Don't Look

This is hard.

I thought I was ok. I even started flirting with a guy, letting him flirt with me. And when he suggested we play around at being not just friends for a night, I thought that would be ok too. I thought because there was no way I wanted a relationship that it would be fine.

It wasn't. And not because I developed feelings for him. But because I haven't let go of the feelings I have for the ex yet.

I tried to do something, anything that would help me forget the good times. Didn't work. Fucking life lesson that I really wish I'd already learned.

There was a moment with this guy when he looked at me and it was not his eyes I saw, but the ex's. Suddenly I remembered every tender moment we'd had together and I wanted more than anything to taste his mouth on mine and not....this guy.

I know the ex isn't right for me but I miss him so much. I miss him in my bed, in my arms, in my heart.

I've never experienced anything like that feeling before.

I wish he hadn't looked at me. I would have been fine if he'd just not looked into my eyes.

I can't let go of  those moments with the ex that made my heart flutter. I keep remembering the way he looked at me, held me, touched me....I miss it. I have to keep repeating that I know it's for the best for me to not be with him but my heart...it's screaming otherwise.

What do I do? Listen to my heart or my mind that keeps reminding me that I deserve better? I go back and forth and back and forth with wondering if maybe..if just maybe we could...

But why? Ok. Deep breath. Listen up Self, you need a smack of reality.

He's an 'everything in the world sucks' kind of person  and you are a 'there are some really great parts in this world' person.  Those two kinds of people don't usually mesh well. But we did. Unless we didn't.

Fuck. Round and round and round we go.

If he'd just not looked at me.