So Much

There's so many different thoughts going on inside my head and in my heart and the two keep slamming into each other and I feel sometimes like I might explode. 

I seriously feel a little crazy. 

I woke up from a bad dream this morning. I don't remember everything, except that my dad was in it. He was hiding from me, under a sheet and I went to touch his shoulder because he seemed so terrifyingly still and then he rolled over quickly, threw back the sheet with that crazy laugh he has, scaring me awake. I instantly started crying without really even being conscious enough to know why. And then I went to work. 

Crazy busy and very retail-y today. 

I came home and ate pizza for dinner. Instantly felt guilty about it because I'm fat. It's not my favorite thing to think about but it's hard to ignore the fact that my back is all whacked because of my weight. 

I called my dad today to whine about how not great I feel and he told me to get my driver's license. I know he was trying to help me and I love him for it but he's been telling me to get my license for years. He feels that it's going to be this AMAZING THING that will change my life. I totally agree that it would give me a new freedom and allow me to expand my life adventures and I absolutely want to get my license. But it's not just getting the license. It's taking the lessons, buying a car, buying insurance, getting tabs, buying gas and overall maintenance. In other words, it's not cheap. And it takes time investment. I have no desire to pursue ANYTHING right now. 

I really didn't need to hear the 'you should get your license' chat today. But he didn't know that and he was just trying to help. I know it. Sigh. 

I am very emotional right now. Oh who am I kidding? I'm emotional all the time. 

I keep thinking about my ex boyfriend. I cringe even writing that sentence. I want so desperately to not remember all the wonderful reasons I loved him. It feels like it would be easier if I could only remember why it's over. I logically know that there's no time limit to dealing with loss. In fact, I said that to someone else today but when it comes to me...I just want to let my heart win. 

Did I mention I was fat? So do something about it, right? Yeah, it's just that I don't care. I know it's not a good thing for me to be overweight. I understand the health risks, the fact that even my genes are against me on this and yes, I understand that pizza is not a good thing to have for dinner as often as I do. Does that change the fact that there's a pint of Peanut Butter Pie ice cream sitting next to me? No. Because even though I know it's bad, I don't care that it is. See? Crazy. 

I feel sad too. And exhausted . Because of my job, I have to wear a certain amount of retail face and my god, sometimes it's just so...much. I don't want to go out or talk to people or even function most of the time. But I HAVE to. 

I feel that I'm thisclose to falling into the darkness that I've been teetering on for the last....I don't even know how long I've felt this way. I can't remember when I didn't. 

Somewhere Out There

I make this list every once in awhile.

last year's list



Dear Right Man for Me,

Please don't live with your parents. I didn't use to think this was going to be an issue until I dated a guy that lived in his parent's basement. There were issues.

Also, please don't still live with your ex as 'just friends'. It doesn't matter how many times you tell me there's nothing going on...it's weird.

Can you not have any venereal diseases? That would be great, thanks.

Please don't sleep with someone else when we're together. Just tell me if you don't want me anymore. It will suck, not gonna lie, but I promise-it is SO much better than you lying.

Also, don't be an angerball ok? I like smiling and laughing and stuff and I'd like to be able to do that with you.

Before you decide you want to be a regular part of my life, can you make sure that your feelings match mine? I wouldn't want you to waste our time if you 'weren't quite sure' or worse, still holding feelings for someone else. Be just mine.

It would be great if you weren't married. Being the 'other woman' doesn't do it for me.

Please be kind, sensitive, honest, gentle but strong, fun, smart and open minded. Be able to communicate and compromise.

You should probably like cats.

I have some shit to work out still so I'm not quite ready for you. Don't be too concerned though-we'll meet when it's the right time. I just know it.

Sincerely and lovingly,
Me


This year's list was a lot shorter. These are the lessons I've learned, the lessons I don't need to live again. Every time it's not right, it helps me learn more about what will be.
Just, seriously. God, Universe, Buddha, whatever....I'm done ok? I've learned enough.