Still 318

Still 318.

Well, technically 317.8 but I think that's cause I pooped right before I weighed myself.

I can't decide how to feel about this.

One day I'm pissed that I weigh so much. I get mad at myself, at the fact that ice cream exists, my genes, anything. I torture myself with thoughts about what I might look like if I wasn't so big. I think about other people that have amazing weight loss stories and I envy them. I hate that my clothes don't fit, that I have to look for things with more than one X on the label and that ordering online is the only place I can find clothes without fucking sequins on them.

I think about how I look when I'm out and about with other people that are smaller than me. Do I look like a freak? A giantess of lard? Does it even matter that I showered and at least tried to look decent? Am I just destined to be the fat girl stereotype? What must others think about me?

Other days I don't care. I don't mean I'm apathetic, although I have those days too. I mean I like myself, and I like how I look and I have ice cream for dinner without beating myself up about it. I look at people with amazing weight loss stories and think, 'good for them,' instead of wishing I was in their shoes. I feel good in the clothes I have on and even smile at my reflection in the mirror as I get dressed. I don't even look at the labels.

I have fun when I'm out with my friends. I laugh and joke and enjoy myself. I don't care what others think about me because I know it ultimately doesn't matter. I feel good on those days.

I argue with myself.

If you would lose weight, you'd feel so much better!
If you ate that ice cream/toast/pasta, it would taste amazing and why not enjoy food?

If you were smaller, you'd have more energy!
If you didn't take that hike/ski trip/other random sporty activity it would be fine because you sincerely like curling up in your chair with a book over those things anyway.

If you didn't weigh so much you'd be able to find more of a selection in the clothing department!
If you give a shit. People so don't care about what you're wearing. You know that.

I just want to be ok with who I am one hundred percent.

I like my insides, a lot actually. After years of ongoing support, kindness and encouragement from friends and family, I am out of the darkness that haunted me predominantly in my 20s. I know and believe I'm kind, caring, funny and honest. I know that people trust me and that I'm loved.

The outsides...well...sometimes, like I said, I'm ok with them. But I'd say it's at a 50/50% right now on how I'm going to feel about my appearance on any given day. Not gonna lie, hormones play a part. If my period is close, I might change my clothes 8 times before leaving the house. And I usually will end up in my standard uniform of a black v-neck and jeans.

Still 318 and every day I feel different about it. Maybe that's ok. I don't know. I can't decide.