkness. Don't ask me if I'm ok. Don't offer to sit with me or hug me. Don't touch me with your kindness or your hands.

Just let me feel this. Let me breath it in and fill my lungs with it. Let me drown.

Are you ok?

I'm ok. Sort of. I'm getting through the day.

Well I think you're a nifty person.

Even when I'm like this?

I know this isn't the real you.

Choice

She's been there for a few months now. I recognize her shopping cart from halfway down the block. It has a red and white afghan that hangs off the side. Sometimes she's asleep when I go past. Sometimes, she sees me and looks away. I tried smiling at her once but she shook her head. A man was with her once. He had lots of bags with him but no blankets. His feet were wet from standing in the rain. He was wearing slippers.


Sometimes she's across the street, curled  up on the bus stop bench. She covers her head with the afghan when she tries to sleep.

I wonder how she got there, where she came from. I wonder how I can help her, if she'd let me if I tried. I wonder who the man was and if he'll be back someday. I wonder where she goes at night-she just always seems to be there.

I walked home tonight with a grocery bag and my coat. It was pouring down rain and I thought how I couldn't wait to get home and out of my wet clothes. I was replaying the day in my mind, thinking about things I could have done better at work. I wasn't looking forward to coming home and doing chores-laundry, dishes...

I got closer to the bus stop where she'd been this morning and saw that her cart was tucked under cover. I didn't see her until I got closer and then all I saw was her feet sticking out from under a blanket. I glanced at her from under my rain soaked hood and saw her foot move. I couldn't see her face because it was covered with clothes, blankets, and other pieces of her life.

I turned the corner and swallowed hard. Tears pricked my eyes as I rounded the corner to home. Without a word, I'd been reminded how very lucky I am.

Drowning In My Own Black Waters

I call it the darkness.

I fall into it, the darkness. It engulfs me all at once, and it's cold. I struggle against it, desperately try to reach the surface. Depression is my darkness.

I still laugh. And I make jokes and I say silly things. But it's not real. No one knows that though. I've been doing this a long time, wearing this face. It fits better than my real one. I feel pain. Physical pain. I feel achy and tired in my neck, shoulders, feet and back. I have an intense personal pressure to be over it even though I don't know what it is.

The darkness pulls at me over and over again, repeating every terrible thought I can summon.

I'm broken. I need to be better than I am. I'm not good enough. I'm not what I thought I should be by now and everyone in the whole world knows I've never really done fucking anything with my life and just why exactly am I still here? Who the fuck am I?  I'm going to die alone but not before Dad does-he's 72!-and even though he says he will, he won't live forever and how the fuck am I going to get through that? Death. Mom. Loss. Grief. Has it been too long to still feel this way when I think of her? Am I ever going to feel normal?'I'm living in a smelly apartment because I have cats -how cliche- and I stopped giving a shit that it smells like shit. I might be giving up. I watch TV and ignore my chores and eat fucking M&Ms and write depressing blogs that no one actually reads. I'm fat and not fucking ok with it and the new haircut doesn't matter because I didn't lose a chin, just got bangs for fuck's sake. 

I struggle. But I don't cry. I don't know if I know how to anymore. At some point I decided there wasn't any point. I try to stay distracted. That's not so easy to do when you have no desire to do anything but sleep and watch Netflix. Work helps. I put a lot of focus into my job and I allow myself to enjoy the successes each day brings. I told someone today that if I didn't have a job, I don't know what I'd do. That scares the shit out of me and the thought becomes another layer to the darkness. 

It's too much sometimes. Overwhelming and dark, cold and consuming. Like I'm drowning. 

Fat

I'm fat. If I was fat and happy then fuck it right? At least I'm happy.  Except I'm kind of not happy right now and I feel the need to whine about it on my blog.

I got my haircut today. I got bangs again and my layers cleaned up. The girl was nice and overall it was a nice experience. Usually I feel pretty after I get my haircut. Except today. Today the giant mirror before the salon chair showed me how fat I was. I'm so big now that my head is starting to look small.

I always thought I carried myself well and that I 'wasn't that bad' but goddammit...I am. I'm not overweight or 'a big girl'. Those are words and phrases I've told myself to avoid using that crushing three letter word.

Fat.
I'm not happy about it.

This is where I promise myself to start eating better and to get back on the treadmill and to not binge, impulse buy sweets, or live off of carbs for the weekend...And this is when I start to feel like shit that I've done all those things and that it's my own fucking fault I'm this way.

I don't like these feelings, but they are very real. Sometimes I try to laugh about it. I'll make a little jab at myself. I try to say it before someone else does. If the thought went through my mind, surely someone else is thinking it. Beat 'em to the punch.

I'm not always wrong you know. There are people that don't like fat people. There are people that find them disgusting and lazy and stupid. I know this because that's just life. I'm not all butt hurt about those people, it's just a fact that bigotry and ignorance exists.  

I once went to a seminar with a friend. The speaker spent some time showing us ways to help purge ourselves of negative thought. I found the concept interesting and was looking forward to seeing how the evening played out. At one point, the speaker suggested crossing your legs to provide a more comfortable sitting style. She looked at me and began, "Lindsay, if you can't cross your-"
She cut herself off, "Oh, you got it! Good for you!"

Yes. I can cross my legs. Good for me.

Another woman approached me later and introduced herself. She told me she was so glad to meet me because she'd always been nervous to meet someone like me before. When I asked her what she meant she said, "Oh you know, someone of your size." She said that she didn't think we'd have anything in common but after meeting me, she knew I was just a person.

