Fat

I'm fat. If I was fat and happy then fuck it right? At least I'm happy.  Except I'm kind of not happy right now and I feel the need to whine about it on my blog.

I got my haircut today. I got bangs again and my layers cleaned up. The girl was nice and overall it was a nice experience. Usually I feel pretty after I get my haircut. Except today. Today the giant mirror before the salon chair showed me how fat I was. I'm so big now that my head is starting to look small.

I always thought I carried myself well and that I 'wasn't that bad' but goddammit...I am. I'm not overweight or 'a big girl'. Those are words and phrases I've told myself to avoid using that crushing three letter word.

Fat.
I'm not happy about it.

This is where I promise myself to start eating better and to get back on the treadmill and to not binge, impulse buy sweets, or live off of carbs for the weekend...And this is when I start to feel like shit that I've done all those things and that it's my own fucking fault I'm this way.

I don't like these feelings, but they are very real. Sometimes I try to laugh about it. I'll make a little jab at myself. I try to say it before someone else does. If the thought went through my mind, surely someone else is thinking it. Beat 'em to the punch.

I'm not always wrong you know. There are people that don't like fat people. There are people that find them disgusting and lazy and stupid. I know this because that's just life. I'm not all butt hurt about those people, it's just a fact that bigotry and ignorance exists.  

I once went to a seminar with a friend. The speaker spent some time showing us ways to help purge ourselves of negative thought. I found the concept interesting and was looking forward to seeing how the evening played out. At one point, the speaker suggested crossing your legs to provide a more comfortable sitting style. She looked at me and began, "Lindsay, if you can't cross your-"
She cut herself off, "Oh, you got it! Good for you!"

Yes. I can cross my legs. Good for me.

Another woman approached me later and introduced herself. She told me she was so glad to meet me because she'd always been nervous to meet someone like me before. When I asked her what she meant she said, "Oh you know, someone of your size." She said that she didn't think we'd have anything in common but after meeting me, she knew I was just a person.

Just a person. Jesus what else would I be?

I know these people weren't trying to be hurtful. They had no way to know that I would always remember what they said.

Once, when I was walking home, a guy driving by slowed down and leaned out his window, "You should look into Jenny Craig girl!"

Thank you random stranger.

I spent several weeks talking to a guy once on AOL (yes, that long ago) and when I sent him my picture he told me he didn't date fat girls. When AOL was new, I wasn't even fat. I just thought I was.

But I know I am now and as much as I tell myself how awesome I am no matter what size, today it fucking sucks to be an overweight big girl that carries it well.

Today I feel fat.