My heart hurts. I keep getting waves of sad crashing into me and it just doesn't stop. Oh I wish it would.
Fucking Valentines day is coming. I wish I was one of those girls that said, "I don't need anything" and meant it.
I talk about how much I hate the holiday but all I want is for someone to love me enough to want to celebrate it.
Last year I was in a meeting on Valentines day, flirting with a new love though text messages. I remember feeling like I'd never be alone again.
February 3rd. Logically I know its silly to have an "anniversary" but I just...wanted it so badly. I wanted to belong to someone and for them to belong to me. I was so sure.
I don't want to miss him anymore. My heart hurts.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Apology
I still feel guilty about the way things ended.
A text message. Jesus, both of us deserved better.
I guess it was over before then and I told myself that I tried but I could have tried harder.
I called you a couple times. One time you didn't answer, another I could tell you weren't really listening. I thought about writing you a letter but that felt shitty too.
I remember the exact moment I knew it was time.
I had just woken up and I reached for my phone to look for your daily good morning wish. It wasn't there. It hadn't been there in weeks and I hadn't told you I noticed. We'd seen each other, we'd had dinner together, we'd been intimate and still I said nothing about how it felt like you were pulling away.
I knew you were, you knew you were and we broke our promise to each other by not talking about it.
That morning I texted 11 words and hesitated, my finger above the send button. I closed my eyes, still holding the phone and breathed deeply. I took several breaths, tried to listen to my heart and my head at the same time. Everything went back and forth inside and then I heard, clear as day,"It's the right thing to do."
I pushed send.
I have to tell you I can't be with you anymore.
It was early in the morning and I hadn't been able to sleep. I knew you weren't going to get the message until later in the day but I still checked my phone obsessively. I thought about how you would feel when you read the words-if you would already know. I wondered if you'd be angry or sad or surprised or if you even cared.
I had tried talking to you about my feelings, about where I was and what I needed. You weren't right for me and I'd known it for awhile but I didn't want to. I told you everything I could but I could have tried harder. I told you that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to see you, and that I needed more time to fully explain. To me it seemed so very obvious but it wasn't to you and I couldn't figure out how to tell you. I'm so sorry. I didn't want things to end, I didn't want us to end.
I had to break up with you so that I could be with me. I had to put myself, my feelings, my heart...first. And it was awful and it hurt so much and I know I should have tried to do things better but I didn't and it's over and I haven't talked to you in almost a month. I picked up the phone a million times and I thought about that letter again. I even thought about going to the park by your place and waiting for you to come home, just in case you wanted to talk to me.
But I didn't. I chose me instead. And I cried. And I poured myself into my work. And I rekindled old friendships. And I realized some things about myself. That sucked too at the same time that it didn't. And I cried. I ate bad food. I watched terrible television. I slept a lot. I talked about it. I wrote about it. And I cried.
No doubt these feelings will linger a bit more but perhaps for the first time ever, I recognize that they won't last forever. It's ok to have these feelings.
It was the right thing to do.
A text message. Jesus, both of us deserved better.
I guess it was over before then and I told myself that I tried but I could have tried harder.
I called you a couple times. One time you didn't answer, another I could tell you weren't really listening. I thought about writing you a letter but that felt shitty too.
I remember the exact moment I knew it was time.
I had just woken up and I reached for my phone to look for your daily good morning wish. It wasn't there. It hadn't been there in weeks and I hadn't told you I noticed. We'd seen each other, we'd had dinner together, we'd been intimate and still I said nothing about how it felt like you were pulling away.
I knew you were, you knew you were and we broke our promise to each other by not talking about it.
That morning I texted 11 words and hesitated, my finger above the send button. I closed my eyes, still holding the phone and breathed deeply. I took several breaths, tried to listen to my heart and my head at the same time. Everything went back and forth inside and then I heard, clear as day,"It's the right thing to do."
I pushed send.
I have to tell you I can't be with you anymore.
It was early in the morning and I hadn't been able to sleep. I knew you weren't going to get the message until later in the day but I still checked my phone obsessively. I thought about how you would feel when you read the words-if you would already know. I wondered if you'd be angry or sad or surprised or if you even cared.
I had tried talking to you about my feelings, about where I was and what I needed. You weren't right for me and I'd known it for awhile but I didn't want to. I told you everything I could but I could have tried harder. I told you that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to see you, and that I needed more time to fully explain. To me it seemed so very obvious but it wasn't to you and I couldn't figure out how to tell you. I'm so sorry. I didn't want things to end, I didn't want us to end.
I had to break up with you so that I could be with me. I had to put myself, my feelings, my heart...first. And it was awful and it hurt so much and I know I should have tried to do things better but I didn't and it's over and I haven't talked to you in almost a month. I picked up the phone a million times and I thought about that letter again. I even thought about going to the park by your place and waiting for you to come home, just in case you wanted to talk to me.
But I didn't. I chose me instead. And I cried. And I poured myself into my work. And I rekindled old friendships. And I realized some things about myself. That sucked too at the same time that it didn't. And I cried. I ate bad food. I watched terrible television. I slept a lot. I talked about it. I wrote about it. And I cried.
No doubt these feelings will linger a bit more but perhaps for the first time ever, I recognize that they won't last forever. It's ok to have these feelings.
It was the right thing to do.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Here Comes the Sun
"I found the bracelet that they gave everyone the day we saw the Dali Lama. It made me think of you."
I remember taking the second one and instantly feeling a little wrong about it. I mean, they were free, but it was a big love fest in the arena that day. It felt weird to be a little...greedy?
I wore the first one for a good couple of years. I took it off the day I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. She didn't ask me to but somehow I couldn't justify a braided bracelet with sea foam satin.
It was totally sea foam.
I've been thinking about Buddhism. I very much feel connected to it though I haven't yet sat down and studied it. I know that the message it shares is to see the world with kind eyes and be compassionate to one another. That's definitely something I believe in. I know that Tibetan prayer flags are hung so that the prayers written on them can be carried from the wind into the universe. I know that if you're really quiet with yourself, if you just listen to what your self is telling you-the right choices will be made.
When we got the bracelets, they came with a bead and three strands of yellow, blue and green thread. You were to ask the person next to you to braid it and then tie it on your wrist. It was a sign of friendship with someone you didn't know-or at least that's how I interpreted it. That sunny day I met someone that would end up being very important to me. The second, untied bracelet waited in my pocket.
There are a ton of little places in my apartment that I just...put things. If it's a coffee cup that I think is too pretty to drink out of it become a pen holder. I have cat dishes with random little bits of things you might need in them because they were too 'cute' for cat food. Candle holders with minuscule bits of wax become a place that pony tail holders live. I don't know why and it doesn't really matter. But tonight I happened to look up at the shelf on my desk. I had just filled my water bottle and was about to settle into an evening of some serious Pinteresting when I saw the loose threads of the second bracelet hanging from a cup/now pen holder. I smiled.
