Not Yet

Getting over him wasn't supposed to be this hard. I was the one that initiated the end so it should be easier, right?

I don't know what kind of actions to take to help myself. I don't know how I can just allow time to do the work for me. I don't know how to not want to call and hear his voice.

I have to force myself to think of the bad things. I have to make myself remember that he's not good for me.

I've asked friends for advice, for distraction...I've numbed my brain on drugs and Dexter episodes. I've written here and privately to try and rid myself of the overwhelming feelings. I've talked to friends and my dad and myself about this to try and figure out the best plan for me.

I've accepted that time may be the only thing that really works and while I hate the phrase, I recognize that  'this too shall pass'.

And yet, here I am, crying again because all I want to do is hold him and feel him hold me.

I can't call him. He probably hates me. And it might be worse if he didn't.

He has issues. We all do. I had to decide if I could deal with his. I don't think I can. His anger. His miserable happy....But his eyes. His love for me. His heart that tries so hard. No one is perfect after all.


I told him that even if we weren't together, he was always in my heart.

Kinda surprised he's still there I guess.