Bailey

I had never seen her before. She was probably in her late 40s, pretty in a mom way. I greeted her as I do everyone and I knew immediately she had a question.

"Do you have anything for my dog? I have to-he's being cremated tomorrow."

I breathed in tightly, looked in her eyes for tears forming.  I'd seen pet parents break down before-easily the hardest part of my job. But she was wearing her Everything is Fine face and so I adjusted my Retail Face and walked over to a brochure we had in the store for a crematorium. Crematorium brochures. Parents. Breaking Down.

She held the brochure in her hands and started telling me about the dog. A golden retriever that had grown up with her daughter. "She was only eight when we got him and they became such friends." She paused, turning the brochure over and over in her hands. Her voice was low, "This is the place we're taking him." 


I touched her arm gently. "I might have an idea for your daughter."

She looked up, her eyes lit with hope and I swallowed hard. I had to help her.  "When I was younger and my first dog died, my mom gave me a little pendant with a dog's head on it. It was such a little thing but it meant--"

"--the world to you," she finished my sentence and I nodded. "It really did."  

"Do have anything like that here?"  I shook my head and then suddenly we both new exactly what to do.

"A dog tag. With the inscription, "In Loving Memory of Bailey." She took my hand in hers, her face smiling with sadness behind it. "It's perfect."  

I started making her the tag-not a heart with sparkles because her daughter was 'so not a sparkle girl'-and she went to our card rack. "Any cards with goldens on-oh my gosh! This one-it looks just like my daughter. And the dog, it looks just like Bailey! Oh-oh it's perfect!"

I tried to share her enthusiasm but all I could do was think about what I was making. A tribute, a token of love. A few words on a chrome disc that a young woman would no doubt weep over. I started thinking of the sadness that would soon engulf this family of strangers and felt tears well up. Sadness. Family. Cremation. Daughter. Tribute.

I finished the transaction and then left the sales floor for a bit. I started talking to a coworker about what had happened and she relayed a similar story she'd experienced and then we were crying together. 

We hugged and put our Retail Faces back on-went to work.

Another coworker came in and he asked if I was ok. I began talking and then he was talking and the two of us are sharing mom stories and then we're crying together too. 

Not exactly what I planned on doing at work today. 

But as sadness often does, it faded. A few more hugs and I went back onto the floor. I tackled a piece of price tag madness and soon I found myself laughing. I started laughing so hard in fact that the tears  rolled down my face one more time. 

Not my Retail Face. 

Not my Everything is Fine Face. 

My Lindsay Face.
 

Never

Never can run
Fast enough
Away from
You
What you promised
but never did
Never can let
go of you
fast enough
to
What you did
but never promised

I Get So Emotional

What does it mean to be 'happy'?  I've asked people that before and the response is always different.

When someone asks me, I really think about it and give an honest answer.

There are a lot of things that make me happy-most of which are the little things that most people don't even notice. Being happy is an emotion that took me a long time to embrace.

Anger too. And I felt it today. I felt my blood proverbially boil.  I felt adrenaline start coursing through me and my thoughts became clouded and unfocused. I tried to get lost in a task and found that I couldn't concentrate-I was that pissed. It felt kinda good.


I told someone the other day that life wasn't fair. That you didn't always get what you wanted. He looked like I was speaking some sort of foreign language. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, reminded myself that experience, age, and some fucking common sense is something that I had and he didn't. I almost feel sorry for him now when I think of it-life is going to slap him in the face one day.

When I was on MySpace, they had these little options of 'current emotion' or 'currently feeling' or some such noise and I always picked what matched the closest to my current state.

If I had that option now, it couldn't be just one word because really my feelings are never just one at a time. I've got lots of stuff going on inside of me and that doesn't count what you might see from the heart on my sleeve.

Right now I feel sad a little cause I really wish I could call Mom and talk to her. Now more than ever as I explore my emotions, who I am, and start to really like who I find-I wish so much I could share that with her.

I felt pride because I know I made some really good decisions at work and not only did my boss see it, but I saw it. That was a new one for me too. Pride feels good.



My ex-boyfriend asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him no, that I was working on getting to know myself. "You've been doing that a long time," he said.

I answered him without hesitation. 

"I'm worth the wait."

Woe is Me

It occurs to me about halfway through a rant that I'm not happy right now.

I feel irritated and kind of sad and very just woe is me. Because I don't like the way it feels, I want to try and change it. Gotta find the root of the problem in order to do that....and my brain starts spinning.

I go through the checklist.

Work? No, work's pretty good right now. Changes are happening and it's challenging, but I'm learning and feeling pretty good about the progress so far.

Money? Sort of. Never have enough it seems, but who does?

Sex life? Oh wait, don't have one of those.

Family? Dad and I are good. Got to see my Unc lately-we even had dinner one night.

Weather? I used to love this time of year. The colors of the trees, the crisp fall air, the smell of wet leaves and fireplaces...Now, I'm just sort of....meh.

And then....

Today is the 12th of October. My Mom would have been 58 in 3 days. It will be 6 years next month that she died. I guess I'd never really put it together that when the weather starts to change, I remember.

The hospital visits. Dad's tears. The phone calls, lack of sleep, the worry, the hope, the waiting...The funeral. The blurred time after with family, friends, and then...alone.

Alone? Yes. Very much so. The apartment seems so big sometimes and I feel on the verge of tears too often.

I miss my mom and I'm lonely. Two things I don't have too much control over. I can surround myself with friends or type my woes to strangers but it's still inside me. I've had people ask me if it gets better over time when you lose someone. If the loss, the pain, the hurt, the wishing for just one more day lessens...and it doesn't. You just learn how to deal with it better. Struggling with that rationale right now. Don't really feel like I'm dealing with anything. Don't feel strong. Don't feel confident. Don't feel sure.

