I get lost in my own thoughts often. I over think EVERYTHING. I instantly feel like a failure when things don't go quite right. I punish myself with eating food but tell myself it's for comfort. I feel disappointed most of the time and I don't really have any motivation. For anything.
I'm jumpy. The Fella yelled earlier and it sent terror through me. The source of his anger wasn't towards me but it was very real and I felt it. The fear stayed, even after he apologized. It brought back memories and pain and inevitable disappointment in myself.
Because it must be my fault. It always was before when voices got loud like that.
But it isn't. And it's not the same as then. I breathe and cry and tell myself over and over again. It's not my fault.
I'm sad. I don't want to do anything. I can't seem to ever feel rested. I second guess myself because my confidence fell away again.
Every time I start to feel good, to feel the way I should feel...something happens and it's gone like smoke in the air.
The cycle begins again. I beat myself up and struggle to find self worth. I care too much what others think. I avoid conflict and harsh words. I'm discouraged when it feels like 'thats just life' because then life isn't what I desperately wish it was. I wish it was kind and good and gentle but it's not. It's angry and harsh and exhausting so often...
The older I get the more I see how true that is. And it hurts my heart. This 'life'.
I can't find good parts as easily as I used to. I feel clouded, cold.