What I Know Now

You know what? Fuck it. This is my blog right? That means I can say what I want and not worry about what other people might think. I mean it is titled, 'I'll Tell You How I Really Feel About That'.

This is what I'm feeling.

I'm pissed off and hurt and angry and jealous and confused and hurt again. I don't want to be any of those things but the rational part of my brain is totally drowning in emotions and for once, I'm just gonna let it.

I am not ok that Ex Boyfriend has moved on with a new girl. It's not because I'd hoped we could be together again. I knew a long time ago that he just wasn't the right man for me.

Then why am I not ok?

I don't know.

Because I wasn't expecting it I guess. 

I'm jealous a little because he's found someone.

I'm also mad. He's willing to try with someone new and my mind went inevitiably to 'what does she have that I don't'.

I feel so...insignificant.

Rationally I know that's not true, but the emotions are winning

Every time I see his name, I think 'He's probably out with her'.  

Ridiculous.

I would have preferred it came from him. And he probably would have told me eventually...

I have to admit, it stings that everyone knew.  I feel like I was the joke everyone got.

I have started writing him an email 3 times. I've gotten his name in the To box and one sentence written before I hit cancel. I don't have a reason to email him. What could I say except, "I know you have a girlfriend."  And when my rational side is winning I know it doesn't really matter.

He's a nice man, a good man, I've said so from the beginning. Just not for me.

Another one.
Not for me.
How many before I'm with the one that is for me?

Add lonely to pissed off and hurt and angry and jealous and confused and hurt again.