Sigh.
I feel all weepy and shit. It's ridiculous. I started out today in a fantastic mood. I got to brew myself some coffee, read a little of my book, I slept in and woke up before the alarm-always a good thing. I went to work and things were running smoothly, the customers were great-even got to hold a puppy today-always a good thing. But then I lost it a little bit.
I felt this ball of frustration start to build and I mentally squashed it down. I thought of all the good things that were happening right now and eventually was calm. I put on my manager hat and laid down a little law-constructively-always a good thing. But then I got home and I called a friend that needed someone to listen and as I did, I admit my mind wandered a bit. It didn't go very far. It always goes to the same places anyway. But it made me feel a little sad.
When I can't figure out why I'm sad, or moody, or why ice cream seems like a good idea for dinner, I automatically go to the calender to see what time of the month it is. Today was no exception and instead of finding relief from my self induced emotional ride, I just hopped on another one. Anger. Fuck you menstrual cycle. I mean seriously, what the fuck? I'm not even USING you right now, so can you leave my mental state alone?
It's so frustrating to feel this way. It's difficult sometimes to have emotions that just don't make sense and that you don't have any control over. It's harder still to try and explain to someone that they aren't really an asshole, it's just that everyone is right now.
Sigh.
.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Fantastic Voyage
One of my favorite questions to ask people when I'm getting to know them is, "If you could go anywhere, where would you go?"
If I'm asking a guy, I admit I sometimes do it to see if he'll say, "Anywhere you are." Can't help it. What girl wouldn't want to hear that?
When I let my mind roam, this is what I think about. The places I want to go but for some reason haven't.
The Stanley Hotel where Stephen King stayed and was inspired to write one of my favorite books, The Shining. I've gotta see if that hideous carpet is there at the very least.
The ocean. I recently got to have a day trip and it was glorious as it always is. I love the wind, the way you feel cool and hot at the same time, the kites, the sand on bare feet, the waves licking toes, words carved into the sand that mean something to someone already gone...There's something about the ocean that makes me feel like my reset button has been pushed. I feel whole and calm and...small when I go to the ocean. I don't go nearly enough.
In your arms. I don't know who you are yet but I know that when you hold me it will feel perfect. My head will fit right under your chin and your arms will hold me close like a love song.
The Las Vegas strip. This would of course be paired with an extraordinarily large amount of money. Enough so that I could see all the things I wanted to. I want to see Cirque du Something in Vegas with a neon colored drink in my hand. Umbrella optional. I want to see the lights at night and feel the heat of the day. I want to see so many Elvises (Elvi?) that I can't count them all. I even want to contemplate marriage just because I can do it through a drive-thru. I want to put entirely too much money into slot machines and wake up somewhere I didn't intend to but am ok with.
Venice, Italy. I just so badly want to ride in one of those gondola things with a striped shirt oarsman. I want to drink in the richness of the country, the buildings, the culture and the coffee. I want to drink a little espresso on a wrought iron table with a white tablecloth and watch someone (preferably a male Italian, clothing optional with wavy dark hair and eyes that smolder) walk through a group of pigeons.
Oz. Or Wonderland. No reason really except that wouldn't it be fantastic?
If I could go anywhere, where would I go? So many places....
If I'm asking a guy, I admit I sometimes do it to see if he'll say, "Anywhere you are." Can't help it. What girl wouldn't want to hear that?
When I let my mind roam, this is what I think about. The places I want to go but for some reason haven't.
The Stanley Hotel where Stephen King stayed and was inspired to write one of my favorite books, The Shining. I've gotta see if that hideous carpet is there at the very least.
The ocean. I recently got to have a day trip and it was glorious as it always is. I love the wind, the way you feel cool and hot at the same time, the kites, the sand on bare feet, the waves licking toes, words carved into the sand that mean something to someone already gone...There's something about the ocean that makes me feel like my reset button has been pushed. I feel whole and calm and...small when I go to the ocean. I don't go nearly enough.
In your arms. I don't know who you are yet but I know that when you hold me it will feel perfect. My head will fit right under your chin and your arms will hold me close like a love song.
