Have You Seen This Girl?

What happened to me? I used to be someone else...someone different. Stronger. Where did I lose myself?

Where did I put me last? Where did I last see me?

In a relationship that was disastrous before it started.

He lives with his parents? He takes care of his mom.

He doesn't have a car? Neither do you.

He's a recovering addict? At least he's recovering. 

You're not that attracted to him. But he is to you, so it's ok.

 And that sealed it. He liked me so it didn't really matter that I liked him that much. Someone finally liked me. Someone was paying attention to me and telling me how pretty I was and how much they liked spending time with me and it was so....foreign to me. I drank it all up until I was intoxicated.

I ended up breaking up with him-the first time I'd ever done that- and it was so similar to firing someone that I almost asked for his key and badge when it was done.

And then I just decided I didn't need anyone. I was a fucking rock star and better off on my own. I'd meet the right guy when it was right. I was going to throw myself into work and then...

Work started to suck a little. I learned some things about myself and about others and it wasn't always good.

I went away then. With my friends and people that loved me no matter what and I felt my confidence start to creep back a little. I started walking taller. I started to believe that I really was ok on my own instead of just trying to make other people believe it.

And then the roller coaster dipped and I felt poorly about myself again.

What IS it? Is it pms? Is it just me? Am I fucking bi-polar? Am I just overly sensitive? WHY can't I just be?

Where did I lose myself? 

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Sometimes, just before I go to sleep my thoughts start whirling. I keep a notepad and pen right by my bed so that when my mind just doesn't stop, I can write it out.

I only went back a week or so, but this is what I'd written. The phrases in italics are exactly as they are scribbled in almost sleep.

~I fell in love with myself all over again. 

I remember when this happened. I had this blissful moment when I realized that people really do like me. They like being around me and talking to me and laughing with me and they know I make them feel good. I figured out that I was pretty neat and that if I just tried to remember that more often, I was going to be ok.

~Work
scissors for kit

Big End Cap -Summer-
cool beds, travel bowls
chuck-its, float coats
travel packs, bandannas 
with sale price BIG

*Look for dog/cat dummy things online

Clearly this was a brainstorm of work ideas, including a jam packed display. I never did look for the dog/cat things...completely forgot about it until I found the notepad.

~It's all about me. Not selfish, just want to know it all. 

Naive. 

I  often wrestle with the thought that I make things too much about me. How does this affect me now and in the long run? How will I deal with it?  I'm naive most of the time so I feel like if I knew 'everything' then I wouldn't be so....well, naive. It's ridiculous and I know that. I can never know everything but I love being able to say I tried.

~Look for a dresser (thrift) to replace the Ikea piece of shit

I tried to move my dresser with a giant relic of a television on it and now it looks all crooked and sad. I want a dresser that looks like it's been loved.

~Grow your hair out. You always get haircut remorse. 

It's true. Every time. And so I grow it out and then about an inch past my shoulders I'm over it and the cycle continues.

~Make an eye appointment. 

I don't need eyes per se. I need to get my eyes checked however, and probably get new glasses.   PS. I also heard this one in my mom's voice.

~Start the drive thing. No seriously. DO IT. 

I really want to. I really really do.

~Go to New Orleans alone. Be brave and have an adventure. 

This is something that I really feel like I have to do. And I will.

~Go see the drag queen!

A gentle reminder that I freaking love drag queens, especially the one that is coming to town soon. I need to gather up my fellow Rupaul fans and make this happen.

This is where my weird almost asleep mind stops and starts to drift into dreams. If I remember right, I had a sex dream that night.