Although now I sort of feel like a deodorant commercial.

Sigh.

It won't always be like this, I know that. It seems to come on so suddenly and the feelings are so....consuming. And I end up being whiny and unreasonable and irrational and just a pain in the ass to be around. That's not me and I want to change it, but learning how is hard. Change is hard. Taking the steps to get to where you want to be, that's hard too. Fuck, LIFE is hard. And so many people, self included, don't know that until they're smack dab in the middle of it. No one said it was easy, but they sure as shit didn't say it might be tough too.

One of those things you just have to learn on your own I suppose.

What I Know Now

You know what? Fuck it. This is my blog right? That means I can say what I want and not worry about what other people might think. I mean it is titled, 'I'll Tell You How I Really Feel About That'.

This is what I'm feeling.

I'm pissed off and hurt and angry and jealous and confused and hurt again. I don't want to be any of those things but the rational part of my brain is totally drowning in emotions and for once, I'm just gonna let it.

I am not ok that Ex Boyfriend has moved on with a new girl. It's not because I'd hoped we could be together again. I knew a long time ago that he just wasn't the right man for me.

Then why am I not ok?

I don't know.

Because I wasn't expecting it I guess. 

I'm jealous a little because he's found someone.

I'm also mad. He's willing to try with someone new and my mind went inevitiably to 'what does she have that I don't'.

I feel so...insignificant.

Rationally I know that's not true, but the emotions are winning

Every time I see his name, I think 'He's probably out with her'.  

Ridiculous.

I would have preferred it came from him. And he probably would have told me eventually...

I have to admit, it stings that everyone knew.  I feel like I was the joke everyone got.

I have started writing him an email 3 times. I've gotten his name in the To box and one sentence written before I hit cancel. I don't have a reason to email him. What could I say except, "I know you have a girlfriend."  And when my rational side is winning I know it doesn't really matter.

He's a nice man, a good man, I've said so from the beginning. Just not for me.

Another one.
Not for me.
How many before I'm with the one that is for me?

Add lonely to pissed off and hurt and angry and jealous and confused and hurt again.
 

B-I-N-G-O

So I'm playing this virtual bingo game on facebook and I find myself remembering when I used to go to live bingo. You know, the one with people? I was getting into it. I could almost smell the stale cigarette smoke and hear the thunk of dobbers.

In the virtual game there is a little window on the side that acts as a chat room kind of thing. There are little buttons that you push so you don't have to take the time to actually type three letter encouragements like, 'WTG' and 'GL'.

Took me a few rounds before I realized that 'GL' meant 'good luck' instead of some weird element on the periodic table.

I was 3 cards deep and just staring a new game. I saw out of the corner of my eye that someone had actually tried communicating through this little window.

Janet B: i dont understand this game

Really?

It's Bingo. You click the number the computer tells you so eventually you can create some sort of blocky heart or capital Y before everyone else and 'win' money. Or in this particular case, pearls. It's not really difficult. I suppose one could get carpal tunnel syndrome from clicking on the numbers but it would have to be from some seriously excessive clicking.

I ignored Janet and got ready to begin my games. Once the numbers start going you can quickly lose track if you're playing too many cards. I'm currently able to keep up with 3 cards, but anymore and I have to scroll the screen and it's just too hard. I have my own problems Janet.

I was happily clicking my numbers when out of the corner of my eye I see Janet's plea.

Janet B: HELP

The capital letters insinuated she was in dire need of assistance. I immediately pictured Janet at her own computer, hunched over the keyboard, her brow knit in a confused furrow.  How do you click on B10? Why does the ball keep changing colors? Why does it say Bingo on the top of the screen? 

 Janet evidently hasn't had much experience with old people or summer camp. I hope this woman doesn't live alone. I bet she's the kind of person that believes her microwave is evil.

I went on to play my games, noticing no one in the chat room acknowledged poor Janet. I clicked away, amused.  I even won a couple of rounds and was given the title of High Priestess which I have to admit, sort of enjoyed.   Walked away with 679,000 virtual pearls and felt good about it. When the game was over and I'd gloated sufficiently-you know, to my cats-my mind went back to Janet.

I almost wish I knew her cause I wanna tell her what a dobber is.

Dad Thoughts

My dad is the kind of guy that tells people, "I don't care" when they ask him how he's doing. I've seen a man shake his hand right after dad has informed him he's a dildo. I've seen him dance like a leprechaun with his hat turned sideways and his dentures shifting.

I've seen him cry. 

I've seen him scream and stumble and threaten and laugh crazily.

When I see a sweatshirt on a customer at work, if it says anything about Alaska, I tell him proudly that my father is a commercial fisherman. I talk about how I'd finally been able to visit Alaska just recently and that it was like no other place I'd been. That trip created a relationship with my dad that I'd never had before. We had been on our way to creating one, but that trip united us.

I didn't always like him and I'm pretty sure he didn't always like me.

Mom used to get pissed at the two of us, accused us of ganging up on her and it's only now that I can understand what she meant. When dad and I are hanging out together, we'll play off of each other. Especially when there are other people around-we like to show off our Extreme Wittiness.

I have an example of course.

Dad and I were in Alaska with family. We were at my Uncle's house, catching up and drinking beers. Some of the small talk included our plane ride into Alaska and who had dropped us at the airport. I turned to dad and said, "Oh yeah! She seemed nice.... Ya pokin' her?"  With a little twinkle in his eye Dad didn't hesitate his response, "Well, maybe on special occasions."

My dad is probably the coolest guy on the planet. I hope I'm half as cool as him when I'm almost 70.

Probably will be.