What does it mean to be 'happy'? I've asked people that before and the response is always different.
When someone asks me, I really think about it and give an honest answer.
There are a lot of things that make me happy-most of which are the little things that most people don't even notice. Being happy is an emotion that took me a long time to embrace.
Anger too. And I felt it today. I felt my blood proverbially boil. I felt adrenaline start coursing through me and my thoughts became clouded and unfocused. I tried to get lost in a task and found that I couldn't concentrate-I was that pissed. It felt kinda good.
I told someone the other day that life wasn't fair. That you didn't always get what you wanted. He looked like I was speaking some sort of foreign language. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, reminded myself that experience, age, and some fucking common sense is something that I had and he didn't. I almost feel sorry for him now when I think of it-life is going to slap him in the face one day.
When I was on MySpace, they had these little options of 'current emotion' or 'currently feeling' or some such noise and I always picked what matched the closest to my current state.
If I had that option now, it couldn't be just one word because really my feelings are never just one at a time. I've got lots of stuff going on inside of me and that doesn't count what you might see from the heart on my sleeve.
Right now I feel sad a little cause I really wish I could call Mom and talk to her. Now more than ever as I explore my emotions, who I am, and start to really like who I find-I wish so much I could share that with her.
I felt pride because I know I made some really good decisions at work and not only did my boss see it, but I saw it. That was a new one for me too. Pride feels good.
My ex-boyfriend asked me if I was dating anyone. I told him no, that I was working on getting to know myself. "You've been doing that a long time," he said.
I answered him without hesitation.
"I'm worth the wait."
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