Errands

The day started out pretty good. I got up, dressed, had breakfast, brushed my teeth and hair. These are big steps sometimes. I had an errand, an oil change. Woo. But it was something out of the house and I was looking forward to driving around a bit. The oil change guy was nice, funny. And an older man that was also waiting was kind and picked up my phone when I dropped it. The book I started was good-grabbed me right away and I love that. I was looking forward to going to Target, because who doesn't? The oil change took less time than I thought it would.The day seemed off to a good start.

I felt optimistic about being out in the world today, around other humans. I haven't had a lot of days like that recently. I stick close to home and if I do go out, it's with people I trust and know well. Sometimes even surrounded by those people it isn't  enough to push away the feeling that everyone is staring at me. I'm paranoid about people looking at me, judging me about my appearance because it's happened before.

I was in elementary school when the name calling started.
I had a circle of friends one summer. They told me things like, 'You'd be pretty if you'd just lose weight', or 'I've never had a fat friend before.' I didn't know that wasn't a nice thing to say.
I was in middle school when a car drove past me while I was walking and hollered out the window that I needed to look into Jenny Craig.
I was in high school when I stopped eating because I was invisible and thought 'if only I was thinner...'
I was in my twenties when a guy I thought I loved told me he could never have an intimate relationship with me because I was 'too big'.

I know I've been judged for my appearance. 

But it's been awhile. I'm lucky to have people in my life that tell me over and over that they love me just as I am. I've even started to trust they aren't lying to me. I started a slow journey within to accept who I am just as I am. I've learned tools in therapy to help me stay on that journey. I read books and join support groups to learn how to accept myself. I'm not there yet but lately it's felt like I'm closer. 

It's been a long time since anyone has said something ugly to me. I was almost convinced that people like those from my past weren't in my life because I chose it that way. And then I went out to run errands.

I was looking for a parking space when a guy was pulling out of one. I saw his reverse lights and he didn't see me. The kind of thing that happens a million times. I waited patiently for him to leave the spot and as he passed me he yelled "FAT BITCH" out the window.

Why?

That was my first thought. Did I not give him enough room to get out of the parking space? What had I done?

I found a spot and pulled in, turned off the engine. I sat there feeling the words. All of them. From elementary school up to now. I felt the guy was right. And I cried. Hard. In the shade of a parking lot tree I cried until I couldn't anymore.

All the good feelings from earlier were gone after that and I remembered I still had to go into the store. I needed things.  But now I'd be making myself vulnerable to more judgement. More comments, sneers, looks of disgust. People moving their carts so I can get through. People glancing into my cart when I pass the candy aisle to see how much I got, even when I was just passing through it.  But, we needed things so I went in.

I walked by the women's clothing and heard "FAT BITCH" echo through my mind. I felt my anxiety rise, tears start to build and I knew I had to stop. Breathe. Take a pill to avoid a breakdown in the middle of a store.
I could have left but there was still a small sliver of 'I won't let this get me' left.

I texted 2 friends I trust and told them what happened. They responded just the way I needed them to but it didn't quiet that guy's voice. I wandered the store, getting only the things I needed, avoiding any aisle that might have 'bad' food.

I paid for my things and left. I drove home the long way and then double backed and did it again.
When I got in I fed the cats, put away the stuff from Target. Except that voice. I wish so much that I could let it go, not let it bother me, accept that the guy was just an ass...but my brain rarely lets me do that. I'm trying.

At least I finished my errand. That's a big step sometimes.

Issues

It's very hard to embrace this pro-body era when I've never liked mine. I see posts online of women that call themselves 'fat' and don't understand why they're proud of it. I can barely write the word 'fat' without feeling a twinge of pain from past taunts. It is not easy being a bigger person. Larger. Heavier than the 'accepted' population.  Jesus, maybe 'fat' is the right word because the others just seem like words trying to be kind when they still sting just as much.

Going to restaurants is hard. If it's a smaller place with no booths to hide in, or small chic chairs surround a table that I could fill on my own... I feel discomfort. And humiliation.

I feel it when I have to move the table in a booth especially. Even worse if the table can't move. I try to pretend it doesn't matter and ignore that my belly spills over onto the table. I can feel it when I see the server wince when I  decide to splurge and order a meal and dessert or an appetizer or both. 

 I feel it when I clean my plate.

I can feel it when someone scoots their chair in for me to get by or when I squeeze past someone in a theater's row, hoping no part of my body touches them.

I feel it when I catch my reflection in a building's glassy front.

I feel it when I'm rocking out alone in my car and I remember people can see me.

I feel it when I am shopping for clothes and find myself in the 'regular' size section. I feel like I'm trespassing in a foreign land. I feel it confirmed from the glance of another woman shopping.

I feel it in the look of disgust from the person in line before me at the grocery store. 

Really, any public place has opportunity for humiliation and too often I am hesitant to even risk the pain it can bring so I stay inside. But inside isn't safe either. Humiliation mixes with guilt and the past.

I feel it when someone mentions 'Miss Piggy'. A childhood comment from a bully lingers in the name of  a Muppet.

If someone says 'Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Keto diet...' I'm reminded of all the times I failed.

I feel humiliation and guilt when I remember the time I ate an entire box of cookies and then hid the box, shoving it far down into the garbage so no one would know.

I feel humiliation with every creak and groan from the springs in the couch. I feel it when I purposefully avoid chairs that might break underneath me.

I live this way. I feel these feelings every time I leave the house. I feel these feelings when I'm around my friends, my husband, doctors, strangers. I feel these feelings when I cancel plans.

These feelings of humiliation, guilt, self hatred are painful. They remind me of the past, mix with the present and make the future seem bleak. I avoid going out into the world to avoid these feelings.

Someone might see me then, see how I see myself.