As soon as I started braiding, I knew it was time for me to wear it again. This time, I'd be braiding the threads myself, because...I'm going to be a friend to me now. As I entwined the colors together, my thoughts went to the last few weeks and I noticed the braid went a little crooked. Before, when I'd been quiet with myself, it had been perfectly straight. I stopped for a moment and swallowed, closed my eyes. I gave myself permission to feel sad about things. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, started braiding again, finished it. Tying it on my own wrist was a little tricky and I might have to have a friend tighten it up, but it's there, reminding me of kindness and compassion and hope and love and warmth. It's there to remind me to give those things to myself.
That's definitely something I believe in.
I don't think it was greedy to take the second one anymore. I think I was supposed to have it for right now. Finding the bracelet was such a perfectly timed reminder in a world that is desperately imperfect. It came when I needed to remember that kindness and compassion and hope and love and warmth are the things that I love about this life. Why would I spend my time feeling anything else?
I'm not unrealistic of course. I know I'm gonna get pissed sometimes. I'm going to cry and rant about bullshit. I'm going to have moments. But I can try and focus on letting them be only that-moments. I'll breathe or cry or scream through them and come out the other side of it.
Today I feel like I'm going to be ok.
I remember taking the second one and instantly feeling a little wrong about it. I mean, they were free, but it was a big love fest in the arena that day. It felt weird to be a little...greedy?
I wore the first one for a good couple of years. I took it off the day I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. She didn't ask me to but somehow I couldn't justify a braided bracelet with sea foam satin.
It was totally sea foam.
I've been thinking about Buddhism. I very much feel connected to it though I haven't yet sat down and studied it. I know that the message it shares is to see the world with kind eyes and be compassionate to one another. That's definitely something I believe in. I know that Tibetan prayer flags are hung so that the prayers written on them can be carried from the wind into the universe. I know that if you're really quiet with yourself, if you just listen to what your self is telling you-the right choices will be made.
When we got the bracelets, they came with a bead and three strands of yellow, blue and green thread. You were to ask the person next to you to braid it and then tie it on your wrist. It was a sign of friendship with someone you didn't know-or at least that's how I interpreted it. That sunny day I met someone that would end up being very important to me. The second, untied bracelet waited in my pocket.
There are a ton of little places in my apartment that I just...put things. If it's a coffee cup that I think is too pretty to drink out of it become a pen holder. I have cat dishes with random little bits of things you might need in them because they were too 'cute' for cat food. Candle holders with minuscule bits of wax become a place that pony tail holders live. I don't know why and it doesn't really matter. But tonight I happened to look up at the shelf on my desk. I had just filled my water bottle and was about to settle into an evening of some serious Pinteresting when I saw the loose threads of the second bracelet hanging from a cup/now pen holder. I smiled.
As soon as I started braiding, I knew it was time for me to wear it again. This time, I'd be braiding the threads myself, because...I'm going to be a friend to me now. As I entwined the colors together, my thoughts went to the last few weeks and I noticed the braid went a little crooked. Before, when I'd been quiet with myself, it had been perfectly straight. I stopped for a moment and swallowed, closed my eyes. I gave myself permission to feel sad about things. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, started braiding again, finished it. Tying it on my own wrist was a little tricky and I might have to have a friend tighten it up, but it's there, reminding me of kindness and compassion and hope and love and warmth. It's there to remind me to give those things to myself.
That's definitely something I believe in.
I don't think it was greedy to take the second one anymore. I think I was supposed to have it for right now. Finding the bracelet was such a perfectly timed reminder in a world that is desperately imperfect. It came when I needed to remember that kindness and compassion and hope and love and warmth are the things that I love about this life. Why would I spend my time feeling anything else?
I'm not unrealistic of course. I know I'm gonna get pissed sometimes. I'm going to cry and rant about bullshit. I'm going to have moments. But I can try and focus on letting them be only that-moments. I'll breathe or cry or scream through them and come out the other side of it.
Today I feel like I'm going to be ok.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Breaking Apart
I loved you so much. I loved the way you looked at me and made me feel and your smile and a million other things I can't put into words.
I had never felt loved before. I had never felt so accepted and understood and so....loved.
You had these moments when you were angry and while I knew it was never towards me I felt a little sick inside. It felt like you would say those things about me someday and the idea just crushed me.
I'm not sure exactly when I knew you weren't right for me. I remember waking up one morning after you'd gone to work. The noise of the city a comforting background noise in your empty apartment. I remember a song floating in the outskirts of the dream I'd just had. "Loving you is easy" and "Loving you's the right thing to do..." The first phrase is from a Sarah McLachlan song. The second phrase I kept hearing as a question. And when you listen to Carly Simon sing it, her voice lilts.
I heard both sets of those lyrics in the quiet of your home and I knew I wasn't sure.
I denied it, shook it off but it came back on Thanksgiving. You were so cold that day. All I wanted was for us to be together, to celebrate being thankful for all the good things we had, even if you felt they were too few. But you had other plans. You wanted to work on your music and I didn't mind. I loved that you were so creative. I loved that you were writing a song-I even think I might have inspired it though I never dared to ask.
All day you played. But not before you rolled your eyes at me while cooking breakfast. A meal we'd always enjoyed together suddenly became just food. I had told you I was thankful to have you
I saw you roll your eyes and sigh disgustedly while you scrambled my eggs and I knew I wasn't sure.
I burst into tears and told you how the very bottom of my heart ached with sadness. I tried to explain that I was hurting because it was the first holiday without both of them and that all I wanted was for us to be together and have happiness and you told me to eat my food. You tried to help I think, in your way. You suggested a few things but they always came back to how you were feeling. You went back to your music. I went to the kitchen. While I baked pie, you recorded your song and shushed me when the 'kitchen sounds' were picked up on the mic.
You asked me where the gravy was before you said anything else and I knew I wasn't sure.
Two weeks passed. Enough time for me to miss you. I couldn't wait to hold you, talk to you. I'd been feeling empty since the holiday and wanted so very much to fix it. You came inside and hugged me with your sideways smile and I fell into you.
"I missed you."
"Don't smother me,ok?"
You walked passed me to the kitchen and complained when I didn't have what you wanted and I knew I wasn't sure.
I told you I was feeling sad, insecure and confused. I told you I needed you to be there for me, to try and understand. You told me I was acting weird, that I needed to see a counselor. You couldn't comfort me and told me to eat my food. We watched tv in silence, you on your phone, me sniffling in the opposite couch corner. And then you were tired and we went to bed and it felt different somehow. It hurt my heart and made me exquisitely happy at the same time. But I knew it would be the last time. You slept then and the routine of the morning came and went.
I tried to call. I tried to write. I tried to message and email and call again. You were busy. You were sick. You were not there when I needed you and I knew I was sure.
I had never felt loved before. I had never felt so accepted and understood and so....loved.
You had these moments when you were angry and while I knew it was never towards me I felt a little sick inside. It felt like you would say those things about me someday and the idea just crushed me.