The Las Vegas strip. This would of course be paired with an extraordinarily large amount of money. Enough so that I could see all the things I wanted to. I want to see Cirque du Something in Vegas with a neon colored drink in my hand. Umbrella optional. I want to see the lights at night and feel the heat of the day. I want to see so many Elvises (Elvi?) that I can't count them all. I even want to contemplate marriage just because I can do it through a drive-thru. I want to put entirely too much money into slot machines and wake up somewhere I didn't intend to but am ok with.
Venice, Italy. I just so badly want to ride in one of those gondola things with a striped shirt oarsman. I want to drink in the richness of the country, the buildings, the culture and the coffee. I want to drink a little espresso on a wrought iron table with a white tablecloth and watch someone (preferably a male Italian, clothing optional with wavy dark hair and eyes that smolder) walk through a group of pigeons.
Oz. Or Wonderland. No reason really except that wouldn't it be fantastic?
If I could go anywhere, where would I go? So many places....
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Amtrak
She loved going to San Francisco. She loved going to spend time with her family and there was just something about the city that put her mind at peace. Usually she flew, but this time she decided on other means of travel.
A train. She'd never ridden a train before, except for the one in the airport and that didn't really count. A friend told her of her own experience on the train and the description was a tale of beautiful sites and comfort. She fell in love with the idea. She would go to San Francisco by train and have a little adventure.
The adventure began at King Street Station with a late departure. The depot resembled an airport but only because it too had lines and irritated passengers waiting. A lot of headphone wearers, book readers, and nappers littered the station. She shrugged, not entirely impressed so far with her adventure and reached into her backpack for her own novel and headphones.
When they called for her departure, it wasn't a loud and jovial 'All aboard!' like she'd seen in her favorite movies, it was just a voice over an intercom. She frowned a little, disappointed.
Her feelings changed slightly as she climbed aboard the train and found her seat. Her seat was next to a window and she smiled the way you do when something pleasant unexpectedly happens. She sat down and made herself comfortable. She was in for a long ride. She held her ticket in her hand and reread the information. 22 hours from Seattle to San Francisco. Was she crazy?
Whatever, it was 22 hours. She'd be tired when she got there but she would have had an adventure!
Her seat mate was a small older woman, a veteran in train riding. The older woman told her she'd traveled for years, just back and forth across the country on trains. She found the older woman fascinating and took her offered butterscotch candy with a smile.
Her camera beside her, a notebook in her lap and her eyes gazing out the window, she was on her way.
Going out of the city she saw some of the grit everyone pretends isn't there. She could see homeless cities under bridges and overpasses, on the sides of tracks. She saw torn blankets as tents and broken playground equipment abandoned next to piles of tires. It wasn't exactly what she'd hoped to see on her travels.
Shortly after she left the city, the train slowed to a stop. The older woman next to her sighed knowingly.
"This track is shared with B&O Railroad. If they need to come this way, we have to let them pass."
Obviously this would take some time but she didn't mind. She picked up her book and started reading.
Hours passed. She finished her book and started a new one and still they had not moved. Her seat mate had long ago left for the Dining Car and her absence made her a little lonely. She stretched and caught the small child in front of her staring between the seats. She smiled and the child grinned back, showing a perfectly toothless gap where her two front teeth would be. The child came around and plopped down next to her. "Hi. I'm Allison. What's your name? Where are you going? Have you ever been on a train before? We're going to Alameda cause my grandpa died and his funeral is this weekend. I have a brother, do you have a brother?"
The child was a breath of fresh air and she enjoyed the banter. She was on her way to visit her little cousins and this child reminded her a bit of them. They all shared a love of peppermint gum and Star Wars action figures and talking to the child passed the time.
The child's mother bummed her a cigarette at a brief stop in Eugene, Oregon. She had called someone she knew that lived there, had hoped for a spontaneous reunion but he never showed. The cigarette from a stranger is different from one of your own.
