Inner Fight

Everyone around me seems so calm. They talk about how I'll have a garden and be able to relax and how nice it will be to be out of where I am.

And all I think about is what am I going to do for money? How will I contribute to the home when I won't have income right away? How will I learn to be ok with letting my boyfriend take care of me?Even if it is only temporary? What am I going to do if I can't find anything? What if resentment builds and our relationship suffers? What if the fucking cat pees on something he loves? What if the store suffers because I'm gone? Why do I even care?

I want to distance myself and I'm struggling to do so. I'm clinging to what's comfortable, despite how wonderful I know change can be. Fear.

Literally two days ago I couldn't be more happy with how things were going. Today, in about 30 minutes-everything changed. The dip in the roller coaster was fast and unexpected. I should have known.

 Always fighting the ride.

I found some dark poetry in an old journal while I was packing. I feel a little sad today but I'm never going to be the girl that wrote those pages again. I think I thought the poem was good because it rhymed. It wasn't.


I know logically that yes, everything will be fine. I even know that if it doesn't go fine, it will still be ok. But not right now. I'm working on it though.