Buffer

Why are all the good ones taken?

A question women have been asking for years. This woman too.

I've had some good ones...they are all married or otherwise taken now. Maybe only one exception. And when I say 'had' I don't mean in the biblical sense. I mean emotionally had-and usually pretty intensely.

I fall in love hard and fast. I see things that even the most romantic poet might not envision. This is not always good and I've learned from my mistakes and my hopeless romantic heart many times.

If I were to make a list of all the men I'd had feelings for, over 90% of them would currently be in relationships now. Some good, some bad, but relationships I know about-some I know too much about.

You see, I'm the one they call when things suck. I'm the one they call to say things like, "It wasn't like this with you," and "I wish she was more like you."  I'm the one they realize they should have tried harder with.

I remember thinking that I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be the girl they wished they had but I had no idea how lonely that girl could be. Because they don't leave their significant others. They love them. They want to work it out with them.

There's a part of me that recognizes how sad that sounds. How defeated and truth be told I don't really feel like I've never been loved. I'm reminded now of some advice my grandmother gave me when I was 15 and not ready to hear it.

I was professing my love for a boy at the time and she listened to me swooning as she crocheted on the couch. She eventually put down the needles and took my hands in hers. "Lindsay. Why do you love this boy?"

I quickly came up with a many reasons, one of which I think was because he was cute.

"Do you know why I love your grandfather?"

I shook my head and my teenage eyes rolled-at this point in my life, grandparents weren't very cool.

"I love him because he's good to me. But he's also good to others. He's kind and he treats people with respect. I have no doubt that you love this boy. I think you love him as much as you can at 15."

I remember leaving that conversation feeling kind of angsty, irritated and thinking she didn't know what she was talking about.

But she was right. Fifteen year old love is much different from 21 year old love, 25 year old love and 32 year old love. And I've felt it all.

I started writing this because I wanted to rant about how all the guys I've ever been involved with have since moved on to get married, have children or settle down with a loved one that wasn't me. I wanted to write about how I sometimes felt like a buffer-the nice girl that's there and helps you learn to love. The girl you're with just before you meet your perfect one. But none of that matters really. If they were supposed to be with me, they would be still. Some of the decisions were not mine to end things, some were, some were mutual.

There's a good one out there for me. We haven't found each other yet but when we do, it's gonna be amazing.