Surrounded

I am surrounded by love. I have friends, family, my fella...and yet I still worry that I'm not going to be accepted by...who? That random person in the store?

I wish I didn't have these thoughts. They make life very challenging sometimes.

Going into a bakery or an ice cream parlor makes me anxious. It feels like all eyes are on me, wondering what the hell I'm doing in there-certainly I don't need a treat.

Walking through the clothing section in most stores makes me uncomfortable. I can't even look at the smaller sizes. Instead, I rifle through the brightly colored floral patterned bedazzled tops and jeans that evidently is the preferred style for plus size women. I often end up in the men's section, selecting a tshirt that's usually black.

Meeting new people is hard sometimes. It's not as bad as it used to be-especially here it seems people are a bit more accepting-but it's still hard.

Going to events where a nicer type of dress is suggested-like the ballet or a play or even a really nice dinner out-spikes the anxiety. I never feel like what I'm wearing fits the way it should. It feels like everyone is looking at my clothes and thinking, 'Oh that does NOT look right on a girl her size'.

I choose things like plain black dresses and shirts because it's difficult to find something wrong with them. I rarely wear shirts without sleeves because I feel like my upper arms are one of the more disgusting parts of me. I used to wear shorts more often-I actually liked my legs. But years of being on my feet and the birth of varicose veins along with cellulite and scars have changed my mind.

I don't always feel this way about myself. I get up and get dressed and go out in public, meet people, smile...I function. I don't often feel ugly anymore but I did for a long time. It's a feeling I was used to feeling and that's hard to change.


I don't always think people are judging me. But sometimes, when I'm sitting in a bar and I've just had to move the table so I can fit in the booth...

I struggle with remembering that I am loved and accepted by the only people that matter. My friends, my family, my fella.

And my cats.