Significant Perspective

I had an interview at a place I was excited about working. It took a month to get the interview but I felt it was worth the wait. When I got there and got over the initial interview jitters, I relaxed and started to feel like the questions were easy.  I showed confidence without being a dick and when I left the interview, I left hopeful and with my head high.  Despite the closing statement of, "We'll let you know by the end of the week." I never heard from them again.

I went through a ridiculous roller coaster of emotion. I was hopeful for the first week-they must just be busy. I mean, obviously they're short staffed right? The second week I felt I wasn't good enough-otherwise they'd call, right? The third week I got angry. You can't take five minutes to call and say, I'm sorry we went with someone else?

My cat was diagnosed with cancer. I've written about this before and I can't right now but needless to say I'm affected by the news. I give her whatever she wants and treasure every moment I still have. It's all I can do and I know it and I've finally come to terms with that I think. For now. It could change.

I took my driving test and failed. I fucked up backing around the corner and a few other small things, but it was the corner that got me. I was embarrassed and disappointed and frustrated. It felt like another setback in whatever I was trying to do with myself and I cried as soon as the instructor wasn't around.

Today while in the shower I started thinking about these things that had happened recently and the emotion behind them. I started thinking about how there are far worse problems that people are suffering from in this life. That's true but...it doesn't mean my problems are insignificant.

I've struggled with accepting myself for many many years. I have learned how to identify my struggles. I have learned how to feel about them and how to work through it. But I still have trouble allowing myself to feel them. For some reason, I don't think that my situations or problems are significant and I get angry at myself for feeling them sometimes. I compare them to parents mourning their children lost in a senseless shooting or to someone battling cancer. I tell myself I'm being ridiculous because it's 'just a cat' or 'just a driving test' or 'just an interview'.

I don't know that's true anymore. She is definitely not just a cat. And I worked hard to pass that test. It was a disappointment to fail. I fucking nailed that interview-I was sure of it. And the feeling of frustration at the inconsideration of no follow up is justifiable.

If someone else had voiced these exact same issues to me, about themselves, I would have comforted them and been empathetic. I would say I understood, and hugged them or gotten angry with them, whatever they needed. I wouldn't for one moment think they were being ridiculous. And I was lucky to have friends that did exactly that.

I've had people tell me that I need to not be so hard on myself, or to give myself a break and I'm trying.

She's my cat and I love her and it's ok to feel sad that she's not going to be around as long as I thought she would.

I am going to practice and practice and then practice again until I get that backing around the corner bullshit perfect. I will pass the test and if I don't....I'll try again.

I will let go of the interview and the outcome or lack thereof. I am hurt, frustrated, and maybe a little mad still. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I'll keep looking for what is right for me until I find it.

Looking for work is hard. Losing a pet is hard. Failing is hard. It's ok to acknowledge these things and work through the pain or frustration they bring. It's ok to feel sad and mad and sad again. It's ok to be human. I've got to just work on allowing myself to remember that.