Just a person. Jesus what else would I be?

I know these people weren't trying to be hurtful. They had no way to know that I would always remember what they said.

Once, when I was walking home, a guy driving by slowed down and leaned out his window, "You should look into Jenny Craig girl!"

Thank you random stranger.

I spent several weeks talking to a guy once on AOL (yes, that long ago) and when I sent him my picture he told me he didn't date fat girls. When AOL was new, I wasn't even fat. I just thought I was.

But I know I am now and as much as I tell myself how awesome I am no matter what size, today it fucking sucks to be an overweight big girl that carries it well.

Today I feel fat.

Happy Birthday

Hi Mama
Hi Honey, how are you?
I'm ok.
Just ok?
Well, tomorrow is your birthday.
That's right! How old would I have been?
61.
61! Wow that's young, isn't it?
Yes it is Mama
What have you been up to the last eight years?
How much time do you have Mom?
Honey. I have all the time in the world.

I swear I can hear her voice. I can smell her perfume and hear her bracelets sing while she claps her hands at something that wasn't very funny. Except to her. I can feel her arms around me, holding me while I cry and her hands stroking my head. I can hear her humming gentle folk songs into my hair and smell her shampoo. She is with me so strongly right now. The day before her birthday.

But I can't hear her advice. I can't hear what she might say if I asked her for advice about work or about a guy I was dating. I can't taste her banana bread even if I have the recipe committed to memory. I can smell the scent Opium but never again on her skin. I wish she was here so strongly right now. The day before her birthday.


Hi Mama

Luna

One night my mom and dad were out on a drive.

My mom was looking out the window, watching the moon follow her. They stopped at a corner near home and mom made a comment on how bright the moon was that night. Dad nodded, looked over,  and told her she was looking at a streetlight

I love that story.

My mom saw the moon in the glow of a streetlight. She saw the beauty in all things and it was a trait she shared with me. Whenever the moon is big and so bright you almost have to squint when you gaze upon it, I think of mom.

Full moon tonight. 

Netflixing

Sometimes, when I've worked the night shift and I can't wind down, I'll troll Netflix for something to fall asleep to. Tonight I went to my "Watch it Again" section because I was almost tired enough but still needed a sound to fall asleep to.

The small pictures went past and I started to smile. This list is such a good representation of me.

In no particular order:

Once Upon a Time
Aadams Family
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Breaking Bad
Spaceballs
The X-Files
The Emperor's New Groove
The Sword in the Stone
Dexter
Robin Hood
Clue
Paranorman
Walking Dead
Ghostbusters
Doc of the Dead
Firefly
Lost
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Twin Peaks
Ever After
The Cabin in the Woods
The Muppet Movie
Psych
The Breakfast Club
Gladiator
Freaks and Geeks
Trading Places
Fargo
Coming to America
Birth of the Living Dead
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Reservoir Dogs
The Graduate
12 Angry Men
Flowers
The Italian Job
The Following
Exit Through the Gift Shop


Classics. Cartoons. Documentaries. Zombies. 80s flicks. Old TV shows. New TV shows. Muppets. This list couldn't be more of a description of me.

Not The One

Today is August 24, 2014.

I don't know you very well yet. We've been chatting for about a week. Sort of. We haven't spoken on the phone yet. I understand it's a rarity to have a conversation on the phone these days and I'm learning to be ok with it.

I "met" you (your profile) through an online dating site. Your name doesn't start with a J and even though that's really nothing, it was something. I like the way you talk about your children and that you aren't looking for their new mom. You said all of you had big enough hearts to make room for the right person. I like that.

I like that you're clever and that you are not afraid to let me know you're interested. Even it's only friendly right now, it's nice to receive little hellos throughout the day. Or to be asked how my day is going.

You seem to be honest. You seem to be kind and maybe a wee bit vulnerable-as though you know sadness is a very real part of life. You don't come across as weak; you seem intelligent and thoughtful, sensitive and sincere. I like that too.

I like your eyes.

I like that we both want to believe in the fairy tale, even if we know better. I like that I already feel as though I've made a friend.

Today is August 26, 2014

 I know your last name now. And that you want to meet me soon. I know that we both like the ocean and aren't really good housekeepers and that you feel comfortable with me and I like all those things.

I like that you asked how I slept, that you said good morning.

Today is August 28, 2014

I like that you randomly texted me to say hi. I like that you asked me if I'd seen the moon.

I like that you described an old movie to me and I could sense your enthusiasm even from a text.

I like that you tell dad jokes that make me laugh.

Today is August 30, 2014

I like the way you talk about your ex wife. I can tell it's over but that you still respect her as your kids' mother.

I like that you say good night and good morning to me, and that last night because of my schedule we didn't chat much and you said you missed that.

I like that you ask me random questions like, "do  you like pork chops?" just to get to know me better.

I like that we're taking this slow and as a result, I'm being challenged to do things differently.

I like that you like the same things as me, that we seem to share the same values and that you seem to get me....already. How can it have only been two weeks since we first talked?

I like that too. It seems like only yesterday and also like months. Fresh and familiar, comfortable and new.

Today is September 1, 2014

You brought up meeting me again today. You also told me that a girl  you contacted was cute, but that you thought she was too nice. That I had an 'edge' and that you needed that in a partner. I liked that.

I know it's such a simple thing, but saying good morning to me is something I like quite a bit.

I like how you're not afraid to tell me things that some people might. You don't mind telling me that you are in therapy, that you have been lonely....that you have a vulnerable side.

