A Little Angsty

I'm wearing the nightgown you used to like. The thin white one with the blue flowers and the strings at the top. The strings you used to slowly pull, your eyes swimming in mine.

I'm listening to that song that reminds me of you. The one with the line in it that makes my heart hurt and smile at the same time. The hurt that is both familiar and a stranger.

I can smell the faintest whiff of your laundry soap still in the shirt I kept. The one I asked you to let me wear so that I could breathe you into my dreams.

I can feel your lips against my neck, whispering promises you won't keep.

I'm trying to understand the rejection and the hurt and the never feeling like I was enough. The feeling of unwanted. The feeling that eventually I gave in to, said goodbye to.

I'm rebuilding the confidence you destroyed in me. The confidence you killed with consistent avoidance.  The bit of me you slowly pulled away, your eyes never leaving mine.


I didn't particularly want to think of my ex-boyfriend tonight but there he is-dancing the polka around in my brain. I don't know why he'd be dancing the polka, but it just fits somehow. 

I miss him. I miss the companionship we had. I miss him being home when I got there after a long day at work. I miss seeing his face in the morning after he just woke up. I miss listening to him brush his teeth at the end of the night-always the same. I miss cooking dinner together and sharing laughter and knowing that I had someone that loved me. 

But sometimes love isn't enough. I didn't know that until I met him. I tried to let it be enough...I wanted it to be. But sometimes...


love isn't enough. 


Broken
Bruised
Beaten
Used
Inside 

Stronger
Learned
Lessons
Burned
Inside




 

Long Day Again

Some of the things I did today...

-Had a conversation with a coworker that included a detailed explanation as to why my boobs hurt and just what exactly PMS was.

-Helped a woman learn how to brush her dog's teeth.

-Offered to be a surrogate for one of my best friends-if it comes to that.

-Heard from Dad and felt relief flood through me when he told me he got some of his financial worries settled.

-Worked 12, no 14 and a half hours today.

-Brushed a 7 month old Newfoundland puppy that is bigger than most full grown Golden Retrievers

-Successfully dodged not 1, but 3 panhandlers

-Rode the exercise bike: My ass now  hurts as well as my boobs

It was a long one and I'm in desperate need of something chocolate.
Off I go...

Missing

I miss Mom today. I do everyday but today while I was out for a walk I took my phone out to call her before I remembered I couldn't.

I hate that feeling. It's a tough one. Mom had been sick for so long but I still never thought she'd die.

I wanted to call her today and tell her that I'm doing pretty good right now. I wanted to tell her that I feel ok with work-confident again-and that I went to see Harry Potter this afternoon. I wanted to tell her that I finally feel at peace-at least a little-with being single again. And that a little was better than not at all. I wanted to tell her that I was planning on getting a haircut tomorrow and that her little sister finally joined Facebook. I wanted to tell her about the song I'm currently in love with and why it affected me so much. I wanted to tell her so many things....

I wanted to talk to her about how I still didn't understand men but that I was ok with that. At least for today and I wanted to hear her laugh.

Instead I have to try to remember. I have to remember her soft face and gentle blue eyes that always saw right through me. I have to remember how she used to sing while she washed the dishes or to get me to sleep. I have to remember how she smelled-her hair...long and thin but so soft. Hair she used to put across her top lip to kiss me goodnight so I would get a 'kiss from Dad' when he was away fishing. I have to remember trips to the library and stacks of books next to us on the couch, my little body curled up next to her while she read the stories.

I miss her so much. I wish all the time that I could see her just one more time.

I have friends that have had a loss like mine and when it's really bad, I'll sometimes reach out to them. Today I needed to. The response back to me was perfect.

"Your mom isn't here in person but she is in you a bunch!"

I think so too.

Soooo tired

Jesus my eyes hurt. They feel like they've been open for 3 days and someone has just poured sand in them. I'm working the early shift for awhile and needless to say, it's not my favorite thing to do.

Don't get me wrong, being off at 3 in the afternoon has the taste of awesome, but why I have this shift kinda sucks. I had to fire someone last week.

Anyone that has ever had to do that knows how much it sucks. It's like breaking up with someone. There's a grieving process and everything.

Today was good though. I worked my ass off and answered questions like, "Why is it a good idea to have a harness instead of a collar for a chihuahua?" or "What can I give my cat so it isn't so fat?"

I played with an adorable Boston terrier puppy named O.G. (As in 'oh gee!') I comforted a woman that had recently lost her pet. I told someone how to spell chihuahua and where to get a pitbull neutered. These are not everyone's normal conversations in a day and I'm kind of glad actually. It makes me feel like I know a little more about something someone else might not and who doesn't like to feel smart? :)

There are the moments where just the little things can make you giggle too. Like when my coworker said she was 'going out the door' and I thought she called me a whore. Or when the phone rings and instead of answering with my store's name, I just say 'hello'. Days like this usually end with me trying to open my apartment with my store keys.

Not today though-just the sweet call of my couch and a little RuPaul reality tv. I love me some drag queens.

And...We're Back

I am here, I will roar at some point but not today.

Soon you will see blogs of angst, strongly opinionated blogs about Oprah and other television freaks, and blogs laced with memory or fantasy.

I'll probably swear a little too.

Stay tuned.