Remnants

You never expect the call to come but it always seems to come in the middle of the night. That call of dread that no one wants telling you someone is hurt, in trouble or dead.

I used to get calls like that on what seemed like a daily basis for about 3 years. Every time the phone rang I'd jump. This was before caller ID and the ability to 'accept' or 'reject' a call. I don't know that either of those choices are still the right one.

It's been almost 5 years and still I keep my phone by my bed. When it wakes me a shiver of fear runs through before I remember she's already gone.

It's different now. The phone could ring about Dad or any of the uncles or cousins or aunts or friends...It scares me to think about losing someone. Terrifies me actually. The people in my life are there for a reason and I'd be devastated to lose any of them.


It's not that I don't understand that death happens. I think I probably have a pretty good relationship with morality-watching a loved one die will do that to you. And I'm not angry at God-I don't even know him-or pissed at the Universe for not doing what I wanted.

I guess it's just that the sadness is so....thick. Overwhelming and consuming and it changes you every time. The loss is something you never get over, there is always a part of you that's just...gone. It becomes easier to understand or deal with as time passes, but it doesn't go away.

I woke up this morning with the remnants of a dream in which I'd lost all those I hold dear to me. Made my Cheerios a little less cheery you know?

At least the phone didn't wake me.