It seems like we would be able to find things to do together, either just us or with your kids and have fun, laugh and enjoy ourselves. I like the idea of getting to know you.

Is it too soon to start liking all of these things about you? Maybe I should cool my jets until we see each other in person.

Today is September 10, 2014

We have plans to meet this Sunday and yesterday you told me you were looking forward to it. We only know we're going to have linner together so far but that seems a perfect way to start. I offered to meet you half way and you said you didn't mind the drive. I like that it didn't just seem like something you said.

We have a ridiculous amount in common. It's almost strange. Each time we talk, we find more common ground and it's great. I like clicking with someone and when it's a guy that I'm (at least so far) attracted to, that's a bonus.

I like that you mentioned you were appreciative of something I said. Or didn't say. You were talking about your ex and I didn't badmouth her. I don't see a reason to ever do that to anyone really but you happened to notice it about me and thanked me for it. I like that.
_________________________________________________________
When we discovered we both liked fixer-upper shows last night, I asked if you'd been studying my dating profile or taking notes. You said no, but it occurred to me that you might be-maybe something like what I'm doing here. I don't mind. This process was recommended to me by a friend and it's actually been really great. I'm surprised (pleasantly) that I haven't had any red flags or weird feelings about you. That in itself is a little scary I suppose, almost an other shoe will drop kind of thing but maybe both shoes are already on the ground. Realistically optimistic.

I remember once saying that I hoped I could meet someone that actually liked me, just me. That they didn't care if I was overweight or anxiety ridden or that most of my clothes were covered in cat hair. I just really hoped to find someone like that someday. I feel like maybe he might meet that description. I don't know if we're going to hit it off romantically, but right now it doesn't matter. I'm just looking forward to spending time with him and talking with him live and in person. It's been nearly a month since we started chatting and that's a bit long in the dating scene to wait to meet someone. But in our case, I think it's worked out. We've literally chatted every day, said good morning and good night, asked how each other's day has been....EVERY DAY. That's kind of neat. When I talked to a friend about it she commented how she didn't even do that with her husband. In fairness though, they live together and have been married for years.

I mentioned I was realistically optimistic.  I'm cautious too. And I'm listening to myself. My gut is pretty good at judging people or situations but it's not terribly clear right now. I can't figure it out and I'm actually ok with that. It's weird, letting all that 'what if' shit go. Good weird, but weird different. I'm usually freaking out by now and I've pleasantly surprised myself this time by just...letting things happen.

God, please don't let him be a serial killer.

Today is September 14, 2014

You are on your way to pick me up for our first... date? When we started planning, it was 'hanging out' but you've referred to it as a date a couple times over the last week or so. I like that.

I wasn't nervous until this morning when I started to get dressed, trying to figure out what made me look the least fat. I realized then that it didn't matter. I was going to be who I am regardless of what I'm wearing. It's why you wanted to meet after all.

I have heard your voice on the phone now. It's pleasant, normal. I don't know what I expected really but nothing about you has freaked me out so far.

I like how you suggested a ferry ride today. And then lunch on Bainbridge and wandering around window shopping. Perfect way to get to know each other more and it was all your idea.

I like how honest you were yesterday. You told me your day had been kind of shitty and that you were feeling a bit down. I like that you talked to me about why and that you knew that the feeling wouldn't last. I like that you told me one of your struggles is to think about things in the future rather than just the 'now'.

I like that several times you've mentioned that talking to me has solidified what you want in a partner. I like that. Even though you didn't necessarily imply that was me.

I like the excitement and the comfort that I feel about you being on your way to pick me up. I'm nervous, sure. You're someone new. But I'm excited for our adventure. And I feel comfortable talking with you so I know I can be myself and not feel stupid.

I like that you asked if I wanted to make a bracelet. You recently bought one of those loom things and you've been telling me about the bracelets for awhile. I would love to do something like that and you're bringing it. You didn't need to but I like that you asked if I'd be embarrassed if you made them.

I like that even though this is the first time we meet, I know you're going to be on time.

Today is September 15, 2014

We spent the day together yesterday. We wandered in bookstores, toy stores, a chocolate shop and had a delicious lunch at a pub on the water. It was a perfect day, the weather was glorious, we laughed, we shared a comfortable silence...and there was no spark.

I felt like I was hanging out with a friend and I'm not complaining. I suppose I'm a little disappointed if I'm going to be honest. I was hoping that we would have a romantic moment together but it didn't feel like that at all.  I like that I've made a friend that I know I can tell anything to. I like that we're comfortable with each other from the start. I like that we can be honest and not feel like we have to be anything else.

I like that I gave this a shot.

Today is September 20, 2014

We're still talking. Well texting. The whole no phone conversation thing is still a little weird to me. We had a conversation recently that confirmed that the spark wasn't there. Not because of anything specifically said, but because we literally asked each other if that ineffable feeling that we both hope for was had. And it wasn't and that's ok. I think that if you meet the right person, you'll know.

But then, maybe it's something that needs to grow. Maybe time is needed to learn about if we want more.

I don't know. I don't know shit about dating and men and even if someone is interested or not.


Today is October 2, 2014

We went out again. Dinner and a movie and although we had a nice time...it wasn't quite nice enough. I wanted to like him more and I felt hopeful. I felt so comfortable...and there was something about his eyes on the second date that made me find him more attractive. That might have been the wine.

It didn't matter. There is no spark and he was very clear that there wouldn't be. I cried a little. Not even because it was him, but because so much time was invested. So much hope was put in, so much effort and conversation and... He's just not the right guy. That's ok. But fuck it was disappointing. And the lonlies kicked in and I wondered for a bit what might be wrong with me.

