Random Thoughts

Why is one of my fingernails ridiculously longer than the others?

It feels like time no longer exists. Each night I lay in bed, telling myself that the next day holds promise-that I can go out and do things and then I sleep until noon and nothing happens.

My cat scratches and licks all the time and she doesn't have fleas. I think she has anxiety like I do. Is it fucking catching now?

I read something I wrote 2 years ago about my anxiety and how it lead to my eventual departure from work and I was so blinded. My supervisor was not the right supervisor for me and perhaps for several others.

I want to get away. I want to go to the ocean or the mountains--just somewhere quiet.

I wish my husband liked more of the same things as me.  We have so many opposite interests that it used to worry me. It doesn't anymore. It just makes spending time together a challenge sometimes.

I seem to be having a bit of the ol depression monster on my back again and that's just lame.

My anxiety only flairs up when I have to interact with people so... good thing we're all in quarantine.

You don't realize how fat your face is until you use video chat. Not a good look. I don't even care about food anymore-nothing really tastes good. Unless I'm high and I do that often because I'm fucking BORED.

My hands are dry from washing them so often.

I'm being a whiny shit. There are people working every day and feeling uncomfortable in masks or with cranky assholes that make their job more difficult.

Should I go for a drive? Get out and get a coffee or something? And go where? I used to think I'd just drive places, didn't matter where but now that I can I just don't care.

I don't care about anything right now. Apathy is kind of a dick.

I didn't shower today because fuck it. I don't smell and no one's going to see me anyway.

The weather is my favorite kind and I'd love to be out in it but I'd also love to have company and no one is available and my husband doesn't like the outdoors. Well, that's not true, I do have a couple friends available but I don't call them because I feel like my anxiety would just peak and it's better to avoid that right?

My fucking cat keeps pissing on my office chair. I don't know why and I don't care. I just want the little shit to stop it. It doesn't matter if I clean it with the best cleaner I have, it's stuck in my nose.

I kind of just want to scream at the top of my lungs for no reason.

I could try painting I guess but the last few I've done seemed less than great and I don't want to be disappointed again. I just don't have the talent I wish I did. I can't even think of something to write about. This post is stupid.

I don't even feel like I want to cry. I just...don't feel anything right now.

The world is kind of a shit storm right now and I don't have the energy to be mad about it. I'm so tired of reading things that make me mad or sad or both. I watch the kitten videos to try and wipe out the ick but you know what? It doesn't really help because the world is just ugly too much.

I still think about my old boss and coworkers. I still miss the environment sometimes even though I don't want to at all.

I let go of someone toxic for the first time ever. Like where I told them I didn't want to hear from them ever again. It was hard but not as hard as it might have been years ago.

I'm not sure I'm going to need to continue therapy. Or maybe I need a different kind. I don't know. I just know it hasn't really been an issue to not have appointments.

I want to live somewhere else. I'm tired of the dogs and the blue lives matter flags and the thumping of bass from the neighbors down the street. I want to rearrange the house and all that's in it. I need change but am afraid of it for almost everything.

I have lots of hair on my chin and it pisses me off.

The house smells like jasmine rice because I made some and then didn't eat any because fuck food.

I sleep a lot. A LOT.

My book is good but not reading during the day good so I watch crime shows or star wars cartoons to keep my mind off the fact that I'm not doing anything.

My best friend calls me every day and it's the highlight. Even if all I do it watch her talk to her kids, it makes me feel less alone.

I have a brand new camera that is slowly gathering dust because all the fucking parks are still closed or too crowded with people not wearing masks. I want out but I'm afraid to go.

Things that used to seem like a good idea just seem stupid now and I can't seem to give a shit. I want to care but I'm too depressed to.

Time meant nothing, never would again.
Time's is hard. Even harder than the worst pies in London.

Boundaries

Identify 

physical 

emotional 

mental limits 

Consider 

tolerate 

accept stressful 

situations 

See red flags  

resentment 

interaction 

expectation 

Push beyond 

limits because we feel guilty 

Just want to be a good daughter or wife 

Forgiveness

This is what I felt. The words filled my mouth and I spit them out onto the screen, onto you. This is what I wanted to scream at you:

I forgave you. But I haven't forgotten. I wanted to but it's turned out to be much harder than I thought.

You hurt me. You fucking hurt me so much that more than a decade later it still hurts. Your apology seemed sincere at first, but then I remembered you don't know the meaning of the word. You're selfish and narcissistic and ugly inside. You have anger and hate in your heart that you proudly display.

You destroyed me. You killed my self esteem and any shred of confidence I had. I cried so often, it became strange when I didn't. You broke me. You made me feel that I was nothing and would never be anything to anyone.

And then, 13 years later, you said you were sorry. You told me you regretted what you'd been like with me. I want to believe you but I can't.

You say I'm important to you yet you have no interest in me. Since you've contacted me you haven't asked about me once. You only want to talk to me about your problems and your hatred to another person. You even asked me for a favor. Are you kidding?

I had deleted you from my life. I'd even gotten to a point where I could laugh a little at the bullshit you put me through before. But now it hurts again and all I want to do is hurt you. I don't want to play 'remember when' with you or talk about meeting up 'after all these years'. Fuck you.

You told me that someone said they disdain you. First, I don't think they used the word properly. You didn't when you relayed the story which only confirms that studying isn't something you did all these years. But the definition of the word is 'to think unworthy, to despise' and you know what? I bet they meant every breath of the word. You're not difficult to despise.

I don't like feeling this way about you. About anyone. But you ruined me on a level I didn't know was as deep as it is. Still, I forgave you. I'd hoped you'd changed like you said you had and once more, even after all these years, you proved me stupid for believing. Fuck you.

I decided this was something you needed to know. That our friendship was not capable of keeping any longer. Not for me. I decided to put myself before you and tell you everything I'd always wanted to say. I changed the words a little. I knew that if I sent it to you just like I'd written it you wouldn't see through the 'fuck yous' and the meaning of my words would get lost. They may anyway but at least I've given them to  you. I sent  you this instead: 

When you first contacted me, I said my hard feelings had faded but I was wrong. It's because I can't forget. You hurt me. You hurt me so much that more than a decade later it still hurts. You destroyed me. You killed my self esteem and any shred of confidence I had when we were together. I cried so often, it became strange when I didn't. You broke me. You made me feel that I was nothing and would never be anything to anyone. It took me years to work through that hurt and now it seems...there is still some left.

You say I'm important to you, that you are sorry you let me down. You didn't let me down, you hurt me. You told me I was never going to be good enough for you and said it so often I believed it. You were selfish, narcissistic and unkind to me. I didn't even see it until I wasn't with you and then, looking back, I was embarrassed and saddened.

Years passed and I had deleted you from my life. I'd even gotten to the point where I could laugh a little at the pain you put me through. But now it hurts all over again. I don't want to pretend that I'm ok with being friends again. I don't like feeling this way but you hurt me on a level I didn't know was as deep as it is. I wanted to forgive you but I can't forget. I'm sorry but I think it's best if you don't contact me anymore.

And even though I asked you not to, you responded with a letter than began, "Well that sucks..."  Then a lot of "I didn't know" and "I never meant to" but honestly that opening... I've sent it and this morning when I woke up, I knew there wouldn't be a message from you and it made my heart feel light. I let go. I forgave myself.