Life Now

 She said I was sad and it's true. I used to be happy and sarcastic and silly and I don't really recognize myself right now. I don't know how to get back. I honestly don't see how anyone can help. Or what I could do to feel more like I used to. Life is different now and I don't like how to live in it. 

I used to be so friendly. I wasn't worried what someone might think about my friendliness. I didn't worry they would think it was fake. Now I avoid people. 

I can't seem to be happy in my skin and just love myself as is. I don't like how I look at all. It makes me feel sad and frustrated and less than. Every time I eat anything I feel fat and guilty about it. Disgusted.

I think entirely too much about what others are thinking about me. 

I spent my whole childhood being told how special I was. The 'miracle baby'. Now I'm an adult and I suck just like everybody else. 

I can't decide if I want to be happy with how I am or if I'm angry for being what I am. 

The fairy tale isn't real. Disney has led us on for years. Relationships are nothing like they are on tv, in the movies, on social media. They're hard sometimes and you don't always like the person you're with even if you love them. 

If I just believe that no one with come through. Or that no one will be kind. Or that anything will work out, well I guess I can't be disappointed that way. Anything good then would be a surprise. 

I'm terrified of failure so I don't try. 

I'm afraid of people getting mad at me or being mean. It's why I don't speak up more. But I want to be brave. I want to say things like, "Fuck you. You're a dick and I don't have to take in what you're saying to me because it means NOTHING." I imagine saying something like that if I saw someone being bullied or treated unkindly. I want to be brave enough to do this without worrying about confrontation. I want to be brave enough to do the right thing. I used to be. 

Life right now is full of these kind of thoughts. I keep a notebook next to me all the time and I write the thoughts down so I can reread them and decide if they're true or not. They are.