Then I remembered nothing was wrong with me, or with him. We just weren't the right people for each other.

Dating sucks.

Morning

Morning

Watching the sun rise

painting triangles across the building front

The leaves are trying to change

summer is almost over and they're ready

I'm ready 

This time of day you can't tell if it's morning or evening, unless you see the clock

Like I do

It goes by so fast, time

100

I've been sitting here for awhile now, watching tv, surfing sites-trying to figure out what kind of amazing entry I can make for such a milestone.

I got nuthin'.

It's Saturday, which means my Friday and I ended my week after an 11 hour day. My feet ache, between my shoulders it's all pinchy and when I get up too pee, I'm bent in half like Quasimoto until I'm halfway down the hall.

I had to have a 'discussion' with a staff member today. One of those conversations where I say things I didn't even know I knew how to say and when I feel like I really am a leader.

I dealt with an asshat. Looking back on why I dubbed him as such...I can't even remember what he said because, really-shit like that doesn't matter.

I thought earlier I might cry but I got through it.

I remember not too long ago feeling very overwhelmed with, well, everything. I couldn't deal with work, or being without J., or my weight gain. I felt like shit. A lot. I didn't even realize how much until I didn't anymore.

I changed my mind about some things. I made a few lifestyle changes and tried not letting my thoughts consume me. I started feeling good about letting things go. Including J. I feel...liberated.

Fall is going to be here soon. Football seems to have started early this year too. And the hype for pumpkin things seems to be in more places. Have they finally commercialized a part of nature?

I miss the water. I really want to go to the ocean and when I get my car it's one of the first places I'm going to go by myself. I can see myself so clearly sitting in the driver's seat, windows down, music-my whatever I want to listen to music- and at night. I want to drive down empty roads until I meet the coastline and then just sit and listen to the waves. I'll get out and sit in the damp sand until the wind makes my face numb from cold and then I'll get back into my car and come home.

Or maybe I'd stay. Transfer the money I'm supposed to be saving for whatever I might need it for and stay in a tiny little motel on the beach. I'd write bad poetry on motel stationery and watch a Lifetime movie I would never watch at home. Oh and I'd take a bath because I won't have to clean it afterwards. Maybe in the morning I'd get up in time to drink bad motel room coffee on a balcony facing a gray sky and ocean. I'd leave a small tip for the maid because my mom taught me too and then I'd get back in my car and come home.

Freedom is going to taste so delicious. I've always felt pretty independent but this...this is going to be different. I'm going to be able to experience things on my own that I never have before. I'm going to be introduced to the newest chapter of who I'll be and that's gonna be neat.

The 100th blog.  Great place to start.

Because I'm Happy

Sometimes, when life is hard...when it throws something at you that you weren't expecting...it's easy to forget the things to be happy for.  I'm going to challenge myself and name at least 50 things that make me happy.

1. Books. Bookstores. The book section in any store. Libraries...The way they smell, the way they feel in my hands while I hold them gently, the way that they stack haphazardly on my shelf. Just knowing that books exist makes me happy. Little rectangles of brilliance.

2. Coffee and conversation with Dad in the morning. It makes me happy to know that we finally have the relationship my mom always hoped we'd have.

3.  The Golden Girls. According to an internet quiz, I'm a 'Rose'.

4. My best girlfriends. I've known Melissa and Anne for over 20 years. We've been through some ridiculous moments together, sad moments, wonderful scary moments and everything in between. When we're all together, there is always laughter.

5. Being at the ocean. I always seem to feel so...free there. I feel rejuvenated and connected to the world when I'm able to visit the ocean. Almost as though if I had wings, I'd be able to fly.

6. Finding the perfect picture. Taking pictures in the city or in nature-both places can hold wonder. But when I get the shot that makes the thousand before worth it, a sense of satisfaction comes over me

7.  Wind Chimes. The sound of a gentle breeze touching wind chimes brings a sense of peace that is almost indescribable. Even if it's only for a moment, the sound resonates inside, rippling through like a stone cast in water.

8.  The first sip of coffee of the day. It is SO good. Hot and steaming and coffee-y.

9. Smiling dogs

10. Knowing all the words to a song (Or finding out the lyrics to a line you always sang kinda mumbly 'cause you didn't know what it really was)  A new favorite or an oldie but goodie...when I can sing along and feel the lyrics, the song means more and stays with me.

11. Finding something I thought was lost. I went through my storage room the other day and found all of the postcards my grandmother had sent to me before she died. I haven't read them yet but I'm so glad to have them again-I thought they'd been ruined.

12.  Thunderstorms.  Boom! Crash! Crack! Heat lightening storms, torrential rain storms...the electricity in the air is fantastic.

13. Helping someone

14. Campfires

15.  Ice cream

16.  Star Wars puns.

17.  When the water is just right. Swimming, shower, bath, rain....doesn't matter. But when it's just the right temperature? Ahhhhh

18.  Hearing a compliment. I know, duh right? But I like hearing compliments when they're for other people too. It's just nice to hear people being nice to other people.

19.  White Cherry Icees.

20.  New socks.

21.  New Stephen King book. I still have Mr. Mercedes on my coffee table, waiting patiently me for me to crack it's spine

22.  A perfectly ripened avocado

23.  Waiting for the curtain to go up

24.  New school supplies

25.  Flowers. Hydrangeas, foxgloves, lilacs, roses, lily of the valley, dandelions, gladiolas, sunflowers, sweet peas, bluebells, daisies, violets, poppies, wildflowers on the side of the freeway...

