I haven't written in awhile. I've had lots of things on my mind but the words needed to stay inside. This morning I realized that not only did I have a lot of words tumbling around in my mind, aching to finally be let out, but my emotions were also longing to burst forth.
I'm mad. I'm mad at politics and racism and close minded people. I'm mad at people that don't signal when changing lanes, people that are rude to customer service workers and people that don't return the shopping cart. I'm mad at people that say one thing but do another and people nice to your face but not your back and people that are mean simply because they want to be. I'm mad at my sock for sliding in my shoe and my hair for being poofy and for cat litter for being a substance that knows no home. I'm mad at neighbors that play their music loud and neighbors that let their dogs roam and neighbors that leer when you walk passed. I'm mad.
I'm sad. I'm sad because of politics and racism and close minded people. I'm sad because I've known people that have died in car accidents because of someone else's carelessness. I'm sad for the customer service folks that are just trying to live and are treated unkindly and blamed for things completely out of their control. I'm sad that people don't understand how much it hurts to be talked about and I'm sad that some people just don't care. I'm sad that dogs are roaming around, unleashed and in danger of cars, animals and people that don't like dogs. I'm sad that neighborhood watch means something different than it's meant to. I'm sad because this time of year reminds me of death. From the leaves dying and falling to the ground to the painful reminder that my mom is gone. I'm sad.
I'm anxious. I'm anxious because of politics and racism and close minded people. I'm anxious because not everyone treats driving as a privilege but instead as their own personal video game. I'm anxious because confrontation makes me uncomfortable and people are angry, unable to hold it back and willing to take it out on innocents. I'm anxious because being around insincere people makes me feel insecure and vulnerable and paranoid and full of self doubt. I'm anxious because the fear of the unknown is always looming and I can only learn to accept, adapt and move forward instead of avoid, dwell and ignore it. I'm anxious because dogs can get hit by cars, neighbors can be violent or death can come at any time. I'm anxious because these thoughts are not everyday thoughts, but they are present enough. I'm anxious.
I'm happy. I'm happy because I have faith that politics can change, racism can be lessened, maybe even eliminated in time, and that there are close minded people that can change their views with communication and patience. I'm happy because I'm driving, exploring the world one mile at a time. I'm happy because I have worked customer service for most of my life and I know how to treat others because of it. I'm happy because I love dogs and especially meeting new ones as they walk through the neighborhood. I'm happy because I know a lot of people that care and have kind hearts. I'm happy because I can wear different socks and have my hair trimmed if I want to and that I occasionally get a smile from a grocery store clerk that appreciates I've returned the cart. I'm happy because my fella proposed and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone that I know is exactly right for me. I'm happy because I'm writing again but differently. I'm happy because I am learning to be. I'm happy.
All of these emotions at once can be overwhelming, but I'm beginning to recognize them for what they are, accept them for what they are. I am learning to identify triggers that can send me into an anxious spiral or depressive state and I'm not ignoring them. I'm learning how to manage them. I'm learning to forgive myself for being mad, sad, or anxious and allowing myself to embrace happiness without feeling guilt. I'm allowing myself to accept compliments, well wishes and love. I can't do it all at once, I can't expect it to always feel progressive and I can't imagine it any other way. I see moments of improvement in myself and desperately try to remember them when the other side looms. It doesn't always work, but I try. I try.