Default State

I was watching some video on the internet about the Game of Thrones characters and it made me smile. It was only two minutes and as soon as it ended I just felt my whole face fall back into nothing.

I'm sad.

I found out my eldest cat has cancer and may not live to the end of the year. I have had her for 15 years and every day she's more a part of me. I'll have to wrap my head around her not being here, purring on my shoulder. I can't do that yet.

I'm worried.

I still don't have a job. I don't have any income and last night The Fella had to pay a bill for me. I hated it. I'm tired of not being able to pay for things myself. Looking for a job is so disheartening and I'm trying so hard to just stay positive and keep looking and some days, most days lately, that's hard to do.

I'm anxious.

I love driving. I was so afraid of it for so long and now that I've finally found the courage to get out there and try it, I've found I'm pretty good at it. I could still work on parking a bit but I feel comfortable and that's kind of neat. I'm anxious because I still need my license. I need to make an appointment and give it a shot. The idea of a test makes me nervous. Any time my performance might be judged is nerve wracking for me. I'm anxious because it's another expense.


I know I haven't been as affectionate as I usually am. I haven't been as smiley or laughing or fun. I feel like I'm cranky and not saying the right things ever and can't think clearly and that it's just better if I'm not around anyone.  I feel like I'm pushing people away at the same time I'm clinging to them to stay. I feel blah, a little dead inside. I'm on autopilot.

I don't care about a whole lot. I just want to sit with my cat and treasure her. I want to drive and go places at the same time I want to read all day. I want to cook new things and bake treats at the same time I want to go out for dinner. I'm all over the place.

I don't know what I am right now and that makes me worried, anxious.....sad.