26.  Fresh baked bread

27.  A child's laugh

28.  Grocery store cart rides

29,  Kitty face nudges

30.  Watching the sun set, or rise

31.  Clicking with someone new. Doesn't matter if its romantic or friendly-that first spark is neat.

32.  Swinging on the swings. Never too old to lean back and look at the trees a little differently.

33.  The wind catching my hair. Or my skirt. Spring and Summer breezes preferred.

34.  Visiting the elephants

35.  Learning something new

36.  Muppets

37.  Ice cold milk with something sweet

38.  The smell of the beach. Salty and cool and that moment when you first get close enough to smell it

39.  The sound of my dad snoring in front of a football game.

40.  Trees. Great, large green branches reaching to the sky and leafy oaks of red, brown and orange.

41.  Old Bugs Bunny cartoons

42.  Quoting a movie line and having someone yell, "I love that movie!"

43.  Wandering in museums

44. Series finales that end well

45.  Clean sheets on naked skin

46.  Balloons floating through a bright blue sky

47.  Hearing a song my mom used to sing to help me sleep. My favorite is Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell. It's a sad happy, but it still counts.

48.  Chocolate

49.  That moment when you finally let yourself be ok with who you really are

50.  Being me.

Off the Blue Pill

I'm feeling a little sad tonight. I don't want to and it's been a long time since I have but...Yeah. I feel sad. Like I want to cry. But I can't cry. And I want to be held but that I wouldn't let anyone touch me. This is what it's like being a woman on her white row of birth control pills.

The problem with having a blog that you let everyone read is being able to talk about things that some people don't want to know. But I promised myself that when I started writing this blog about a year or so ago now, that I would say whatever I felt when I felt it. And right now, I feel sad.

I feel sad because a friend of mine is very sick. And while she's not my family by blood, she's part of the family in my heart. And her mother and her aunt and her sister and her grandmother and her father and her grandfather and everyone else that she holds dear are feeling the sadness too and that's just so much.

I've been trying to think of happy things to think about. I've started a list. But I'm stuck before I'm halfway there and the list is getting lame.

One of my best friends is helping me tremendously by giving me something to help me get farther in my personal goals. It wasn't expected and it was a beautiful gesture and I am so fucking lucky to have the friends I do.

I feel sad because I went to wash my hands after dinner and for a moment I forgot she was gone. I nearly reached for the phone because sometimes, it still feels like I can call and tell mom about the things going on in my life. But I can't.

A friend of mine told me he thought he'd finally met the perfect girl for him. He told me all about their first date and how excited he was to have the second. He told me they made out to classic rock and how he felt so lucky. I smiled and encouraged him to enjoy every moment he could spend with her-that he deserved the joy he was feeling.

I feel sad because I remember that feeling and it's addicting. Euphoric and magical and terrifically scary. And rare. Some only wonder what that feels like. I'm so fucking lucky to be able to describe it.

The back and forth of being female is such a roller coaster.
Life's little deathtrap carnival ride when all I want is an elephant ear.

I need distraction and Netflix is failing me and the cursor doesn't feel inspirational anymore, it feels mocking. I still want to cry but I also want to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's AND I want to have sex. All at the same time.

I guess that's better than just feeling sad.

Potato Salad

I called Dad the other day to ask him what was in Mom's potato salad. It's sort of the season for potato salad and I've been lucky enough to have a few so far. All were good, but you know how a mom recipe sometimes is the only one that will do.

I couldn't remember anything about it except that it had something crunchy in it and it was good.

So I called Dad to ask.

"Uhhhh...potatoes?"

"Yes, thanks Dad. Got that. And mayo."

"A little mustard..? Hang on, I'll see if I can find the recipe."   I hear rustling on the other end of the phone and imagine him holding mom's old recipe book. The pages were all warped and they made that really great crinkly sound when you turned them. The books smelled like memories. I'd try to identify the stains net to often used recipes. Milk? Butter? Chocolate? Tomato sauce? Possibly all of those things.

"I remember something crunchy. I swear it was radishes."

Pause from Dad. "Radishes? No." His voice says that's just an absurd thought.

"Oh! Pickles? Dill pickles?"

"Of course pickles."  Ridiculous to not include pickles.

We chat a bit more about mom's recipe but decide those ingredients, along with salt and pepper 'to taste' will do it. Then he tells me about a contest he was in.

"It was for the golf course-they were having a banquet or some shit-a contest. Whoever made the best potato salad, the owner would replicate the recipe and put it on the menu. I forgot about it until the last minute and started throwing things together that morning."

I'm smiling on my end of the phone. This is totally how I cook too.

"I used red potatoes-"

"Do people usually use another kind?" I interrupt.

"I don't know. I used what was on the counter."

"Right. Ok, so red potatoes."

"Then I threw in some shrimp, used grey poupon mustard, Best Foods mayo...only the best ingredients. Mine was the first salad finished at the contest but I didn't win. The owner couldn't let me win because to make it on a regular basis would have been too expensive. So, I came in second.  Even though everyone knew mine was the best. She had to rig the contest."

"Sounds good Dad."

He chuckles, "Yeah, well. I can get creative if I want to."

He really has made some interesting concoctions. He not only likes to get creative, he likes to tell me about the process. I think he's hoping to shock me with the ingredients. It works sometimes. Like the morning he told me he had sauerkraut and baked beans for breakfast. Or the time he made scrambled eggs with spaghetti and meat sauce. My mom had books and recipe cards, dad has ingenuity.

