I've been thinking about what I could do to repay the kindness that's been shown to me and mere words or actions could never truly express the appreciation I feel.
I didn't want to tell anyone. I wanted to crawl inside myself and ignore the world. I wanted to pretend nothing happened and that I was fine. But that only lasted as long as the shock. I'd have to tell people. I'd have to say it out loud. I'd have to own it.
I was terrified. I didn't want others to think badly of me. That's the truth of it. I care too much what others think and I was petrified that I'd be thought of negatively. I immediately went to a dark place, telling myself that I was a monster and unforgivable. I assumed others felt the same. How could they not?
But I had to own it. I had to tell people. I thought about it for a long time before I did. I considered how to say it, and when. And when I felt just enough clarity to form complete sentences, I said it out loud. And then waited.
No one called me a monster. No one said I was unforgivable, evil, terrible, cruel, irresponsible...No one said any of the things I'd already labeled myself with.
Instead they said 'I'm so sorry' and 'I'm thinking of you.' They sent reassuring words like, 'I'm here if you need anything.' and 'It wasn't your fault.' When one person and then another, shared they'd experienced something similar, my heart broke for them. I know the anguish they felt. I was embraced physically and spiritually through kindness over and over again. I wanted so much to push it all away sometimes but they refused. So many beautiful people in my life would not let me destroy myself.
I let them help me. I don't usually do that very easily. There's almost always been a voice inside me that screams 'you're not worth it!' or 'they're lying!' and brushing off a kind gesture or comment is easy when you don't believe it.
But this was different. Each time someone sent me a kind message, I read it, felt it, held it. And then I said thank you. I didn't analyze it or doubt it. I just accepted it and let it help me heal. I've been using it, going back to the messages and reading them when the pain begins to bubble up.
This is hard and it's going to take time. I know that as much as I know that I'm going to get through it. I won't fall away from believing I am supported and loved. I won't fall into a dark place when I am surrounded by such light. How could I?