Woe is Me

It occurs to me about halfway through a rant that I'm not happy right now.

I feel irritated and kind of sad and very just woe is me. Because I don't like the way it feels, I want to try and change it. Gotta find the root of the problem in order to do that....and my brain starts spinning.

I go through the checklist.

Work? No, work's pretty good right now. Changes are happening and it's challenging, but I'm learning and feeling pretty good about the progress so far.

Money? Sort of. Never have enough it seems, but who does?

Sex life? Oh wait, don't have one of those.

Family? Dad and I are good. Got to see my Unc lately-we even had dinner one night.

Weather? I used to love this time of year. The colors of the trees, the crisp fall air, the smell of wet leaves and fireplaces...Now, I'm just sort of....meh.

And then....

Today is the 12th of October. My Mom would have been 58 in 3 days. It will be 6 years next month that she died. I guess I'd never really put it together that when the weather starts to change, I remember.

The hospital visits. Dad's tears. The phone calls, lack of sleep, the worry, the hope, the waiting...The funeral. The blurred time after with family, friends, and then...alone.

Alone? Yes. Very much so. The apartment seems so big sometimes and I feel on the verge of tears too often.

I miss my mom and I'm lonely. Two things I don't have too much control over. I can surround myself with friends or type my woes to strangers but it's still inside me. I've had people ask me if it gets better over time when you lose someone. If the loss, the pain, the hurt, the wishing for just one more day lessens...and it doesn't. You just learn how to deal with it better. Struggling with that rationale right now. Don't really feel like I'm dealing with anything. Don't feel strong. Don't feel confident. Don't feel sure.

Although now I sort of feel like a deodorant commercial.

Sigh.

It won't always be like this, I know that. It seems to come on so suddenly and the feelings are so....consuming. And I end up being whiny and unreasonable and irrational and just a pain in the ass to be around. That's not me and I want to change it, but learning how is hard. Change is hard. Taking the steps to get to where you want to be, that's hard too. Fuck, LIFE is hard. And so many people, self included, don't know that until they're smack dab in the middle of it. No one said it was easy, but they sure as shit didn't say it might be tough too.

One of those things you just have to learn on your own I suppose.