Fog

I wrote it and reread it and changed it a little and then reread it again and then rewrote it a bit more...But now it's sent and there's no turning back and fuck I hope this doesn't continue.

My anxiety has been bordering on full intensity the last few days but I've been working hard to try and keep it at bay. I went for a walk, I talk to my fella about what I'm going through and I ask for advice from different people to gain lots of perspective. I'm trying to work through this.

I thought it might be getting better and then something hit me fast and I felt it sink into me like lead in a lake. I fought against it, but it's still hanging in there a bit, like the lingering ring of a phone in an empty house.

I'm sleeping more.

I went to bed early last night and slept late today. I woke with a heaviness in my head-like my mind was wrapped in gauze. I can't tell if it's mental or physical fog.

I'm eating whatever I want.

I ate sunflower seeds for lunch yesterday, Almond Roca for dinner. I drink coffee and crave that jolt of caffeine to come, just so I feel more up. It didn't come this morning.

Being outside yesterday, the air felt good. I got back in the car after my walk and felt aches I'd been denying flare to the surface, making me regret my attempt at exercise. The two things aren't related, but I made them that way in my head.

Before I left home, a coworker told me, "You'll probably go through a depression."   I'm not even sure he knows what that word means, because for someone that has it, it doesn't just mean 'sad'. And I don't know if that's what this is. I just don't feel...right, right now.

I might be ok this afternoon. I might need a day or so. Maybe I'll feel better when I go home and see Dad for my birthday. Maybe I'll be reminded why I'm happy to be here. I need to ride this through.

I hope they don't respond to my letter. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want things to be challenging and for life to be hard right now. I just want to enjoy new things and let myself be for a little while. I want to go have lunch with my friends, make new friends, explore and learn new things...

I want the fog to lift.