Just Coffee

It was just coffee.  Some might even argue it wasn't coffee because it was decaf. I had to switch when my anxiety levels peaked. At least it tastes the same.

She and I had dinner right after it happened and I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect and that fear of the unknown has always paralyzed me. I went anyway and it was fine. Nice in fact. We talked to each other as though we were finally friends. We parted ways with plans to meet again soon but soon turned out to be 3 months.

She asked how I was, I asked how she was, we hugged. There were a couple of pauses that felt weird and I wasn't sure what to think of them so I tried not to think about them at all. I rambled on about the wedding instead. About the dress and the people coming and all the little things I still had left to do. I tried not to see that her face changed when I showed her the picture of the dress and then with me in it. I told myself it didn't mean anything but there was a small hesitation before the compliment and it felt like hours. A million thoughts of 'I knew I didn't look good' flew around crashing into the earlier lovely thoughts of 'I look pretty good in this'. One of those pauses happened then as I sipped my drink. She looked at her phone to check the time.

She asked how my health was and I knew she had genuine concern but I couldn't explain so I turned the conversation to her. I'm really good at that. And she told me about her mother.

Her mother is in a home that caters to elderly folks suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia. I didn't realize the difference could be so slight but I could tell she'd asked that question long ago by the way she described it to me. I swallowed my own fears of Alzheimer's-it's the one thing I'm most afraid of happening. I would be nothing without my memories of who I was.

She talked about how each time she visits, her mom tells her she wants to go home. That she doesn't want to make friends with the other people there-that they aren't her family. Her mom misses her house, doesn't understand that she's in a locked facility and that when her daughter visits it hurts to see her that way and it scares her and it drains her when she's done.

I listened. I knew what it was like. It had been the same with my mom. Telling her it was time to go was terrifically painful. She would cry, tell us how unhappy she was, how much she just wanted to go home. But we couldn't. She needed the care she was getting but it was never enough. It wasn't me and my dad.

I told my friend that I understood. That I was so sorry she was holding on to all of that along with everything else. I thought about how when it was my turn I was barely functioning. I only went once a week and each time I needed 3 days to recover after. I needed the time to wade through the guilt and the sadness. I needed to grieve but I usually numbed myself instead. I told her I was proud of her.

Our chat ended soon after that. Bringing the subject back around to anything else just seemed unimportant. She looked at her phone again and I gave her the out. We stood up, hugged, and told each other how nice it had been to spend time together instead of making plans to do it again.

That's ok. It was just coffee.

ABC

A: accept who I am
B: believe in who I am
C: control is not always possible
D: depression is a liar
E: expect anything
F: forgive
G: grow
H: heal
I: inspire others
J: joy is not impossible
K: Klonopin does not mean you're weak
L: love yourself
M: mend your mind with laughter
N: new discoveries can be scary but they're mostly good
O: only you can prevent forest fires (I don't know, O is weird)
P: pace yourself for healing
Q: quiet the inside voices with love
R: read
S: someone is always there
T: try
U: underneath the layers are more layers
V: very very frightening me ( V is weird too)
W: weird is ok
X: x-men are cool (I mean, can you think of a good X word?)
Y: you're beautiful
Z: zebras think so too

Tunnel Vision

I went back and read the top 5 viewed blogs I've written. I cried. There's a lot of emotion in those words. A few grammatical mistakes too but I write like I talk and I don't always use proper pronunciation. How boring would that be? 

I really wanted to write something happy today. Especially after reading those top 5. I guess even though I feel it, I didn't know I was full of so much...feeling and right now, happy isn't one of them. Happy hasn't really been something I've felt in a while. I've laughed and I've done things that have been fun but I haven't been full on, totally consuming happy in a long time. If you asked, I wouldn't be able to tell you when the last time was.

It's hard feeling this way. It's tiring. It's confusing. It's frustrating and maddening because I don't want to feel this way and I can't make it stop. The good days seem so few and far between, if ever.

I feel like I'm trapped in a tunnel where the world has stopped. The tunnel is dark and crowded with cars that hold the corpses of my past. I have come into the tunnel out of light and now am engulfed with the unknown. Am I alone in this tunnel? Is there something waiting in the shadows to pull me down even further? Why does the darkness feel so thick?

I know there's light at the end but it seems so very far away. Too many obstacles block my path to find the light. I may be able to move them just a bit, squeeze between two of those empty cars holding past hurt and when I do, two more blocking my path. I have to figure out how to move them, or work around them and each time I push or try to climb, I fall, exhausted from the effort. Sometimes I try again. Sometimes I sit on the ground and let the darkness talk to me.

It's hard, knowing there is a light. That I am simply going through the darkness and while it seems I'll never go forward, that I'm stuck in this terrible place, I know otherwise. I know that each time I can get between the cars, I'm making progress.

But this is a long tunnel. It's frightening and dark and full of hopelessness and I hate it. I wish I'd never traveled this way. I miss the light. I miss laughter and peace of mind and enjoying little things that I seem to overlook now.

I want out.



The top 5 that I read this morning:

Own It
Clouded
November 2016
Clunky Girl
Words