I'm not sure exactly when I knew you weren't right for me. I remember waking up one morning after you'd gone to work. The noise of the city a comforting background noise in your empty apartment. I remember a song floating in the outskirts of the dream I'd just had. "Loving you is easy" and "Loving you's the right thing to do..." The first phrase is from a Sarah McLachlan song. The second phrase I kept hearing as a question. And when you listen to Carly Simon sing it, her voice lilts.
I heard both sets of those lyrics in the quiet of your home and I knew I wasn't sure.
I denied it, shook it off but it came back on Thanksgiving. You were so cold that day. All I wanted was for us to be together, to celebrate being thankful for all the good things we had, even if you felt they were too few. But you had other plans. You wanted to work on your music and I didn't mind. I loved that you were so creative. I loved that you were writing a song-I even think I might have inspired it though I never dared to ask.
All day you played. But not before you rolled your eyes at me while cooking breakfast. A meal we'd always enjoyed together suddenly became just food. I had told you I was thankful to have you
I saw you roll your eyes and sigh disgustedly while you scrambled my eggs and I knew I wasn't sure.
I burst into tears and told you how the very bottom of my heart ached with sadness. I tried to explain that I was hurting because it was the first holiday without both of them and that all I wanted was for us to be together and have happiness and you told me to eat my food. You tried to help I think, in your way. You suggested a few things but they always came back to how you were feeling. You went back to your music. I went to the kitchen. While I baked pie, you recorded your song and shushed me when the 'kitchen sounds' were picked up on the mic.
You asked me where the gravy was before you said anything else and I knew I wasn't sure.
Two weeks passed. Enough time for me to miss you. I couldn't wait to hold you, talk to you. I'd been feeling empty since the holiday and wanted so very much to fix it. You came inside and hugged me with your sideways smile and I fell into you.
"I missed you."
"Don't smother me,ok?"
You walked passed me to the kitchen and complained when I didn't have what you wanted and I knew I wasn't sure.
I told you I was feeling sad, insecure and confused. I told you I needed you to be there for me, to try and understand. You told me I was acting weird, that I needed to see a counselor. You couldn't comfort me and told me to eat my food. We watched tv in silence, you on your phone, me sniffling in the opposite couch corner. And then you were tired and we went to bed and it felt different somehow. It hurt my heart and made me exquisitely happy at the same time. But I knew it would be the last time. You slept then and the routine of the morning came and went.
I tried to call. I tried to write. I tried to message and email and call again. You were busy. You were sick. You were not there when I needed you and I knew I was sure.
Not Yet
Getting over him wasn't supposed to be this hard. I was the one that initiated the end so it should be easier, right?
I don't know what kind of actions to take to help myself. I don't know how I can just allow time to do the work for me. I don't know how to not want to call and hear his voice.
I have to force myself to think of the bad things. I have to make myself remember that he's not good for me.
I've asked friends for advice, for distraction...I've numbed my brain on drugs and Dexter episodes. I've written here and privately to try and rid myself of the overwhelming feelings. I've talked to friends and my dad and myself about this to try and figure out the best plan for me.
I've accepted that time may be the only thing that really works and while I hate the phrase, I recognize that 'this too shall pass'.
And yet, here I am, crying again because all I want to do is hold him and feel him hold me.
I can't call him. He probably hates me. And it might be worse if he didn't.
He has issues. We all do. I had to decide if I could deal with his. I don't think I can. His anger. His miserable happy....But his eyes. His love for me. His heart that tries so hard. No one is perfect after all.
I told him that even if we weren't together, he was always in my heart.
Kinda surprised he's still there I guess.
I don't know what kind of actions to take to help myself. I don't know how I can just allow time to do the work for me. I don't know how to not want to call and hear his voice.
I have to force myself to think of the bad things. I have to make myself remember that he's not good for me.
I've asked friends for advice, for distraction...I've numbed my brain on drugs and Dexter episodes. I've written here and privately to try and rid myself of the overwhelming feelings. I've talked to friends and my dad and myself about this to try and figure out the best plan for me.
I've accepted that time may be the only thing that really works and while I hate the phrase, I recognize that 'this too shall pass'.
And yet, here I am, crying again because all I want to do is hold him and feel him hold me.
I can't call him. He probably hates me. And it might be worse if he didn't.
He has issues. We all do. I had to decide if I could deal with his. I don't think I can. His anger. His miserable happy....But his eyes. His love for me. His heart that tries so hard. No one is perfect after all.
I told him that even if we weren't together, he was always in my heart.
Kinda surprised he's still there I guess.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Don't Look
This is hard.
I thought I was ok. I even started flirting with a guy, letting him flirt with me. And when he suggested we play around at being not just friends for a night, I thought that would be ok too. I thought because there was no way I wanted a relationship that it would be fine.
It wasn't. And not because I developed feelings for him. But because I haven't let go of the feelings I have for the ex yet.
I tried to do something, anything that would help me forget the good times. Didn't work. Fucking life lesson that I really wish I'd already learned.
There was a moment with this guy when he looked at me and it was not his eyes I saw, but the ex's. Suddenly I remembered every tender moment we'd had together and I wanted more than anything to taste his mouth on mine and not....this guy.
I know the ex isn't right for me but I miss him so much. I miss him in my bed, in my arms, in my heart.
I've never experienced anything like that feeling before.
I wish he hadn't looked at me. I would have been fine if he'd just not looked into my eyes.
I can't let go of those moments with the ex that made my heart flutter. I keep remembering the way he looked at me, held me, touched me....I miss it. I have to keep repeating that I know it's for the best for me to not be with him but my heart...it's screaming otherwise.
What do I do? Listen to my heart or my mind that keeps reminding me that I deserve better? I go back and forth and back and forth with wondering if maybe..if just maybe we could...
But why? Ok. Deep breath. Listen up Self, you need a smack of reality.
He's an 'everything in the world sucks' kind of person and you are a 'there are some really great parts in this world' person. Those two kinds of people don't usually mesh well. But we did. Unless we didn't.
Fuck. Round and round and round we go.
If he'd just not looked at me.
I thought I was ok. I even started flirting with a guy, letting him flirt with me. And when he suggested we play around at being not just friends for a night, I thought that would be ok too. I thought because there was no way I wanted a relationship that it would be fine.
It wasn't. And not because I developed feelings for him. But because I haven't let go of the feelings I have for the ex yet.
I tried to do something, anything that would help me forget the good times. Didn't work. Fucking life lesson that I really wish I'd already learned.
There was a moment with this guy when he looked at me and it was not his eyes I saw, but the ex's. Suddenly I remembered every tender moment we'd had together and I wanted more than anything to taste his mouth on mine and not....this guy.
I know the ex isn't right for me but I miss him so much. I miss him in my bed, in my arms, in my heart.
I've never experienced anything like that feeling before.
I wish he hadn't looked at me. I would have been fine if he'd just not looked into my eyes.
