Trying

I miss mom. All of a sudden I just really wanted to hear her voice and remembering I couldn't washed over me. She could always make me feel better, even when I didn't know I needed to. I have to wonder though if I would share with her all the things I'm struggling with. It would have made her sad and I hated seeing her that way.

It was suggested that I try and make a list of positive things, things that make me happy and I've been sitting here for 15 minutes staring at the cursor blink. It''s hard to find it when you don't feel it.

The other night when I was on the way home from the party I wrote in my ever present notebook. I wrote fast and in the dark and then forgot about it until last night.

Everybody thinks it gets easier when you get older. They're so wrong. It's not just about bills and work and being responsible. It's not staying out late drinking and talking through your problems instead of breaking up every five minutes. Time moves faster than you ever knew it could. People die and you're expected to understand and not just fall down and cry. You are expected to be strong. To smile, nod and act like everything doesn't suck. 

Why is it not ok to feel like shit? I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel this way. For some reason, I feel like I can't feel this way.

I usually can pull myself out of these things. I can find good stuff, happy stuff but the challenge seems too difficult right now and that scares me. I have too much time on my hands to think about everything. I have X ghosts haunting me, fucking with my reality. I have memories of mom bubbling up and mixing with the rain. My fingers can't fly fast enough on the keyboard to get it out and I don't even know how to begin.


But I'll try.


The sound of rain on the car's roof, against the window, on the skylights, or a tent's dome while camping in the woods
Fresh coffee and cream
Sweet cakes, chocolates, jam filled scones, anything a bakery might conjure
Stacks of books borrowed from the library
Books purchased from a bookstore with the receipt still tucked into the novel on top
Finding something that reminds me of mom or grandma
Conquering a challenge
Eating breakfast out
Leaf littered streets
Windstorms
Hearing The Fella snore, or laugh with his friends, or talk to the cats
Texting with friends
The color red
Being at the ocean, in the forest, at the base of a mountain
When a book grabs you with the first sentence
Driving
Listening to a new song and feeling it
Smelling pine trees
Gnomes
Clicking with someone new
Meowing with my cats
Trees
New episodes of a good show
Cloud watching
Pumpkins on a store front


I guess that's a good start. A lot of these came quickly, some I had to remind myself of by pausing and looking at my surroundings. I suppose that's sort of how this works. If you can't remember why you're happy, stop and look around a bit. Chances are, you're surrounded.

This doesn't quite feel like what I wanted to write about but I'm trying.