Everyone around me seems so calm. They talk about how I'll have a garden and be able to relax and how nice it will be to be out of where I am.
And all I think about is what am I going to do for money? How will I contribute to the home when I won't have income right away? How will I learn to be ok with letting my boyfriend take care of me?Even if it is only temporary? What am I going to do if I can't find anything? What if resentment builds and our relationship suffers? What if the fucking cat pees on something he loves? What if the store suffers because I'm gone? Why do I even care?
I want to distance myself and I'm struggling to do so. I'm clinging to what's comfortable, despite how wonderful I know change can be. Fear.
Literally two days ago I couldn't be more happy with how things were going. Today, in about 30 minutes-everything changed. The dip in the roller coaster was fast and unexpected. I should have known.
Always fighting the ride.
I found some dark poetry in an old journal while I was packing. I feel a little sad today but I'm never going to be the girl that wrote those pages again. I think I thought the poem was good because it rhymed. It wasn't.
I know logically that yes, everything will be fine. I even know that if it doesn't go fine, it will still be ok. But not right now. I'm working on it though.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
H.
You could tell she wasn't the kind of person that showed her feelings.
I knew she knew it wouldn't be long. I saw tears building in her eyes as she told me her story. I asked her if she wanted a hug and for a split second she hesitated before letting me hold her. She sobbed against my shoulder and then quickly gathered herself.
"I'm sorry, " she whispered, hurriedly wiping away her feelings.
I put my hand on her arm, "Please don't be. It's fine. Really."
She sniffled a little and then we talked about something else until she left.
She came back today. He's gone now and as she shared with me pictures and stories, her eyes filled once more.
I could tell she wasn't the kind of person that shared her feelings much. Yet here she was, clearly grieving. I hugged her again and this time she let me.
She told me she would miss me and wished me well before leaving.
I took a few moments alone.
I knew she knew it wouldn't be long. I saw tears building in her eyes as she told me her story. I asked her if she wanted a hug and for a split second she hesitated before letting me hold her. She sobbed against my shoulder and then quickly gathered herself.
"I'm sorry, " she whispered, hurriedly wiping away her feelings.
I put my hand on her arm, "Please don't be. It's fine. Really."
She sniffled a little and then we talked about something else until she left.
She came back today. He's gone now and as she shared with me pictures and stories, her eyes filled once more.
I could tell she wasn't the kind of person that shared her feelings much. Yet here she was, clearly grieving. I hugged her again and this time she let me.
She told me she would miss me and wished me well before leaving.
I took a few moments alone.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
The Worry
"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."
I wish it was as easy as just believing that. I've been worried about just about everything for as long as I can remember. Over the years I've learned to trust certain people and situations more but occasionally The Worry pops up and screams at me about every tiny thing imaginable.
"Don't stress out so much."
Yes alright. If only I could. It's not easy for me to control. The Worry is invasive and creeps in like ivy. Unnoticeable at first and then suddenly it's everywhere and you're scrambling for a hedge trimmer before it takes over. Sometimes it feels easier just to let it grow.
I have some pretty big life changes happening. I'm leaving the city I grew up in, my job, my friends, my home...I'm moving in with someone that I absolutely trust and love and am excited to move in with but it won't be just me and the cats anymore.
I have made half a dozen lists of things I need to do. I've told so many people I can't remember who knows and who doesn't. I've tried counting down the days and not counting down. I've tried meditating too, just to give my mind some peace.
I've gotten a cold, I don't sleep very well and I'm justifying cheesy poofs and m&ms for dinner way too easily. I can tell The Worry is winning right now and it pisses me off because I just don't know how to fight it anymore.
I try looking ahead-at the day when all my books are unpacked and the house smells like us and I'm drinking my morning coffee on my back porch because holy shit I'll have a back porch, and that helps a little. But as soon as I let myself enjoy that moment, The Worry pops up with reminders of unemployment and lack of a car and no friends nearby to share that moment with.
"Everything will be fine. You deserve this!"
Why? I mean, thank you...but why? I'm no better than anyone else. Having a home? Isn't this is the way a lot of people just... live?
I have had amazing support throughout this and I've truly been overwhelmed sometimes. It's a great and exciting thing and the kindness I've received is beautiful and so appreciated but sometimes The Worry fucks with that too and makes me wonder why it's happening. How did this happen? Is it going to fall apart? What will I do if it does?
"Trust me."
The Worry likes to invite What If to the mind fuck sometimes and when the two of them get together it's a storm inside my head. I lay awake and stare at my phone or the ceiling, reeling with all the things to do I should have already done. The doubt and anxiety tumble into one another, crashing like waves and I feel like I'm drowning. I struggle to breathe...in through my nose, out through my mouth. I place my hand on my stomach, focus on the light weight of it as my chest rises and falls. I begin to see the surface and remember...
"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."
I wish it was as easy as just believing that. I've been worried about just about everything for as long as I can remember. Over the years I've learned to trust certain people and situations more but occasionally The Worry pops up and screams at me about every tiny thing imaginable.
"Don't stress out so much."
Yes alright. If only I could. It's not easy for me to control. The Worry is invasive and creeps in like ivy. Unnoticeable at first and then suddenly it's everywhere and you're scrambling for a hedge trimmer before it takes over. Sometimes it feels easier just to let it grow.
I have some pretty big life changes happening. I'm leaving the city I grew up in, my job, my friends, my home...I'm moving in with someone that I absolutely trust and love and am excited to move in with but it won't be just me and the cats anymore.
I have made half a dozen lists of things I need to do. I've told so many people I can't remember who knows and who doesn't. I've tried counting down the days and not counting down. I've tried meditating too, just to give my mind some peace.
I've gotten a cold, I don't sleep very well and I'm justifying cheesy poofs and m&ms for dinner way too easily. I can tell The Worry is winning right now and it pisses me off because I just don't know how to fight it anymore.
I try looking ahead-at the day when all my books are unpacked and the house smells like us and I'm drinking my morning coffee on my back porch because holy shit I'll have a back porch, and that helps a little. But as soon as I let myself enjoy that moment, The Worry pops up with reminders of unemployment and lack of a car and no friends nearby to share that moment with.
"Everything will be fine. You deserve this!"
Why? I mean, thank you...but why? I'm no better than anyone else. Having a home? Isn't this is the way a lot of people just... live?
I have had amazing support throughout this and I've truly been overwhelmed sometimes. It's a great and exciting thing and the kindness I've received is beautiful and so appreciated but sometimes The Worry fucks with that too and makes me wonder why it's happening. How did this happen? Is it going to fall apart? What will I do if it does?
"Trust me."
The Worry likes to invite What If to the mind fuck sometimes and when the two of them get together it's a storm inside my head. I lay awake and stare at my phone or the ceiling, reeling with all the things to do I should have already done. The doubt and anxiety tumble into one another, crashing like waves and I feel like I'm drowning. I struggle to breathe...in through my nose, out through my mouth. I place my hand on my stomach, focus on the light weight of it as my chest rises and falls. I begin to see the surface and remember...
"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)