Breaking Apart

I loved you so much. I loved the way you looked at me and made me feel and your smile and a million other things I can't put into words.

I had never felt loved before. I had never felt so accepted and understood and so....loved.

You had these moments when you were angry and while I knew it was never towards me I felt a little sick inside. It felt like you would say those things about me someday and the idea just crushed me.

I'm not sure exactly when I knew you weren't right for me. I remember waking up one morning after you'd gone to work. The noise of the city a comforting background noise in your empty apartment. I remember a song floating in the outskirts of the dream I'd just had. "Loving you is easy" and "Loving you's the right thing to do..."  The first phrase is from a Sarah McLachlan song. The second phrase I kept hearing as a question. And when you listen to Carly Simon sing it, her voice lilts.

I heard both sets of those lyrics in the quiet of your home and I knew I wasn't sure.

I denied it, shook it off but it came back on Thanksgiving. You were so cold that day. All I wanted was for us to be together, to celebrate being thankful for all the good things we had, even if you felt they were too few. But you had other plans. You wanted to work on your music and I didn't mind. I loved that you were so creative. I loved that you were writing a song-I even think I might have inspired it though I never dared to ask.

All day you played. But not before you rolled your eyes at me while cooking breakfast. A meal we'd always enjoyed together suddenly became just food. I had told you I was thankful to have you

I saw you roll your eyes and sigh disgustedly while you scrambled my eggs and I knew I wasn't sure.

I burst into tears and told you how the very bottom of my heart ached with sadness. I tried to explain that I was hurting because it was the first holiday without both of them and that all I wanted was for us to be together and have happiness and you told me to eat my food. You tried to help I think, in your way. You suggested a few things but they always came back to how you were feeling. You went back to your music. I went to the kitchen. While I baked pie, you recorded your song and shushed me when the 'kitchen sounds' were picked up on the mic.

You asked me where the gravy was before you said anything else and I knew I wasn't sure.

Two weeks passed. Enough time for me to miss you. I couldn't wait to hold you, talk to you. I'd been feeling empty since the holiday and wanted so very much to fix it. You came inside and hugged me with your sideways smile and I fell into you.
"I missed you."
"Don't smother me,ok?"

You walked passed me to the kitchen and complained when I didn't have what you wanted and I knew I wasn't sure.

I told you I was feeling sad, insecure and confused. I told you I needed you to be there for me, to try and understand. You told me I was acting weird, that I needed to see a counselor. You couldn't comfort me and told me to eat my food. We watched tv in silence, you on your phone, me sniffling in the opposite couch corner. And then you were tired and we went to bed and it felt different somehow. It hurt my heart and made me exquisitely happy at the same time. But I knew it would be the last time. You slept then and the routine of the morning came and went.

I tried to call. I tried to write. I tried to message and email and call again. You were busy. You were sick. You were not there when I needed you and I knew I was sure.