I can't let go of those moments with the ex that made my heart flutter. I keep remembering the way he looked at me, held me, touched me....I miss it. I have to keep repeating that I know it's for the best for me to not be with him but my heart...it's screaming otherwise.
What do I do? Listen to my heart or my mind that keeps reminding me that I deserve better? I go back and forth and back and forth with wondering if maybe..if just maybe we could...
But why? Ok. Deep breath. Listen up Self, you need a smack of reality.
He's an 'everything in the world sucks' kind of person and you are a 'there are some really great parts in this world' person. Those two kinds of people don't usually mesh well. But we did. Unless we didn't.
Fuck. Round and round and round we go.
If he'd just not looked at me.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Love
You know what's crazy? Whenever I hear a car pull up outside there's this tiny little part of me that hopes it's him. He doesn't even own a car but I've always wanted that magic movie moment. I wanted to be enough for someone to fight for.
It's the sound of tires on wet concrete. There's something about that sound that just makes me feel all...feely.
I suppose if I were going to shrink myself and analyze it, I could probably trace it back to the sound of my dad coming home. His giant Cadillac roaring up the alley meant that my mom would smile soon. How they loved each other.
So many times I've been wrong. I thought I was in love so many times. I don't feel bad about it. Maybe a little foolish, but I remember advice my grandmother gave me. She told me I loved as much as I could at the time. Love, or what love means to me, has changed for me over the years-as I grow. Definitely don't feel love the same way I did at 15. Wow. That was over 20 years ago....
And I can tell you about all of them.
But I think I want to keep that for me just now. The last one is still too fresh. I miss him still and it's a challenge not to call him.
But today the universe will not allow it and that's a good thing. I skipped a phone payment and can't call out. I don't even know what I would say.
I want him to fight for me.
But he won't.
And it's not him in the car out front. He doesn't even have a car.
Fuck I hate this. The back and forth sad feels with confident new feels and the knowing what I did was right for me and hating that I had to do it and missing his touch and missing....well....the little things I suppose. The little things that looking back, really were small. And when I start to feel all of those little things add up and my heart starts getting all squishy and I think that maybe it's all worth it...I remember.
"Don't smother me."
Pushing me over so he could be comfortable in bed.
"Where's the gravy?" on Thanksgiving when he'd ignored me all day.
"Well if I shit in a box and gave it to you, would you like that?"
Never saying thank you. For anything.
Long angry rants about exes.
Texting at dinner
Telling me he didn't want to kiss me because he'd want to have sex and he wasn't in the mood.
"You need to get over it and get some counseling. She's been dead for how long?"
Telling me to be quiet so his ex wouldn't hear me when she called.
Never doing things I wanted to do because he'd 'already done them with <insert ex girlfriend's name>'.
Complaining about the bus and 'those fucking people' on it, every time he came to visit.
Rude to strangers/waitresses/people on the other end of the phone
He could be so angry. So negative and...not me.
That helps me a little. To remember those things. It helps me forget
"I'm so in love with you."
Wrapping himself around me as we slept.
"Every day is Valentine's Day with you."
"You're beautiful."
Telling me he loved me when he thought I didn't hear.
Long conversations on the phone about nothing
Breakfast for dinner
Telling me he loved to kiss me, touch me, look at me
"I'll always be there for you."
Writing me a poem, a song, a letter.
Introducing me to new places in the city I would never have seen without him
His sweet smile when we saw each other for the first time all week
I suppose it won't always be like this. And in truth, each day gets a little better. But I keep wondering how he is, if he's doing ok. If he's thinking of me. I keep wondering if....
Sigh.
It's the sound of tires on wet concrete. There's something about that sound that just makes me feel all...feely.
I suppose if I were going to shrink myself and analyze it, I could probably trace it back to the sound of my dad coming home. His giant Cadillac roaring up the alley meant that my mom would smile soon. How they loved each other.
So many times I've been wrong. I thought I was in love so many times. I don't feel bad about it. Maybe a little foolish, but I remember advice my grandmother gave me. She told me I loved as much as I could at the time. Love, or what love means to me, has changed for me over the years-as I grow. Definitely don't feel love the same way I did at 15. Wow. That was over 20 years ago....
And I can tell you about all of them.
But I think I want to keep that for me just now. The last one is still too fresh. I miss him still and it's a challenge not to call him.
But today the universe will not allow it and that's a good thing. I skipped a phone payment and can't call out. I don't even know what I would say.
I want him to fight for me.
But he won't.
And it's not him in the car out front. He doesn't even have a car.
Fuck I hate this. The back and forth sad feels with confident new feels and the knowing what I did was right for me and hating that I had to do it and missing his touch and missing....well....the little things I suppose. The little things that looking back, really were small. And when I start to feel all of those little things add up and my heart starts getting all squishy and I think that maybe it's all worth it...I remember.
"Don't smother me."
Pushing me over so he could be comfortable in bed.
"Where's the gravy?" on Thanksgiving when he'd ignored me all day.
"Well if I shit in a box and gave it to you, would you like that?"
Never saying thank you. For anything.
Long angry rants about exes.
Texting at dinner
Telling me he didn't want to kiss me because he'd want to have sex and he wasn't in the mood.
"You need to get over it and get some counseling. She's been dead for how long?"
Telling me to be quiet so his ex wouldn't hear me when she called.
Never doing things I wanted to do because he'd 'already done them with <insert ex girlfriend's name>'.
Complaining about the bus and 'those fucking people' on it, every time he came to visit.
Rude to strangers/waitresses/people on the other end of the phone
He could be so angry. So negative and...not me.
That helps me a little. To remember those things. It helps me forget
"I'm so in love with you."
Wrapping himself around me as we slept.
"Every day is Valentine's Day with you."
"You're beautiful."
Telling me he loved me when he thought I didn't hear.
Long conversations on the phone about nothing
Breakfast for dinner
Telling me he loved to kiss me, touch me, look at me
"I'll always be there for you."
Writing me a poem, a song, a letter.
Introducing me to new places in the city I would never have seen without him
His sweet smile when we saw each other for the first time all week
I suppose it won't always be like this. And in truth, each day gets a little better. But I keep wondering how he is, if he's doing ok. If he's thinking of me. I keep wondering if....
Sigh.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Just a Day
Sometimes, it's just a day. Go to work, run errands, come home and then....what?
This is when I hear myself get all chastise-y. I start saying things to myself like, "Well, you could go back to school." Or "Why don't you go volunteer for something?" and "Seriously, are you EVER going to get your driver's license?" "Watching old reruns of Different Strokes and eating bacon for dinner isn't really making the most of your life you know. Even if it was the Muhammad Ali episode."
Told you I wasn't always nice to myself.
School is expensive. And I don't know what I want to be when I grow up so why go and it's scary and I'm too old and fuck I STILL DON'T KNOW what I want to BE.
Volunteer for what? Being sarcastic to strangers? Do you even have time where would you volunteer you'd get tired and be worthless and dammit I don't KNOW WHAT I WANT to DO.
