K

About a week or so ago we noticed she had alcohol on her breath. She seemed a little inappropriate-flirting with the staff- when she'd always been professional before. We didn't think too much of it though-to each their own and no harm done.

Recently she visited the store, asked to use the bathroom. I let her in to have some privacy and when she came back out she had tears in her eyes and she was shaking.

She's a customer. I know her dog's name and what kind of food he likes. She's the kind of customer that comes in smiling and brings us treats because we give her dog treats. She's funny and kind and it saddens me to see she's clearly suffering.

I ask her if she needs a hug and she falls into me. She's shorter than me and gets on her tiptoes so she can lay her head on my shoulder and cry into my neck. She's shaking with sobs, saying she's sorry as she lets go of whatever is hurting her. I hold her, concerned. She's like a child.

When she steps back she wipes her eyes and tells me.

"Just before new year's I was leaving my apartment and there were some guys outside in the parking lot, hanging out. They came at me, punched me in the face and knocked me out. When I came to they were gone and I didn't know if they-if-"

She trails off, shaking her head and it's then I notice the bruises and small cuts on her forehead and nose.

"I went to Harborview and they did an exam. They told me it appeared unlikely but-I just-I didn't know-"

She dissolves into tears again and I pull her to me once more. I can feel her fear and it mingles with my own. The terror she must have felt. The not knowing. I stroke her hair, ask her if she has someone to stay with her. She assures me she does and then she tells me she just wants to go home and sleep.

After she left I stood there a moment, trying to absorb what she'd told me. I'm glad I was there for her.  I've never had someone hug me like that-when they so clearly needed to be held. It was powerful.

A few days ago I found out she checked herself back into rehab. She'd fallen a bit in the aftermath of her ordeal and was able to recognize she needed help to mend.

Her story haunts me for so many reasons but it's her strength that I think of when I think of her. She may have stumbled in her recovery but she picked herself back up and she will survive this.  

And Then Some

I had big plans to start eating better two days ago and instead I made a fantastically huge breakfast. I sat on my couch in my robe with my boyfriend and watched cartoons and ate bacon and eggs and potatoes and bratwurst and kraut and coffee and it was ridiculously tasty.

After breakfast we took a nap.

Not very new year's resolution-y.

It was amazing.

After the nap, we went grocery shopping and bought food to make an equally stellar dinner. While we were in the store and I was perusing shelves, he called his parents to wish them a happy new year. I liked him just a little bit more then.

He's so thoughtful. And considerate. And funny. And responsible but still spontaneous. He's adorable. And honest. And kind. And gentle but still strong. He's everything I knew I wanted but didn't think I'd find.

We had ice cream after breakfast. With nutmeat. Sounds like an inside joke and it is. It's also little bits of pistachio.


Went to the Nutcracker with the girls this year and it was lovely as it always is. We posed in front of the same place everyone else did while a stranger took our picture. Moments later and I see us in a text message. I see me. Yup. Still fat. But this time I don't feel a pang of sadness with the realization.

I mean, I guess I do a little, but it doesn't make me want to create a self-hate crime. Instead I feel hope override the disappointment. For the first time in maybe ever, I believe I can change. I have told myself more times than I can count that this would be the year I finally lose weight and get my license and fall in love and get a raise and move into a house and travel and do all the other things I tell myself I'm going to do.

This time I feel like I can do all those things and then some. I need to be healthier. I need to make some changes. I want to do the then some.

I like the picture from the Nutcracker. It shows me with my friends. I'm smiling and standing with my arms around them, and they're smiling too. We're celebrating who we are with each other and it's beautiful.

I am beautiful.