I.A.S.

 It's hard to think of it as 'grooming' when you start it. He was 28, I was 17 and didn't care at all. My reasoning was that my parents were 11 years apart, so it clearly wasn't a big deal to have an age difference. And the longer we communicated, the more I was convinced I was falling in love. It always feels like love when you're 17. 

He was the overnight DJ on a radio station I listened to. One night I was up late, cleaning my room I think or just rearranging the posters on the wall-it doesn't matter. I called to request a song. Brown-Eyed Girl, 'because I am one'. And he played it. I called him back to say thank you and before I knew it, hours had gone by and it was nearing 6 o'clock in the morning and the end of his shift.  

I went to school floating that next day. I'd had one of those magical talk through the night conversations with someone that seemed to really get me and it was elating. I felt special. Someone seemed to like me for me. 

We talked every time he was working. I'd be put on hold while he addressed the listening audience and wait patiently for his attention to come back to me. He'd sometimes play songs he knew I liked just because he knew I liked them and I could feel myself liking him more and more. It was easy to do, and exciting. 

I told him where I worked and one night, he was there. We'd never seen each other but I just knew it was him. He was wearing Chucks and a band tshirt and flannel. The uniform of the 90s. He never said a word, just sat in my section. The hostess told me he'd asked for it and then I knew. I was bursting but so nervous to approach him first. 

Before he left, he came up to me and simply said 'Hi Lindsay' and handed me a letter. He told me to read it after he left. I was completely mystified and intrigued and smitten. He'd written me a letter! It was exactly what my 17 year old heart wanted. 

Inside the beautiful stationery were words that I had waited my whole teenage life wanting to hear. He'd written it BEFORE he saw me and that made it so special. He told me he was concerned about the age difference but that my maturity level made it easy to forget. He told me he loved talking to me and that I was the highlight of his day. He told me he hoped to meet my parents one day. I was over the moon and so happy. 

It didn't last. 

He didn't drive and neither did I but I had a friend that did and C helped us see each other by providing rides. She was there with us, IAS and I were never really alone. One night, IAS claimed to not be feeling well and C offered to take him home. I thought nothing of it. She was supposed to drop him off and then come back to my house to stay the night. 

I got in a terrible fight with my dad that night. It was the only time I left the house in anger. I had a friend come pick me up and I walked out the door in tears. After I'd been at my friend's house for awhile and calmed down from the fight with dad, I wanted to talk to IAS. Or C. I paged IAS but got no response. That was the way it used to be then. You just had to wait. I tried C to tell her I wasn't at home. Nothing. And that's when my brain started spinning. 

C was a year younger than me and we'd been friends for a couple of years. Long enough that I considered her one of my best friends. I trusted her. She'd been flirty with IAS but she was always flirty so again, I thought nothing of it. Until they didn't answer their phones. First I thought there was something wrong and then I felt something wasn't right. I knew where IAS lived and I asked my friend to take me by his place. I didn't know what I was going to do when I got there but something in my gut told me I needed to just go. 

The car ride downtown was filled with a pregnant silence. I just had a feeling, I just knew something was going on. Sure enough, when we drove by his place, C's car was parked out front. I could see the exhaust pluming from it so I knew she was in the car. I couldn't understand why she was still there but I wanted to just tell her not to go to my house.  

My friend parked her car down the street and I walked slowly to C's car. As I got near, I could see the windows were foggy and then I just...I didn't want to know. I ripped the passenger side door open and there he was. IAS and C were  holding hands and clearly had just pulled apart from one another. A million thoughts and feelings went through me. I was hurt, surprised, confused and jealous all at the same time. "It just happened, I'm sorry."  "We didn't plan for this to happen, it just did." They tried to explain but I just stood there, my heart breaking. Here was the guy I'd hoped for, longed for and finally had a chance to have, wrapped up with my best friend. I looked at her, saw her guilt and felt nothing. 

"I just wanted to tell you not to go to my house because I won't be there." I closed the passenger door and walked back to my friend's car. I was numb. My heart hurt. 

But I forgave them. Both. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't that big of a deal since IAS and I hadn't even kissed or anything. I made myself forget about the letter filled with promise and decided that I would be fine with them being a couple. Oh but I wasn't. Every time I saw them together my heart ached a little more. He started playing songs he knew she liked during his shift, sending out dedications to his 'sweet 16'. In order to show how 'ok' I was with everything I lied to my parents about where I was going and a bunch of us went and stayed the night at IAS's house. I lay there listening to C and IAS kissing and moving around on the bed in a way that was undeniable. I didn't sleep. I cried silently and asked myself over and over what I was doing there. I wanted to go so badly but I was stuck. I waited impatiently for the sun to rise so we could leave and I could go home to cry in my own bed. 

They dated for awhile. I know they had a sexual relationship. During the school day, I tried to be friends with C but couldn't handle listening to how amazing IAS was. It was a difficult time for me. I wasn't strong enough to stick up for myself, to say all the things I should have said. 

I look back on all of this and I can see how wrong it was. A 28 year old man had no business trying to woo a 17 year old with conversations and letters. And he certainly shouldn't have then moved on to my younger friend.  Eventually she dumped him for another guy and we never heard from him again. I changed radio stations to listen to at night but I held onto the letter for a long time. 

He'd made me feel wanted, desired. And it felt like C swooped in and took that all away. It hurt for a long time. I don't remember exactly what it was that made me stop having feelings for him-likely another boy, one my own age-but I got over him. 

I was watching a show the other day and the relationship was eerily similar to mine. I watched, nearly 30 years later and felt disgust. IAS should have known better. Even if I was the one who started it.