Apology

I still feel guilty about the way things ended.

A text message. Jesus, both of us deserved better.

I guess it was over before then and I told myself that I tried but I could have tried harder.

I called you a couple times. One time you didn't answer, another I could tell you weren't really listening. I thought about writing you a letter but that felt shitty too.

I remember the exact moment I knew it was time.

I had just woken up and I reached for my phone to look for your daily good morning wish. It wasn't there. It hadn't been there in weeks and I hadn't told you I noticed. We'd seen each other, we'd had dinner together, we'd been intimate and still I said nothing about how it felt like you were pulling away.

I knew you were, you knew you were and we broke our promise to each other by not talking about it.

That morning I texted 11 words and hesitated, my finger above the send button. I closed my eyes, still holding the phone and breathed deeply. I took several breaths, tried to listen to my heart and my head at the same time. Everything went back and forth inside and then I heard, clear as day,"It's the right thing to do."

I pushed send.

I have to tell you I can't be with you anymore.

It was early in the morning and I hadn't been able to sleep. I knew you weren't going to get the message until later in the day but I still checked my phone obsessively.  I thought about how you would feel when you read the words-if you would already know. I wondered if you'd be angry or sad or surprised or if you even cared.

I had tried talking to you about my feelings, about where I was and what I needed. You weren't right for me and I'd known it for awhile but I didn't want to. I told you everything I could but I could have tried harder. I told you that I wasn't emotionally strong enough to see you, and that I needed more time to fully explain. To me it seemed so very obvious but it wasn't to you and I couldn't figure out how to tell you. I'm so sorry. I didn't want things to end, I didn't want us to end.

I had to break up with you so that I could be with me. I had to put myself, my feelings, my heart...first. And it was awful and it hurt so much and I know I should have tried to do things better but I didn't and it's over and I haven't talked to you in almost a month. I picked up the phone a million times and I thought about that letter again. I even thought about going to the park by your place and waiting for you to come home, just in case you wanted to talk to me.

But I didn't. I chose me instead. And I cried. And I poured myself into my work. And I rekindled old friendships. And I realized some things about myself. That sucked too at the same time that it didn't. And I cried. I ate bad food. I watched terrible television. I slept a lot. I talked about it. I wrote about it. And I cried.

No doubt these feelings will linger a bit more but perhaps for the first time ever, I recognize that they won't last forever. It's ok to have these feelings.

It was the right thing to do.