Rough Patch

Been on the verge of tears for days now. At first I thought it was my lady time and then I figured it was just depression rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's both. I don't know. All I do know is that everything seems a lot more difficult to deal with then it normally does.

Every time I look at my cat I feel tears well up. I don't want to do that, I want to be able to enjoy her. It's like as soon as I knew she didn't have much time left she got worse. Every bit of mucus on her nose is more red with blood. Every sneeze is followed by another. Every cough her whole body shakes. She's so sick and I know it and yet she still climbs in my lap and lets me pet her and love her and I can't let her go yet.

I fucking KNOW about cats. It was my job for nearly a decade. I taught others about cats. Why did I suddenly go stupid about what to do? I already miss her.

I'm lucky. I have had her with me for a long time. I know that. I know that I'm lucky to have a friend that will help end her suffering when it's time to make that decision. I know that I'm lucky she will be here with me and not have to endure a scary encounter before she's gone. But I don't feel lucky. I feel betrayed which is ridiculous. Nature does what it needs to do and I knew she wasn't going to be around forever but why does she have to go now?

She's my girl and there isn't anything I can do.

Every shit thing that is happening right now seems intensified because I'm raw with emotion about my cat. I write that and I know some people will never understand that feeling and others know exactly what it means.

I'm struggling. I wish I was as strong as everyone thinks I am. I don't feel strong. I feel...pointless.

I know it will be better and you can tell me that it will pass and that time is healing and blah blah blah I'll be ok but I don't fucking FEEL OK RIGHT NOW and I so desperately wish to.

I've got to try. I don't want to give up. I just don't want to fight anymore. It's exhausting and I deserve to have good things happen. I try and I AM trying and sometimes it seems like it doesn't matter which doesn't make me want to keep trying. But I do.

For others. For my Fella and my Dad and my friends that love me and my family that loves me...and my cat.