Drive. DRIVE. Your dad wants you to and you could actually fucking go places on your own and it's scary and new and expensive and I'm embarrassed I don't drive already and shit you DON'T KNOW WHERE you'd GO.
I want to eat really fucking badly and watch reruns of Snapped. I want to sleep as soon as I get up for the day and I want to see how long it takes for me to start to smell.
But I don't. Well, I'm working on the eating thing. Not really. Whatever. Fuck it. MOON PIES
I want to call him and tell him to come over. I want him to tell me that everything will be different and that his love for me is so strong that he'll do anything as long as I do too so we can build the life we'd talked about and live happily ever after because goddammit WHY can't the fairy tales be just a little bit real?
Sometimes it's just a day I guess.
This is when I hear myself get all chastise-y. I start saying things to myself like, "Well, you could go back to school." Or "Why don't you go volunteer for something?" and "Seriously, are you EVER going to get your driver's license?" "Watching old reruns of Different Strokes and eating bacon for dinner isn't really making the most of your life you know. Even if it was the Muhammad Ali episode."
Told you I wasn't always nice to myself.
School is expensive. And I don't know what I want to be when I grow up so why go and it's scary and I'm too old and fuck I STILL DON'T KNOW what I want to BE.
Volunteer for what? Being sarcastic to strangers? Do you even have time where would you volunteer you'd get tired and be worthless and dammit I don't KNOW WHAT I WANT to DO.
Drive. DRIVE. Your dad wants you to and you could actually fucking go places on your own and it's scary and new and expensive and I'm embarrassed I don't drive already and shit you DON'T KNOW WHERE you'd GO.
I want to eat really fucking badly and watch reruns of Snapped. I want to sleep as soon as I get up for the day and I want to see how long it takes for me to start to smell.
But I don't. Well, I'm working on the eating thing. Not really. Whatever. Fuck it. MOON PIES
I want to call him and tell him to come over. I want him to tell me that everything will be different and that his love for me is so strong that he'll do anything as long as I do too so we can build the life we'd talked about and live happily ever after because goddammit WHY can't the fairy tales be just a little bit real?
Sometimes it's just a day I guess.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Today is the Third
First I looked at sexy men. Then I looked at colorful artwork. Then I scrolled through photos of elephants.
I'm addicted to Pinterest dammit.
I've literally been sitting in this really fucking uncomfortable chair for so long that my right shoulder is achy from maneuvering the mouse. There's a friendly little reminder that I'm terribly out of shape. Sore from surfing the internet? Jesus.
I had a really long conversation today with one of my staffers. I enjoyed it. And that's all I'm going to say about that cause that's work and this is the internet. You understand.
I can tell you about this adorable little boy that came in today. He came right up to a dog that was in the store, asked if he could pet. I was immediately impressed-most kids don't know that asking first is a good idea.
After he'd sufficiently ruffled the pup's fur, he turned to me with his four year old hands in his pockets and said in a forty year old voice, "I had a dog once. But he died."
I consoled him appropriately, completely entertained by this old soul in overalls.
"We have a new dog now." Pause. "You know, sometimes, you turn to compost."
I exchanged amused glances with his mother who smiled, a little embarrassed, "We've been talking about that a lot."
"Sometimes though..., " the young philosopher went on, "...sometimes you just die."
"I suppose that's true isn't it?" I agreed, but he had moved on, a squeaky toy diverting his attention.
Later I was asked how things were going with my boyfriend and I had to do that weird awkward correction that you have to do when you break up with someone. I got the Puppy. The Puppy is that look people give you when they suddenly feel like an ass for bringing up a sore subject. You know the one. A slight head tilt to one side, squinty eye and pouty face of sympathy. It's not their fault. How could they know the guy you thought was the one you were going to be with forever turned out not to be? But I'm not going to lie and say everything is fine when I feel like punching you in the throat for just a second, because you said his name. I'll be fine.
I almost called him the other night after I'd finished looking over my 2013 notes...There were a lot of them that mentioned him and it made me fall back in love with those first few months. I almost called to tell him that I just wished him well because I do. I almost called to tell him that I wanted to give things another try and then someone texted me. Thank you my friend because you told me at just the right time, all things I already knew.
I almost called to see how he was because let's be honest; I want to know if he's feeling as shitty about this as I am. I want to know if he's thought about me at all, missed me, wondered how I am. I almost called to tell him that I missed his skin, and smile and the way he called me 'baby'. But I didn't. Because I know it doesn't matter and I'm not saying that to be all sad. I'm saying it because it really doesn't. If it did, I wouldn't have to tell him.
I kind of hope he feels a little shitty. Just a little.
I'm addicted to Pinterest dammit.
I've literally been sitting in this really fucking uncomfortable chair for so long that my right shoulder is achy from maneuvering the mouse. There's a friendly little reminder that I'm terribly out of shape. Sore from surfing the internet? Jesus.
I had a really long conversation today with one of my staffers. I enjoyed it. And that's all I'm going to say about that cause that's work and this is the internet. You understand.
I can tell you about this adorable little boy that came in today. He came right up to a dog that was in the store, asked if he could pet. I was immediately impressed-most kids don't know that asking first is a good idea.
After he'd sufficiently ruffled the pup's fur, he turned to me with his four year old hands in his pockets and said in a forty year old voice, "I had a dog once. But he died."
I consoled him appropriately, completely entertained by this old soul in overalls.
"We have a new dog now." Pause. "You know, sometimes, you turn to compost."
I exchanged amused glances with his mother who smiled, a little embarrassed, "We've been talking about that a lot."
"Sometimes though..., " the young philosopher went on, "...sometimes you just die."
"I suppose that's true isn't it?" I agreed, but he had moved on, a squeaky toy diverting his attention.
Later I was asked how things were going with my boyfriend and I had to do that weird awkward correction that you have to do when you break up with someone. I got the Puppy. The Puppy is that look people give you when they suddenly feel like an ass for bringing up a sore subject. You know the one. A slight head tilt to one side, squinty eye and pouty face of sympathy. It's not their fault. How could they know the guy you thought was the one you were going to be with forever turned out not to be? But I'm not going to lie and say everything is fine when I feel like punching you in the throat for just a second, because you said his name. I'll be fine.
I almost called him the other night after I'd finished looking over my 2013 notes...There were a lot of them that mentioned him and it made me fall back in love with those first few months. I almost called to tell him that I just wished him well because I do. I almost called to tell him that I wanted to give things another try and then someone texted me. Thank you my friend because you told me at just the right time, all things I already knew.
I almost called to see how he was because let's be honest; I want to know if he's feeling as shitty about this as I am. I want to know if he's thought about me at all, missed me, wondered how I am. I almost called to tell him that I missed his skin, and smile and the way he called me 'baby'. But I didn't. Because I know it doesn't matter and I'm not saying that to be all sad. I'm saying it because it really doesn't. If it did, I wouldn't have to tell him.
