I Am Loved

When I was 25 or so, I wasn't happy. I was miserable actually. I ate poorly and lived on my couch watching movies, loathing myself. I cried a lot and had moments where I didn't know who I was. I didn't care.

But I had friends that cared about me and they tried to help. They got me out of the house. It didn't feel like they were helping me at the time. Being around other people and dealing with...well, life, was a sort of sick torture. I wasn't going through a phase-I was incredibly depressed and eventually...suicidal. 

I remember being in the car with some friends. We were out on a drive, smoking pot and listening to music. I had rolled the window down and laid my head on the door. I blinked into the cold air and stayed that way until my face grew numb. My friend driving turned to me, "You ok?"

I didn't answer until he asked me again. I finally responded, "Do you ever just not care if you live or die?"

At that moment, I really wanted to know. If he had that thought go through him too, maybe I wasn't crazy. Maybe I'd be ok. 

He just kind of looked at me and then returned his focus to the road. I remember hoping we'd crash. 

Another day, when I was feeling a little better, I was at the mall. I walked by a store that had a bowl full of buttons on display. Bright red buttons with white letters telling me "I Am Loved".  I took one and attached it to my purse. 

It stayed there a long time. When I was visiting my therapist, I could see it on the strap, reminding me, I Am Loved. When I'd call and talk to my parents, it was there. If I was working and I needed it, I could just glance at my purse under the counter and know...I Am Loved. 

I got better. 

Recently, while I was packing, I came across the button. It was in a bag with other memories, a bit rusted around the pin but still bright red with white letters. I Am Loved. 

I held it in my hand and let myself remember who I'd been 15 years ago. That button had helped me mend. Every time I saw it, I read those three words and over time, I began to believe it. And trust it. And eventually...accept it. 

After a moment, I put the button back in the bag. 

I didn't need it anymore.