She Hulk

I'm annoyed. Irritated. Frustrated. Pissy. Sad.

I have a checklist that I go through before I finally admit I'm going through a bout of depression.

Are you PMSing?
Did you change something in your diet?
Have you been smoking too much pot?
What kind of stresses are you currently dealing with?
Is it the annual date of something tragic?

In other words, I try to find out what the fuck is wrong with me because even now, 20 years later, I refuse to accept that diagnosis. 'Patient shows severe Anxiety/Depression; Borderline Personality Disorder'

Hell of a label.

I know, don't limit myself to that. I'm more than my mental illness. (Christ. Even writing 'mental illness' pisses me off.) Still feels like a label.

I don't want it.

Today might just be a bad day I suppose. It started off pretty gnarly. I woke up around 3am, crying uncontrollably. I woke to my fella gently saying over and over that it was ok, that he was here and that brought comfort but it didn't make the dream fade.

I keep seeing bits of it flashing in my mind throughout my day.

I starting cleaning the house. I used elbow grease and five different cleansers to get rid of bathroom grime and bring distraction. I took out the garbage and straightened up the living room. I did normal things.

I went to take a shower and the faucet came off in my hand. I stood there, naked and sweaty from chores in summer heat and got pissed. A frustrating situation sure, but for a split second I wanted to rip the whole wall down.

I tried to fix it, couldn't and got irate just in time for my fella to come home for lunch. I took a few breaths, a shower and apologized for acting like She-Hulk.

After he went back to work I sat in my chair and cried. It wasn't like the sobbing that woke me this morning. These tears had no point but to escape and it brought me no relief.

I walked outside, took deep breaths under the trees and it did nothing. I didn't even water the yard today.

Today was no different than last Thursday.

I'm not PMSing.
I've done nothing different with my diet except eliminate Ben & Jerry's as a food group which I'm pretty sure is a good thing.
I actually cut back smoking pot. Wasn't doing anything for me-couldn't even relax me.
Money or lack thereof is always a stressor but it's not any worse than it has been for awhile now.
It's the middle of July and I can't think of anything that is the anniversary of something awful.

I feel irritated. I feel frustrated. Pissy. And sad. I'm not sleeping well and I don't care about anything.

I just have depression.