I kind of hope he feels a little shitty. Just a little.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Tradition
Black eyed peas. Supposedly if you eat them on New Year's, you are rewarded with prosperity and good luck throughout the year. My friend's husband eats a cheese ball. Another friend eats miso soup.
Where did this come from? How did your family decide that eating that particular item was the key to year long happiness?
My family has traditions too and no doubt they would seem strange to someone outside my blood line. My grandmother, for example, always danced with her poultry. Every Thanksgiving, Grandma would hold up the naked turkey by it's wings and spin it around, singing her 'thanks' to it for feeding us. She was a little weird.
My uncle and I went and visited my mom every Sunday for over a year. We stopped by the grocery store down the hill and bought her flowers and an iced latte. Sometimes we got a ridiculous balloon instead or a small plant. My uncle sometimes brought Beanie Babies that he'd found on a goodwill trip. We drove into Ballard without talking much, me silently staring out the window watching the seasons change. Occasionally he'd go into a rage at another driver-it was usually worse on the way back home. After our visit.
Our visit began with the smell of almost death. Old people stumbling through the hallways with stained pants and creaky wheelchairs. The hallway was a horror movie. But she was so happy to see us. Sometimes she was sleeping but usually she was wide awake, waiting for us to come around the curtain to tell her anything that wasn't connected to the hospital bed she lay in.
We usually left at lunch time, the tray's arrival a good time for my uncle to say it was time to go. I never argued. It got harder to leave and even harder to stay towards the end...She'd cry a lot.
My uncle and I would walk back down the hall silently, trying not to see. He'd immediately light up when we got back to the truck. Sometimes I'd indulge-if I didn't want to feel.
The conversation in the car on the way home was often about what we were 'going to do'. We never knew and eventually the conversation die. A lot can be said in a silent car ride.
He'd drop me off and I'd go into my dark apartment and feel sad. The days would turn and I'd pretend to care that I wasn't working for a week. Sunday would come around again and I'd be back in the truck with my uncle, on my way to mom.
This year while preparing a roast chicken for Thanksgiving I thought of grandma. I sprinkled on the spices and shoved butter under it's skin and as I lifted it to move it to the roasting pan, I did a little spin. "Thanks little chicken for being here for me to eat." And then I laughed.
Tradition.
Where did this come from? How did your family decide that eating that particular item was the key to year long happiness?
My family has traditions too and no doubt they would seem strange to someone outside my blood line. My grandmother, for example, always danced with her poultry. Every Thanksgiving, Grandma would hold up the naked turkey by it's wings and spin it around, singing her 'thanks' to it for feeding us. She was a little weird.
My uncle and I went and visited my mom every Sunday for over a year. We stopped by the grocery store down the hill and bought her flowers and an iced latte. Sometimes we got a ridiculous balloon instead or a small plant. My uncle sometimes brought Beanie Babies that he'd found on a goodwill trip. We drove into Ballard without talking much, me silently staring out the window watching the seasons change. Occasionally he'd go into a rage at another driver-it was usually worse on the way back home. After our visit.
Our visit began with the smell of almost death. Old people stumbling through the hallways with stained pants and creaky wheelchairs. The hallway was a horror movie. But she was so happy to see us. Sometimes she was sleeping but usually she was wide awake, waiting for us to come around the curtain to tell her anything that wasn't connected to the hospital bed she lay in.
We usually left at lunch time, the tray's arrival a good time for my uncle to say it was time to go. I never argued. It got harder to leave and even harder to stay towards the end...She'd cry a lot.
My uncle and I would walk back down the hall silently, trying not to see. He'd immediately light up when we got back to the truck. Sometimes I'd indulge-if I didn't want to feel.
The conversation in the car on the way home was often about what we were 'going to do'. We never knew and eventually the conversation die. A lot can be said in a silent car ride.
He'd drop me off and I'd go into my dark apartment and feel sad. The days would turn and I'd pretend to care that I wasn't working for a week. Sunday would come around again and I'd be back in the truck with my uncle, on my way to mom.
This year while preparing a roast chicken for Thanksgiving I thought of grandma. I sprinkled on the spices and shoved butter under it's skin and as I lifted it to move it to the roasting pan, I did a little spin. "Thanks little chicken for being here for me to eat." And then I laughed.
Tradition.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2013 in a Jar
New Year's Day 2013 I bought a red glass jar. Throughout the year, I would put notes to myself inside. Today on the first day of 2014 I turned the jar over and memories written post-its fell in my lap. Below is a peek into last year-no editing.
January
1-1
You shared a smile with a stranger. You gave a homeless man $2 because his dog looked cold. You realized you idealize people.
1-3
I decided today to make this my year. #1-get my license, #2-get a car, #3-it's all about ME! :)
1-6
Since becoming involved in online dating, I've learned how to say 'no' and 'I'm not interested'. I know I don't have to always be nice. Liberating!
1-10
I have a great best friend that brings me juice when I feel sick. I love you Anne!
1-14
I was complimented, told I was a 'lovely girl' and I didn't analyze the shit out of it. I just accepted it.
1-27
Even though I've been battling some sort of stomach thing, I woke up today feeling really good-positive and ready to take on the day. But first-a few chapters in my favorite chair while the world is still quiet.
February
2-1
I have a phone date tonight with a guy from the internet. His name is Mike, he bowls in a league and he has blond eyebrows. We'll see.
2-9
It's not often that you click so quickly with someone, but I have with James. I have hope that this time it works. But I'm also realistic. He has kind eyes.
2-15
Ran into a customer after a show and she said I'd saved her dog. Things like that always make my day. And the show (Gabriel Iglesias) was AMAZING!
2-16
He (James) wrote me a poem. He told me I was his Valentine and that he couldn't wait to see me again. I'm trying so hard to just let it be as good as it seems it is.
2-18
He told me he put on Star Wars because he knew I liked it and he missed me. James Scott is stealing my heart.
2-24
James Philip Scott
2-26
We're falling in love.
March
3-4
I'm so glad it feels like nothing I've felt before. I feel hope. Promise. Fear, but not doubt. No doubt.
3-5
I rode the bus from his apartment in the city home and it helped me feel so adult. 35 and grown up. He helps me be the person I always wanted to be.
3-9
We made love. I felt the connection I had always hoped for. Not quite ready for the L word, but I know I'll use it.
3-23
A new work opportunity on the horizon. I get to teach!
3-25
He spent time with me. A week of shared dinners and coffee in the morning and bed. He reached for me in his sleep and kissed me goodbye.
3-29
I get to teach classes! First class is April 27th all about dog!
3-30
He said he was ready for me to meet his son. That he thought we could be friends. Felt AMAZING
April
4-2
I haven't looked into his eyes and said it yet. Not with words. I love him
4-3
"He's going to marry me." "I know." Of course she knows. She's my best friend and 'he' is wonderful.
4-8
I love him. I don't care that he's grumpy most times or that he over analyzes everything. I love how he runs through the house on his tiptoes and snuggles my hand under his chin to fall asleep.
