The Worry

"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."

I wish it was as easy as just believing that. I've been worried about just about everything for as long as I can remember. Over the years I've learned to trust certain people and situations more but occasionally The Worry pops up and screams at me about every tiny thing imaginable.

"Don't stress out so much."

Yes alright. If only I could. It's not easy for me to control. The Worry is invasive and creeps in like ivy. Unnoticeable at first and then suddenly it's everywhere and you're scrambling for a hedge trimmer before it takes over. Sometimes it feels easier just to let it grow.

I have some pretty big life changes happening. I'm leaving the city I grew up in, my job, my friends, my home...I'm moving in with someone that I absolutely trust and love and am excited to move in with but it won't be just me and the cats anymore.

I have made half a dozen lists of things I need to do. I've told so many people I can't remember who knows and who doesn't. I've tried counting down the days and not counting down. I've tried meditating too, just to give my mind some peace.

I've gotten a cold, I don't sleep very well and I'm justifying cheesy poofs and m&ms for dinner way too easily. I can tell The Worry is winning right now and it pisses me off because I just don't know how to fight it anymore.

I try looking ahead-at the day when all my books are unpacked and the house smells like us and I'm drinking my morning coffee on my back porch because holy shit I'll have a back porch, and that helps a little. But as soon as I let myself enjoy that moment, The Worry pops up with reminders of unemployment and lack of a car and no friends nearby to share that moment with.

"Everything will be fine. You deserve this!"

Why?  I mean, thank you...but why? I'm no better than anyone else.  Having a home? Isn't this is the way a lot of people just... live?

 I have had amazing support throughout this and I've truly been overwhelmed sometimes. It's a great and exciting thing and the kindness I've received is beautiful and so appreciated but sometimes The Worry fucks with that too and makes me wonder why it's happening. How did this happen? Is it going to fall apart? What will I do if it does?

"Trust me."

The Worry likes to invite What If to the mind fuck sometimes and when the two of them get together it's a storm inside my head. I lay awake and stare at my phone or the ceiling, reeling with all the things to do I should have already done. The doubt and anxiety tumble into one another, crashing like waves and I feel like I'm drowning.  I struggle to breathe...in through my nose, out through my mouth. I place my hand on my stomach, focus on the light weight of it as my chest rises and falls. I begin to see the surface and remember...

"You've always had The Worry. Everything's ok now. Just enjoy it."