Off the Blue Pill

I'm feeling a little sad tonight. I don't want to and it's been a long time since I have but...Yeah. I feel sad. Like I want to cry. But I can't cry. And I want to be held but that I wouldn't let anyone touch me. This is what it's like being a woman on her white row of birth control pills.

The problem with having a blog that you let everyone read is being able to talk about things that some people don't want to know. But I promised myself that when I started writing this blog about a year or so ago now, that I would say whatever I felt when I felt it. And right now, I feel sad.

I feel sad because a friend of mine is very sick. And while she's not my family by blood, she's part of the family in my heart. And her mother and her aunt and her sister and her grandmother and her father and her grandfather and everyone else that she holds dear are feeling the sadness too and that's just so much.

I've been trying to think of happy things to think about. I've started a list. But I'm stuck before I'm halfway there and the list is getting lame.

One of my best friends is helping me tremendously by giving me something to help me get farther in my personal goals. It wasn't expected and it was a beautiful gesture and I am so fucking lucky to have the friends I do.

I feel sad because I went to wash my hands after dinner and for a moment I forgot she was gone. I nearly reached for the phone because sometimes, it still feels like I can call and tell mom about the things going on in my life. But I can't.

A friend of mine told me he thought he'd finally met the perfect girl for him. He told me all about their first date and how excited he was to have the second. He told me they made out to classic rock and how he felt so lucky. I smiled and encouraged him to enjoy every moment he could spend with her-that he deserved the joy he was feeling.

I feel sad because I remember that feeling and it's addicting. Euphoric and magical and terrifically scary. And rare. Some only wonder what that feels like. I'm so fucking lucky to be able to describe it.

The back and forth of being female is such a roller coaster.
Life's little deathtrap carnival ride when all I want is an elephant ear.

I need distraction and Netflix is failing me and the cursor doesn't feel inspirational anymore, it feels mocking. I still want to cry but I also want to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's AND I want to have sex. All at the same time.

I guess that's better than just feeling sad.