4-17
I realized today that I loved him completely. I don't care about all the bullshit-I love him and I'll be here for him. Always.
4-21
I paid my rent and all my bills early.
4-22
He told me he loved me after I kissed him goodbye for work. It surprised both of us and then, it just felt right.
4-25
I haven't felt sad in a really long time.
4-27
I taught my first class today. Just practice but it was so fun! And I did a great job!
4-28
"Your heart is so big."
4-30
"You look at least 24!" (I'm 35) AWESOME
4-30
From James: "I've been thinking about you all day."
May
5-1
I had a customer tell me I had a beautiful heart and that my beauty shone through my smile
5-15
I started telling myself today that I need to love me first. "I love myself." -hard to say
5-16
I don't have to like everybody
5-21
I successfully communicated with my boyfriend today
5-25
I helped someone learn today!
5-31
He called to say he missed me
June
6-5
He made me a box
6-23
He calls me sunflower sweetheart love baby
July
7-8
He loves me. He figured out how he was pushing me away and made changes to keep me.
7-20
I am not responsible for other people's happiness-only my own
7-21
He held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said with so much passion..."I'm so in love with you." My breath left.
7-31
It's all right to cry. Crying gets the sadness out
August
8-1
I am empathetic but I'm NOT pathetic. There is nothing wrong with having a big heart
8-4
I don't always have to do what everyone wants me to.
8-21
I am not afraid to take the bus by myself anymore. I can go anywhere.
8-27
I taught a class today and I felt like I really learned something from them. Great cat class!
September
9-15
Even when we don't get to see each other-I know he loves me still. Wonderful.
9-18
My apartment is clean and I got rid of lots of clutter. I like being here. This is my home.
October
10-4
I like my job. Even when it's hard, even when I get criticism. I just need time to absorb it
10-6
He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me. Maybe someday we'll wake up together every day.
10-7
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing, but at least I know who I am.
10-10
I have a cat that likes to snuggle
10-13
I work hard and it shows
10-19
My staff respects me. I have wonderful friends. 17 years ago today I helped my unofficial godson join this world. Amazing.
November
December
12-8
I know I'm loved
12-9
I don't know if he loves me the same way I love him
12-29
We're over. It's for the best but it hurts
Undated
I'm reading again. I never really stopped but I'm falling in love with books all over again.
I am loved
My boyfriend likes my body, misses me when we're apart and holds my hand.
Sun through blinds paints warm lines
I love waking to the sounds of summer rain
Funny confident I am strong true kind open beautiful
I have a pair of jeans where my butt looks great!
Dad is on Facebook
Tonight I will see the Super Moon!
I handled a difficult work situation like a fucking champ
RELAX
I love finding a new book!
Dad casually mentioned the name of a girl and I didn't freak out.
IT'S OK
You have a great store, good employees and you smile more than cry.
Everything is something
.....Bring it on 2014.
January
1-1
You shared a smile with a stranger. You gave a homeless man $2 because his dog looked cold. You realized you idealize people.
1-3
I decided today to make this my year. #1-get my license, #2-get a car, #3-it's all about ME! :)
1-6
Since becoming involved in online dating, I've learned how to say 'no' and 'I'm not interested'. I know I don't have to always be nice. Liberating!
1-10
I have a great best friend that brings me juice when I feel sick. I love you Anne!
1-14
I was complimented, told I was a 'lovely girl' and I didn't analyze the shit out of it. I just accepted it.
1-27
Even though I've been battling some sort of stomach thing, I woke up today feeling really good-positive and ready to take on the day. But first-a few chapters in my favorite chair while the world is still quiet.
February
2-1
I have a phone date tonight with a guy from the internet. His name is Mike, he bowls in a league and he has blond eyebrows. We'll see.
2-9
It's not often that you click so quickly with someone, but I have with James. I have hope that this time it works. But I'm also realistic. He has kind eyes.
2-15
Ran into a customer after a show and she said I'd saved her dog. Things like that always make my day. And the show (Gabriel Iglesias) was AMAZING!
2-16
He (James) wrote me a poem. He told me I was his Valentine and that he couldn't wait to see me again. I'm trying so hard to just let it be as good as it seems it is.
2-18
He told me he put on Star Wars because he knew I liked it and he missed me. James Scott is stealing my heart.
2-24
James Philip Scott
2-26
We're falling in love.
March
3-4
I'm so glad it feels like nothing I've felt before. I feel hope. Promise. Fear, but not doubt. No doubt.
3-5
I rode the bus from his apartment in the city home and it helped me feel so adult. 35 and grown up. He helps me be the person I always wanted to be.
3-9
We made love. I felt the connection I had always hoped for. Not quite ready for the L word, but I know I'll use it.
3-23
A new work opportunity on the horizon. I get to teach!
3-25
He spent time with me. A week of shared dinners and coffee in the morning and bed. He reached for me in his sleep and kissed me goodbye.
3-29
I get to teach classes! First class is April 27th all about dog!
3-30
He said he was ready for me to meet his son. That he thought we could be friends. Felt AMAZING
April
4-2
I haven't looked into his eyes and said it yet. Not with words. I love him
4-3
"He's going to marry me." "I know." Of course she knows. She's my best friend and 'he' is wonderful.
4-8
I love him. I don't care that he's grumpy most times or that he over analyzes everything. I love how he runs through the house on his tiptoes and snuggles my hand under his chin to fall asleep.
4-17
I realized today that I loved him completely. I don't care about all the bullshit-I love him and I'll be here for him. Always.
4-21
I paid my rent and all my bills early.
4-22
He told me he loved me after I kissed him goodbye for work. It surprised both of us and then, it just felt right.
4-25
I haven't felt sad in a really long time.
4-27
I taught my first class today. Just practice but it was so fun! And I did a great job!
4-28
"Your heart is so big."
4-30
"You look at least 24!" (I'm 35) AWESOME
4-30
From James: "I've been thinking about you all day."
May
5-1
I had a customer tell me I had a beautiful heart and that my beauty shone through my smile
5-15
I started telling myself today that I need to love me first. "I love myself." -hard to say
5-16
I don't have to like everybody
5-21
I successfully communicated with my boyfriend today
5-25
I helped someone learn today!
5-31
He called to say he missed me
June
6-5
He made me a box
6-23
He calls me sunflower sweetheart love baby
July
7-8
He loves me. He figured out how he was pushing me away and made changes to keep me.
7-20
I am not responsible for other people's happiness-only my own
7-21
He held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said with so much passion..."I'm so in love with you." My breath left.
7-31
It's all right to cry. Crying gets the sadness out
August
8-1
I am empathetic but I'm NOT pathetic. There is nothing wrong with having a big heart
8-4
I don't always have to do what everyone wants me to.
8-21
I am not afraid to take the bus by myself anymore. I can go anywhere.
8-27
I taught a class today and I felt like I really learned something from them. Great cat class!
