Weirdo

The tv was on for noise and one of those eharmony commercials came on. I wasn't really paying attention but the music caught my ear. The voiceover says jovially, "Isn't it time you started looking for your perfect person?"

And without even thinking about it, I responded, "Already did."

Ok, I know it sounds cheesy. And maybe a little weird. I was talking to a tv commercial after all. But the reaction washed over me like a splash of sunlight. I just know.

I've said that many times over the years and each time I thought I was sure. In the past,  as I told myself everything was fine, or that 'he' was the one...even as I smiled and swooned with friends...I was always a little doubtful.

That's what is so completely amazing about now. I have never had even one second of doubt or wonder. I know with every inch of my heart that I am exactly where I should be.

I feel... full. Happy and content. I know I'm loved. And appreciated. And respected. And all the things I've always deserved and only pretended I had before.

The lies we tell ourselves are the most cruel. The truth always comes and when it does it's cold and hard. It slices in and rips out the heart that had dare love again. It brings pain that lingers for what seems like always. It makes you wish you'd just kept believing the lies.

But you start to heal. It takes longer for some and it's always different. But you heal. And you start to believe again. Every time, a little stronger and wiser.  The heart that had been so wounded becomes proud of its scars. A survivor.

Ready to live.

It wasn't until my heart had survived that I  finally began to be ok with who I am. So many people had advised me this is how it would happen but I wasn't ready to hear them. I already thought I was ok.

I've changed. Something inside clicked and it felt like I was finally able to breathe. I felt the confidence others had assured me was there. I knew I could be myself. My muppet loving, Star Wars obsessed, book sniffing, singing to the cats crazy person that I am. I knew someone would be mine and appreciate all that weirdness and even if they never did...I would. I would love me.

And I do.
And it's because I do...that I can love him.