After a Glass of Wine---or two

I have a crush on Ferris Bueller. Seriously, his confidence is HOT. And that little smile? Makes me come down with a case of the vapahs

I've been trying this online dating thing-I went exploring somewhat begrudgingly. I've always wanted to meet someone face to face, feel a spark and have that spark turn all fire-y and wonderful. So far, not so much. So I tried this site. It has a corny name and although I didn't go in very optimistically, I'd be lying if the near constant 'ping' of chat requests didn't make me all giggly.

My hopes were immediately proven to be too high.

What I've learned so far is this: Old men with really bad mustaches, computer zombied 'tech' guys with moobs, and horny frat boys are pretty much what makes up an online dating site.

Occasionally you might come across a profile that says his perfect first date is coffee and a nice chat. Clearly coffee means casual sex and a nice chat means 'I don't want to know you'.

And why the hell not? According to more than a few I have the following traits:

I'm cute.
I'm nice.
I'm funny.

I sound like a cousin.

I wanna be sexy. Bad. Dirty.

It's just not gonna happen I don't think. Well now, wait a tick. I know I can be those things and there are a select few that would agree so I have proof.

God what was I talking about?

I told my coworker that I was thisclose to finding a lesbian to settle down with.  Well, I would if I was into lady parts. And if women weren't completely batshit crazy.

Oh yeah we are. COMPLETELY BATSHIT

And men are stupid. This has been said countless times I know, but I always thought people just said it to be well, to be jerks. But dammit, it is true. They think with their nether region and rarely allow rational thought to lead the way. They make stupid decisions, usually because their junk told them to and then they act like it's our fault somehow.

God but they're neat aren't they? They smell good-well, most of the time. If they don't you certainly won't miss it because another thing about men? They like poop. And they like to talk about it.  It's a weird kind of fascination I don't understand. But then they probably don't get why that pair of shoes or that purse or that (in my case) book is so freaking important to own.

I suppose it's good we don't really need communication to have sex or the world would never be populated. Imagine how easy things would be if we could just grunt, point and drag each other by the hair every once in awhile?

Or you know, you could just have a crush on a movie character.