Dinner on the train came from a tired woman selling chips and sandwiches. Alone with her notebook and the passing scenery, she sat in the Snack Car. She was writing bad poetry when she saw him walk in.
He wasn't normally a guy she would have been attracted to. He had red hair, kind of long and a beard with beads in it like a pirate. She took in his Birkenstocks and flannel, casual stroll, and kind eyes and thought, "I want to talk to him."
She didn't have to wait long. He asked if he could join her table and she secretly loved how movie-ish the line was. He was from nowhere.
The scenery outside became dark as they talked over coffee. He'd ridden a train before, he'd run away before, he was running now. He was everything she had wanted in a train ride and she didn't even know what his name was. It didn't matter.
They went to the Observation Car to share moments of quiet as the night raced by. She had just closed her eyes when he gently touched her shoulder. "Look. The sun's coming up."
She sat up slowly, stretching in the small plastic seat. Before her were windows showing her the side of morning when the sun isn't quite there yet. It was breathtaking. No broken down buildings here, just green woods and hidden waterfalls in the rocks. They sat together in silence, watching the sun kiss the world awake.
"Where are we?"
"Does it matter?"
She lost herself a little on the train. There were no clocks, no signs on the side of the road to catch glimpses of. It really didn't matter where she was or what time it was.
Until it was time to leave.
He left first, somewhere in Northern California that he'd heard about and never been. He waved at her from the platform and she kept him in sight until she couldn't anymore. The child in front of her left soon after, her mother gave her one more smoke for the next stop. The old woman had left some time in the night, a small note left. "Enjoy your trip!" and a butterscotch candy.
Her phone had long been abandoned in her bag but now she dug it out and saw she had messages. The time told her that her 22 hour trip had turned into 32 and her aunt had called. Returning the call she was finally able to say where she was and her aunt surprised her with a promise to be at the next town. She'd been driving from San Francisco to meet her.
Pulling into the station at Emeryville, she saw her family. Her little cousins were bouncing around, her aunt stood patiently waiting. She'd never been so happy to see them. She hadn't slept, she'd only eaten food wrapped in plastic and her back ached from sitting. She stepped off the train and her little cousin bombarded her with a hug. "Wow it took a long time for you to get here! Mommy said she's buying you a plane ticket for when you go home so you don't have to do this ever again."
She thought of the beautiful things she'd seen on her adventure, the people she'd met. She thought of the opportunity to devour 3 books, one after another and the pages of angst she'd been able to write. She thought of the pirate guy and watching the sun come up. She thought of her seat mate and her kind traveling advice and the child with 20 Questions.
Then she thought of the extra 10 hours in a small tube-like mode of transportation and she smiled at her aunt.
"Thank you."
A train. She'd never ridden a train before, except for the one in the airport and that didn't really count. A friend told her of her own experience on the train and the description was a tale of beautiful sites and comfort. She fell in love with the idea. She would go to San Francisco by train and have a little adventure.
The adventure began at King Street Station with a late departure. The depot resembled an airport but only because it too had lines and irritated passengers waiting. A lot of headphone wearers, book readers, and nappers littered the station. She shrugged, not entirely impressed so far with her adventure and reached into her backpack for her own novel and headphones.
When they called for her departure, it wasn't a loud and jovial 'All aboard!' like she'd seen in her favorite movies, it was just a voice over an intercom. She frowned a little, disappointed.
Her feelings changed slightly as she climbed aboard the train and found her seat. Her seat was next to a window and she smiled the way you do when something pleasant unexpectedly happens. She sat down and made herself comfortable. She was in for a long ride. She held her ticket in her hand and reread the information. 22 hours from Seattle to San Francisco. Was she crazy?
Whatever, it was 22 hours. She'd be tired when she got there but she would have had an adventure!
Her seat mate was a small older woman, a veteran in train riding. The older woman told her she'd traveled for years, just back and forth across the country on trains. She found the older woman fascinating and took her offered butterscotch candy with a smile.
Her camera beside her, a notebook in her lap and her eyes gazing out the window, she was on her way.