And me? I have both.

Up Late

Lying still a soft glow
bathes my skin
Your hands travel over my flesh
drinking me in
Reason fades with quickened breaths
I surrender
I drown
in your caress

The First Time

I wasn't always like this.

I'm wide awake in a nightgown that no one has ever seen. I bought it a few months ago in case I had a one night stand.  First time wearing it tonight and that's because it was the only thing clean.

I wasn't always someone that would contemplate one night stands in lingerie. I wasn't even someone that had sex. Not for a long time.

I was 26 the year I met him and it took a year for me to convince him to take my virginity. He didn't want to, said it would ruin our friendship and of course, that made me want him more. J1 had badly frosted hair that I'd done one night when he begged me to. After I shaved his back and rubbed his feet. I was an idiot.

He was good looking though-at least to me. I thought he was a real catch and he did too. "People tell me I look like Brad Pitt", he told me maybe three hours after I'd met him. We were in Costco and I was looking at the books, the only item in the store I could conceive anyone needing in bulk. He was on the other side of the stacks, randomly picking up books and fanning the pages. I smiled at him, "Oh. Yeah? I can totally can see that."

I couldn't see it.

A few weeks later I used my AAA card to have his dead van towed. I didn't even drive at the time-my parents wanted me to have it in case of emergencies. Evidently making a boy like me was an emergency. We hung out a few more times after that with the couple that introduced us and then it was mostly just me and him. He had his own place but he practically lived with me. Every day he'd drive over or ride his bike if the van was dead again, and we'd hang out watching movies, smoking pot and building sexual tension.

I felt it waaaay before him but that usually happens. I wanted him to kiss me first. We used to play the wrestling-but-is-it-really-wrestling? game. He knew all the places I was the most ticklish and relished in my exaggerated squeals.When he was working, he'd come over after his shift was done, caked in mud from a construction job and plop down on my couch as though he was home. He'd peel off his boots and beg me to rub his feet. And I'd do it. Pre-shower. I would do it for the moment when his head fell back and a groan rumbled up his throat. His eyes would close and a small smile would play across his lips. I would do it for that ache of touching him but never connecting.  Fucking torture.

I was waiting tables in a slice of Hell and making good tips. I was irresponsible and depressed so I bought a lot of shit. I told myself I was doing it because I liked to do nice things for people. It wasn't until nearly 10 years later I realized I bought him things because it was something nice for me. He would say thank you, sometimes hug me and be happy for a moment because of something I'd done. I was desperate for his attention.

I finally got it in the Fall of 2003.

We loaded a bowl and turned on wrestling-a night like any other. I turned to him at the commercial break, passed him the pipe. "How come you've never tried to fuck me?"  I was a little more blunt when I was smoking. He looked at me and choked on the hit he'd just inhaled.

"I don't-um..what?"

"We should totally have sex." I took back the pipe, hit the bowl and then put it on the table. I was ready. I'd been ready for years but something about that day right then, made it the right time. I wanted to have sex with him and I was going to make it happen.

"No. Lindsay, it's not a good idea. I mean, we're friends and I don't want to ruin that...Besides, you're a virgin and I don't know...it's kind of a big-"

I made him be quiet with my mouth. He started kissing me back and when I knew I had him, I stopped.

"It's ok. I promise. This is what I want. I choose you. A lot of women don't get to really choose their first. Do this with me."

And he did. And then all the magical illusions you have before you have sex for the first time are gone and your sitting on your couch in the clothes you had on an hour ago, looking at the guy you just had sex with and wondering when he's going to go home so you can call your friends and freak out.

God it's so awkward, right? And I had built this shit up in my head. I wasn't so naive to think that I it was going to be rose petal bedspreads and fireworks, but as he was leaving he said, "Um. So...thanks for the sex?" Like even he wasn't sure that's what had just happened.

It got better though. He became my teacher and I was his eager student. He  pretty much let me do anything with him and he was sweet enough to say "Are you sure you've never done that before?" once or twice. And then a routine developed and my mom got sick. I fell into the depression more and he decided he didn't know how (didn't want) to handle all of that.

I don't remember the last conversation we had very clearly, but I know I was sobbing. He was my first and those are the hardest to let go of.

Nearly a decade went by before I could hang out with him and be ok with it. We're friends now Occasionally he'll make a comment about how I've got a 'purty mouth' and I'll smile, remembering that first night on the couch. But over the years  he's become one of those people you know will always be in your life because of everything you went through together. A friend.

Still Can't

Frustration. Resignation. Hesitation.
I can't believe letting go of him has been this hard. I'm almost, no I am, mad at myself for not being over him yet. Stupid, I know.
I want to hear his voice, touch his skin, lay next to him, walk with him, laugh with him....I want to be near him. And I try to remember the moments when I don't but they are harder to recall.
He drove me nuts with his need to be so very fucking logical. It was hard to be around him when he was especially introverted. But he was honest with me. Always. And its not always perfect.
Did I give up too soon? Did I run instead of fight? Is there anything I could have done? There's more then just, "he's an asshole", though that would be much easier.
Maybe we didn't understand each other. Maybe we never will. We talked briefly about another chance and my heart swelled with hope and possibility. But I still said no. And now I'm miserable.
I think of him constantly. I'm sure much more than he does of me. I need something to help me not...miss him so. Is it because I'm lonely? Is it because I'm afraid no one will love me again? Is it because I really just can't imagine anyone else? Who says I'm supposed to have someone anyway?
Live for me. Love yourself. I know these things and yet all the little tiny things that made us...us...haunt me. I long for small moments of being with him-anywhere.
What is my real challenge here? Its not fair to still feel this way. Each day goes by and I know his routines and I still want to be a part of them. I want to grow with him.
But is it the right thing to do? Something made me stop before. I have to remember that. Its so easy to ignore when my heart is screaming,"you may not have another chance!"
I want to tell him all these things but that's not fair either. None of this is fair.