September
9-15
Even when we don't get to see each other-I know he loves me still. Wonderful.
9-18
My apartment is clean and I got rid of lots of clutter. I like being here. This is my home.
October
10-4
I like my job. Even when it's hard, even when I get criticism. I just need time to absorb it
10-6
He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me. Maybe someday we'll wake up together every day.
10-7
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing, but at least I know who I am.
10-10
I have a cat that likes to snuggle
10-13
I work hard and it shows
10-19
My staff respects me. I have wonderful friends. 17 years ago today I helped my unofficial godson join this world. Amazing.
November
December
12-8
I know I'm loved
12-9
I don't know if he loves me the same way I love him
12-29
We're over. It's for the best but it hurts
Undated
I'm reading again. I never really stopped but I'm falling in love with books all over again.
I am loved
My boyfriend likes my body, misses me when we're apart and holds my hand.
Sun through blinds paints warm lines
I love waking to the sounds of summer rain
Funny confident I am strong true kind open beautiful
I have a pair of jeans where my butt looks great!
Dad is on Facebook
Tonight I will see the Super Moon!
I handled a difficult work situation like a fucking champ
RELAX
I love finding a new book!
Dad casually mentioned the name of a girl and I didn't freak out.
IT'S OK
You have a great store, good employees and you smile more than cry.
Everything is something
.....Bring it on 2014.
Ticka Ticka
New Year's Eve 2013 about 11:30pm
I was on the couch, stoned from an end of the year bowl when I realized this was going to be the moment I started my novel. I went to the computer and immediately became distracted with Pandora, Facebook and something shining on my desk. I made my way to this blog site and opened a blank blog page. My fingers rested on the keys for a moment and then, without looking at the screen or my fingers, I started humming and ticka ticka-ing on the letters.
Mom used to say she could always tell when I was writing while talking to her on the phone. She'd pause in her conversation and say with amusement in her voice, "Ticka ticka". She'd ask me sometimes what I was writing. Sometimes I told her without prompting. I'd describe the latest plot in a story I'd ripped off from a movie I'd seen within the last six months.
In fairness, I didn't realize I was doing that until just recently. I was watching a documentary on National Lampoon's Vacation and developing a nerd crush on Harold Ramis when it hit me that a lot of my stories were similar to the movies I'd seen. I remember distinctly writing about a family, a brother and sister, on a vacation and having a shitty time... extraordinarily reminiscent of Vacation.
I went through a poetry phase too. Mom paid for my poems to be published in one of those 'send us your poem and we'll send you a book for $44.95 with your poem on the pages' books. Published! Your words IN PRINT! God that was amazing for me. I was so proud of myself. I had no idea that anyone could send anything in and they'd publish it.
I wanted to be discovered. I wanted someone to read my stories or poems or journal and think, 'Wow, I GET her. I bet others would relate and pay good money to read this!'
I think that's when I started writing blogs. I joined a writing group for awhile too-back when MySpace was Facebook. I met a lot of good people through that group. I was introduced to a lot of different kind of styles of writing too. Helped me get to where I am now.
I remember thinking about all the different things I could write about in order to be a 'real writer'. I felt discouraged because I could never think of a whole story. I could do dialogue and I love me a thesaurus but my stories were lame. Or I'd write 15 pages and then lose interest in the characters. I thought about writing about mom, about dad, about my childhood, my teen years, my 20s, my depression, my weight, my struggles and triumphs. And then I thought about...not thinking.
I told myself to just write. To get up and sit in front of the computer and if I got distracted, accept that was ok. Just write SOMETHING.
I don't know if this is a resolution. I'm going to call it a promise to myself. I haven't always been very nice to myself and I think it might be time to give it an honest try. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life to help me remember that I am more than my emotions. I want to like who I am ALL the time.
I have no idea what's going to happen to this project, but I'm going to try. I want to do this for me. (I've since realized that eating pizza and ice cream every Friday night as a 'reward' is not really the kindest thing I could do to myself)
I'm probably going to ramble a lot. I might be stoned when I'm writing, I might be crying. But goddammit, it's going to be real. That means I'm going to swear, I'm going to talk about things that are really fucking uncomfortable for me. I'm worth it.
Ok. Here we go.
I was on the couch, stoned from an end of the year bowl when I realized this was going to be the moment I started my novel. I went to the computer and immediately became distracted with Pandora, Facebook and something shining on my desk. I made my way to this blog site and opened a blank blog page. My fingers rested on the keys for a moment and then, without looking at the screen or my fingers, I started humming and ticka ticka-ing on the letters.
Mom used to say she could always tell when I was writing while talking to her on the phone. She'd pause in her conversation and say with amusement in her voice, "Ticka ticka". She'd ask me sometimes what I was writing. Sometimes I told her without prompting. I'd describe the latest plot in a story I'd ripped off from a movie I'd seen within the last six months.
In fairness, I didn't realize I was doing that until just recently. I was watching a documentary on National Lampoon's Vacation and developing a nerd crush on Harold Ramis when it hit me that a lot of my stories were similar to the movies I'd seen. I remember distinctly writing about a family, a brother and sister, on a vacation and having a shitty time... extraordinarily reminiscent of Vacation.
I went through a poetry phase too. Mom paid for my poems to be published in one of those 'send us your poem and we'll send you a book for $44.95 with your poem on the pages' books. Published! Your words IN PRINT! God that was amazing for me. I was so proud of myself. I had no idea that anyone could send anything in and they'd publish it.
I wanted to be discovered. I wanted someone to read my stories or poems or journal and think, 'Wow, I GET her. I bet others would relate and pay good money to read this!'
I think that's when I started writing blogs. I joined a writing group for awhile too-back when MySpace was Facebook. I met a lot of good people through that group. I was introduced to a lot of different kind of styles of writing too. Helped me get to where I am now.
I remember thinking about all the different things I could write about in order to be a 'real writer'. I felt discouraged because I could never think of a whole story. I could do dialogue and I love me a thesaurus but my stories were lame. Or I'd write 15 pages and then lose interest in the characters. I thought about writing about mom, about dad, about my childhood, my teen years, my 20s, my depression, my weight, my struggles and triumphs. And then I thought about...not thinking.
I told myself to just write. To get up and sit in front of the computer and if I got distracted, accept that was ok. Just write SOMETHING.
I don't know if this is a resolution. I'm going to call it a promise to myself. I haven't always been very nice to myself and I think it might be time to give it an honest try. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life to help me remember that I am more than my emotions. I want to like who I am ALL the time.
I have no idea what's going to happen to this project, but I'm going to try. I want to do this for me. (I've since realized that eating pizza and ice cream every Friday night as a 'reward' is not really the kindest thing I could do to myself)
I'm probably going to ramble a lot. I might be stoned when I'm writing, I might be crying. But goddammit, it's going to be real. That means I'm going to swear, I'm going to talk about things that are really fucking uncomfortable for me. I'm worth it.
Ok. Here we go.
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