Be Nice

I don't know how to be nice to myself.

I guess I could say I've tried. I tell myself nice things once in awhile but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

I don't hate myself. Not anymore. I only know I don't because I used to. I'd get so angry and sad at who I'd become that it would send me into a dark depression. I have flare ups, but it's not like it was.

I know I'm a good person. Kind, funny, friendly...I have good attributes and I know that. I know that despite the fact that I am larger than average, I'm still somewhat attractive. I have begun to believe others when they compliment me.

But I'm still not really...cool with myself.

I talk a lot in my sleep. I laugh, cry, moan and scream in my sleep. It's rare that I don't make some sort of noise in the night. Because I don't sleep alone, and The Fella sleeps light, he tells me what I say sometimes.

My favorite recollections are of when I'm talking in 'manager voice'. These conversations usually happen when I've spent time talking about my old job or my challenge to find a new one. Makes sense but it's still kinda interesting to realize that has such a strong hold of me still.

The worst stories are like the one from this morning. The Fella asked if I'd slept alright and I could tell from his tone I'd said something weird in my sleep. My first thought was that I'd talked about an ex or something. It was worse.

"You said, 'If I keep eating ice cream, I'll never fit behind the wheel and I'll just have to roll everywhere.' "

He said it without a trace of humor and I just instantly...felt bad. Bad that I said it out loud and that he heard it. Bad that I felt it was kind of true. Bad that I said things like that about myself, without even being conscious of it. It's in there deep...this dislike. This habit of being unkind to myself.

I don't know how to be nice to myself.

I have ghosts of the past that haunt me with hard memories. I have things happen in my life that trigger those ghosts and make them active, taking flight in my mind, haunting me aggressively. I can be frightened from those harsh words at any given time and in the moment, brush them off to move forward. But they often visit later, in my dreams, never really gone. I don't know how to let them go.

When I was in therapy, I realized that a lot of those ghosts were results from interactions with people in my life that I'd previously just brushed off. That was just 'who they were' instead of realizing that even if that was true, it didn't have to be who they were to me. I could create boundaries and not let the hurt in. But that was hard. Really hard in most cases and I struggled. Still do. I have had a lot of things said to me over the years, in critical moments that have molded who I am, how I feel about myself. I wish that wasn't true but there it is. I don't know how to heal from that. Or even if I can.

The hardest part about this is that I know I'm not very nice to myself and I've been working on it for a long time. I used to be one of those people that self deprecated all the time but did it amusingly so that it didn't seem mean. Or I'd declare 'it's just the truth' with a shrug and then change the subject. I don't make fun of myself anymore. At least not consciously.

Clearly that self loathing is still hanging out inside and I'm not sure how to let it go. I admire people that have a good understanding of themselves and who like who they are. I strive for that. I admire confidence and charisma. I want to have it but...I don't know how to be nice to myself.