Going out of the city she saw some of the grit everyone pretends isn't there. She could see homeless cities under bridges and overpasses, on the sides of tracks. She saw torn blankets as tents and broken playground equipment abandoned next to piles of tires. It wasn't exactly what she'd hoped to see on her travels.
Shortly after she left the city, the train slowed to a stop. The older woman next to her sighed knowingly.
"This track is shared with B&O Railroad. If they need to come this way, we have to let them pass."
Obviously this would take some time but she didn't mind. She picked up her book and started reading.
Hours passed. She finished her book and started a new one and still they had not moved. Her seat mate had long ago left for the Dining Car and her absence made her a little lonely. She stretched and caught the small child in front of her staring between the seats. She smiled and the child grinned back, showing a perfectly toothless gap where her two front teeth would be. The child came around and plopped down next to her. "Hi. I'm Allison. What's your name? Where are you going? Have you ever been on a train before? We're going to Alameda cause my grandpa died and his funeral is this weekend. I have a brother, do you have a brother?"
The child was a breath of fresh air and she enjoyed the banter. She was on her way to visit her little cousins and this child reminded her a bit of them. They all shared a love of peppermint gum and Star Wars action figures and talking to the child passed the time.
The child's mother bummed her a cigarette at a brief stop in Eugene, Oregon. She had called someone she knew that lived there, had hoped for a spontaneous reunion but he never showed. The cigarette from a stranger is different from one of your own.
Dinner on the train came from a tired woman selling chips and sandwiches. Alone with her notebook and the passing scenery, she sat in the Snack Car. She was writing bad poetry when she saw him walk in.
He wasn't normally a guy she would have been attracted to. He had red hair, kind of long and a beard with beads in it like a pirate. She took in his Birkenstocks and flannel, casual stroll, and kind eyes and thought, "I want to talk to him."
She didn't have to wait long. He asked if he could join her table and she secretly loved how movie-ish the line was. He was from nowhere.
The scenery outside became dark as they talked over coffee. He'd ridden a train before, he'd run away before, he was running now. He was everything she had wanted in a train ride and she didn't even know what his name was. It didn't matter.
They went to the Observation Car to share moments of quiet as the night raced by. She had just closed her eyes when he gently touched her shoulder. "Look. The sun's coming up."
She sat up slowly, stretching in the small plastic seat. Before her were windows showing her the side of morning when the sun isn't quite there yet. It was breathtaking. No broken down buildings here, just green woods and hidden waterfalls in the rocks. They sat together in silence, watching the sun kiss the world awake.
"Where are we?"
"Does it matter?"
She lost herself a little on the train. There were no clocks, no signs on the side of the road to catch glimpses of. It really didn't matter where she was or what time it was.
Until it was time to leave.
He left first, somewhere in Northern California that he'd heard about and never been. He waved at her from the platform and she kept him in sight until she couldn't anymore. The child in front of her left soon after, her mother gave her one more smoke for the next stop. The old woman had left some time in the night, a small note left. "Enjoy your trip!" and a butterscotch candy.
Her phone had long been abandoned in her bag but now she dug it out and saw she had messages. The time told her that her 22 hour trip had turned into 32 and her aunt had called. Returning the call she was finally able to say where she was and her aunt surprised her with a promise to be at the next town. She'd been driving from San Francisco to meet her.
Pulling into the station at Emeryville, she saw her family. Her little cousins were bouncing around, her aunt stood patiently waiting. She'd never been so happy to see them. She hadn't slept, she'd only eaten food wrapped in plastic and her back ached from sitting. She stepped off the train and her little cousin bombarded her with a hug. "Wow it took a long time for you to get here! Mommy said she's buying you a plane ticket for when you go home so you don't have to do this ever again."
She thought of the beautiful things she'd seen on her adventure, the people she'd met. She thought of the opportunity to devour 3 books, one after another and the pages of angst she'd been able to write. She thought of the pirate guy and watching the sun come up. She thought of her seat mate and her kind traveling advice and the child with 20 Questions.
Then she thought of the extra 10 hours in a small tube-like mode of transportation and she smiled at her aunt.
"Thank you."
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