I've Been a Good Girl

It's that time of year again Fat Man. I have a list for you. Before you hop on your reindeer pulled contraption maybe you'll take a minute to actually read my requests. You'll have to pardon my shortness but you haven't exactly come through for me the last few years have you?

I won't mention the lack of world peace or additional dollars to my bank account.

I'm not a materialistic person. I don't NEED anything. But if Commericalmas has taught me anything, it's that I should be given expensive things this time of year and so it's with that in mind that I present to you:

       DA LIST

• I want an iThing. I don't even really care which one. iPhone, iPad, iRobot....whatever. I want what all the other kids have. 
• I want a ridiculously large television. Something so obnoxiously large my friends ask me if I'm overcompensating for my small penis. 
• I'd like a dresser that doesn't resemble something from a Dr. Suess book. *I tried to move it with a giant ancient television that weighs a ton and the weak Ikea wood sort of.....bent. 
• I want every book, movie and album I want but don't already have. That in itself is a hefty list Fat Man. (see attached) 
• I want to travel to Europe. Does this request need to be directed to Pere Noel or some other foreign Santa? I want it to go to the right people.
• I want my dad to not have any bills. I want him to be well and happy and stress free. 
• I want to hire a maid to clean my house regularly. She/he has to be willing to clean cat shit boxes and occasional cat vomit stains off of light colored carpet as well as holding her own with giant dust bunnies and random debris. Laundry skills are a plus. 
• I want a car, insurance, and a license. 
• I want to take all of my friends out-ALL of them-at the same time to a giant dinner with anything they want to eat or drink. 
• I want to tell Elvis that there are a LOT of songs about him. You can get Elvis can't you Fat Man?
• I want to watch the news and for one day only good things be reported. 
• I want a dining room table so I can put more shit on it and never use it for actual dining. 
• I want new living room furniture-preferable a sofa that doesn't suck my ass, a chair that you can sit in without fear and a coffee table that doesn't look like a dining table for midgets. 
• I want the people that wander out in front of my store to find the help they need. 
• I want a set of sheets that I didn't buy with the ex-boyfriend. 
• I want to know how to sing, how to knit and how to play the piano. Oh, and speak Spanish. 
• I want a comfortable desk chair. Sitting here writing this to you shouldn't be painful for me. 
• I want a drag queen to make me over. 
• I want to be published and yeah, maybe a little famous. What? Don't give me any shit Fat Man-EVERYONE knows who you are. 

I can probably get some of these things myself.

I could learn how to play piano. I could get my license. I could maybe find a drag queen to make me over. But Commercialmas says that all I have to do is sit on your lap, whisper in your ear and tell you what I want. It says I deserve a new car, and a diamond ring and that I should drink something called 'egg nog'. What the hell is 'nog' anyway. Does it come from eggs?

Commercialmas also says I should  be nice to people that are holiday-stressed douchebags or I will receive a lump of coal in my stocking. First of all, who the hell wears stockings? If I felt like my last pair of clean socks were in danger of being soiled with...wait...doesn't coal eventually turn into a diamond?

Hmmm...Ok Santa.

If you give me Patience,  I'll take the coal and have fun while I'm waiting.