Anxious

So much anxiety. I can't focus on anything. I'm completely distracted and I have trouble reconnecting myself to anything that doesn't involve leading a team.

My manager role was incredibly self defining. I know I'm more than that of course but I'm not sure how to use those parts.

I'm loving the life I'm in now. I truly enjoy getting up and watering the plants, tidying up the kitchen and leisurely enjoying my coffee. I'm trying to write more but sometimes inspiration is quiet.

I'm literally forcing myself to write this today because maybe if I feel like I've really accomplished something I won't feel so anxious.

Writing that, it sounds like I just need to go back to work. But the thought of doing that right now kind of makes the anxiety worse. I know I could have a few options if I was ready for them but I feel so mixed up right now. I know I wouldn't be helpful.

I am most worried about money. God how I hate money. I hate that I need it to enjoy a lot of the things that I like to do. Even just wandering around a new city costs money.

I'm worried that despite his gentle assurances that it won't, resentment will build within my fella and our relationship will suffer. I want so much to feel confident is his understanding and the fact that I struggle with it bothers me. It's all inside my head and I don't know how to let it go.

Except through writing. So I'm here. Forcing the words out.

I worry about driving too and how I'm not doing it. I need to learn how but first I need to visit the DMV and that in itself is a bit of a chore because I don't have the money to update my ID/permit. Again. MONEY. I joke about selling my ovaries but seriously...I have just gone from working more than full time to not working at all.

I am working hard to adjust from complete independence to total dependence. I am trying but today...fuck I feel anxious.

I have a coffee date with an old coworker. Maybe that's part of it. I know the conversation will inevitably come around to whether or not I'll return and I'm just not ready. But how do I say that without seeming ungrateful for the offer?

I know I have to do what's best for me but I'm not sure what that is right now.

I just want peace.