Better off

I'm better off without him. I shouldn't miss him so. I look for him everywhere. He wasn't right for me. A million times I know. My heart still pulls for him to hold it.
I wish I could let go of him. Move on to someone else. But he loved me and I know its true. I'll never have the same again. I'm better off without him. I shouldn't miss him so.
He wasn't nice or kind in heart. He didn't understand. He treated me like no one. I begged for him to see. I loved the two of us so strongly but it want quite enough. I didn't know that love could lose.
I wonder where he is these days, I wish to see his face. I wonder if he'd smile at me or look away unfazed. I miss the way he touched me, the way he held me close. But he pushed more than he wanted me. I'm better off without him. I shouldn't miss him so.

So Much

There's so many different thoughts going on inside my head and in my heart and the two keep slamming into each other and I feel sometimes like I might explode. 

I seriously feel a little crazy. 

I woke up from a bad dream this morning. I don't remember everything, except that my dad was in it. He was hiding from me, under a sheet and I went to touch his shoulder because he seemed so terrifyingly still and then he rolled over quickly, threw back the sheet with that crazy laugh he has, scaring me awake. I instantly started crying without really even being conscious enough to know why. And then I went to work. 

Crazy busy and very retail-y today. 

I came home and ate pizza for dinner. Instantly felt guilty about it because I'm fat. It's not my favorite thing to think about but it's hard to ignore the fact that my back is all whacked because of my weight. 

I called my dad today to whine about how not great I feel and he told me to get my driver's license. I know he was trying to help me and I love him for it but he's been telling me to get my license for years. He feels that it's going to be this AMAZING THING that will change my life. I totally agree that it would give me a new freedom and allow me to expand my life adventures and I absolutely want to get my license. But it's not just getting the license. It's taking the lessons, buying a car, buying insurance, getting tabs, buying gas and overall maintenance. In other words, it's not cheap. And it takes time investment. I have no desire to pursue ANYTHING right now. 

I really didn't need to hear the 'you should get your license' chat today. But he didn't know that and he was just trying to help. I know it. Sigh. 

I am very emotional right now. Oh who am I kidding? I'm emotional all the time. 

I keep thinking about my ex boyfriend. I cringe even writing that sentence. I want so desperately to not remember all the wonderful reasons I loved him. It feels like it would be easier if I could only remember why it's over. I logically know that there's no time limit to dealing with loss. In fact, I said that to someone else today but when it comes to me...I just want to let my heart win. 

Did I mention I was fat? So do something about it, right? Yeah, it's just that I don't care. I know it's not a good thing for me to be overweight. I understand the health risks, the fact that even my genes are against me on this and yes, I understand that pizza is not a good thing to have for dinner as often as I do. Does that change the fact that there's a pint of Peanut Butter Pie ice cream sitting next to me? No. Because even though I know it's bad, I don't care that it is. See? Crazy. 

I feel sad too. And exhausted . Because of my job, I have to wear a certain amount of retail face and my god, sometimes it's just so...much. I don't want to go out or talk to people or even function most of the time. But I HAVE to. 

I feel that I'm thisclose to falling into the darkness that I've been teetering on for the last....I don't even know how long I've felt this way. I can't remember when I didn't. 

Somewhere Out There

I make this list every once in awhile.

last year's list



Dear Right Man for Me,

Please don't live with your parents. I didn't use to think this was going to be an issue until I dated a guy that lived in his parent's basement. There were issues.

Also, please don't still live with your ex as 'just friends'. It doesn't matter how many times you tell me there's nothing going on...it's weird.

Can you not have any venereal diseases? That would be great, thanks.

Please don't sleep with someone else when we're together. Just tell me if you don't want me anymore. It will suck, not gonna lie, but I promise-it is SO much better than you lying.

Also, don't be an angerball ok? I like smiling and laughing and stuff and I'd like to be able to do that with you.

Before you decide you want to be a regular part of my life, can you make sure that your feelings match mine? I wouldn't want you to waste our time if you 'weren't quite sure' or worse, still holding feelings for someone else. Be just mine.

It would be great if you weren't married. Being the 'other woman' doesn't do it for me.

Please be kind, sensitive, honest, gentle but strong, fun, smart and open minded. Be able to communicate and compromise.

You should probably like cats.

I have some shit to work out still so I'm not quite ready for you. Don't be too concerned though-we'll meet when it's the right time. I just know it.

Sincerely and lovingly,
Me


This year's list was a lot shorter. These are the lessons I've learned, the lessons I don't need to live again. Every time it's not right, it helps me learn more about what will be.
Just, seriously. God, Universe, Buddha, whatever....I'm done ok? I've learned enough.

Just Now

My heart hurts. I keep getting waves of sad crashing into me and it just doesn't stop. Oh I wish it would.
Fucking Valentines day is coming. I wish I was one of those girls that said, "I don't need anything" and meant it.
I talk about how much I hate the holiday but all I want is for someone to love me enough to want to celebrate it.
Last year I was in a meeting on Valentines day, flirting with a new love though text messages. I remember feeling like I'd never be alone again.
February 3rd. Logically I know its silly to have an "anniversary" but I just...wanted it so badly. I wanted to belong to someone and for them to belong to me. I was so sure.
I don't want to miss him anymore. My heart hurts.

Apology

I still feel guilty about the way things ended.

A text message. Jesus, both of us deserved better.

I guess it was over before then and I told myself that I tried but I could have tried harder.

I called you a couple times. One time you didn't answer, another I could tell you weren't really listening. I thought about writing you a letter but that felt shitty too.

I remember the exact moment I knew it was time.

I had just woken up and I reached for my phone to look for your daily good morning wish. It wasn't there. It hadn't been there in weeks and I hadn't told you I noticed. We'd seen each other, we'd had dinner together, we'd been intimate and still I said nothing about how it felt like you were pulling away.

I knew you were, you knew you were and we broke our promise to each other by not talking about it.

That morning I texted 11 words and hesitated, my finger above the send button. I closed my eyes, still holding the phone and breathed deeply. I took several breaths, tried to listen to my heart and my head at the same time. Everything went back and forth inside and then I heard, clear as day,"It's the right thing to do."

I pushed send.

I have to tell you I can't be with you anymore.

It was early in the morning and I hadn't been able to sleep. I knew you weren't going to get the message until later in the day but I still checked my phone obsessively.  I thought about how you would feel when you read the words-if you would already know. I wondered if you'd be angry or sad or surprised or if you even cared.

I had tried talking to you about my feelings, about where I was and what I needed. You weren't right for me and I'd known it for awhile but I didn't want to. I told you everything I could but I could have tried harder. I told you that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to see you, and that I needed more time to fully explain. To me it seemed so very obvious but it wasn't to you and I couldn't figure out how to tell you. I'm so sorry. I didn't want things to end, I didn't want us to end.

I had to break up with you so that I could be with me. I had to put myself, my feelings, my heart...first. And it was awful and it hurt so much and I know I should have tried to do things better but I didn't and it's over and I haven't talked to you in almost a month. I picked up the phone a million times and I thought about that letter again. I even thought about going to the park by your place and waiting for you to come home, just in case you wanted to talk to me.

But I didn't. I chose me instead. And I cried. And I poured myself into my work. And I rekindled old friendships. And I realized some things about myself. That sucked too at the same time that it didn't. And I cried. I ate bad food. I watched terrible television. I slept a lot. I talked about it. I wrote about it. And I cried.

No doubt these feelings will linger a bit more but perhaps for the first time ever, I recognize that they won't last forever. It's ok to have these feelings.

It was the right thing to do.

Here Comes the Sun

"I found the bracelet that they gave everyone the day we saw the Dali Lama. It made me think of you."

I remember taking the second one and instantly feeling a little wrong about it. I mean, they were free, but it was a big love fest in the arena that day. It felt weird to be a little...greedy?

I wore the first one for a good couple of years. I took it off the day I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. She didn't ask me to but somehow I couldn't justify a braided bracelet with sea foam satin.

It was totally sea foam.

I've been thinking about Buddhism. I very much feel connected to it though I haven't yet sat down and studied it. I know that the message it shares is to see the world with kind eyes and be compassionate to one another. That's definitely something I believe in. I know that Tibetan prayer flags are hung so that the prayers written on them can be carried from the wind into the universe. I know that if you're really quiet with yourself, if you just listen to what your self is telling you-the right choices will be made.

When we got the bracelets, they came with a bead and three strands of yellow, blue and green thread. You were to ask the person next to you to braid it and then tie it on your wrist. It was a sign of friendship with someone you didn't know-or at least that's how I interpreted it. That sunny day I met someone that would end up being very important to me. The second, untied bracelet waited in my pocket.

There are a ton of little places in my apartment that I just...put things. If it's a coffee cup that I think is too pretty to drink out of it become a pen holder. I have cat dishes with random little bits of things you might need in them because they were too 'cute' for cat food. Candle holders with minuscule bits of wax become a place that pony tail holders live.  I don't know why and it doesn't really matter. But tonight I happened to look up at the shelf on my desk. I  had just filled my water bottle and was about to settle into an evening of some serious Pinteresting when I saw the loose threads of the second bracelet hanging from a cup/now pen holder. I smiled.

As soon as I started braiding, I knew it was time for me to wear it again. This time, I'd be braiding the threads myself, because...I'm going to be a friend to me now. As I entwined the colors together, my thoughts went to the last few weeks and I noticed the braid went a little crooked. Before, when I'd been quiet with myself, it had been perfectly straight. I stopped for a moment and swallowed, closed my eyes. I gave myself permission to feel sad about things. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, started braiding again, finished it. Tying it on my own wrist was a little tricky and I might have to have a friend tighten it up, but it's there, reminding me of kindness and compassion and hope and love and warmth. It's there to remind me to give those things to myself.

That's definitely something I believe in.


I don't think it was greedy to take the second one anymore. I think I was supposed to have it for right now. Finding the bracelet was such a perfectly timed reminder in a world that is desperately imperfect. It came when I needed to remember that kindness and compassion and hope and love and warmth are the things that I love about this life. Why would I spend my time feeling anything else?

I'm not unrealistic of course. I know I'm gonna get pissed sometimes. I'm going to cry and rant about bullshit. I'm going to have moments. But I can try and focus on letting them be only that-moments. I'll breathe or cry or scream through them and come out the other side of it.

Today I feel like I'm going to be ok.