Sob Story

 I'm having a hard time. It's likely pms but I hate always having that as an excuse. Maybe I'm just sad. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling this way. I actually had a dark thought pass through while I was in the shower today. I looked at my body and started crying. It's not a pretty body and I can't seem to love it as it is. 

I have days where it doesn't seem to matter that much but then it does again and I can't seem to shake it. I have people around me, surrounding me with love and it should help but it doesn't. I can't seem to absorb their compliments. It doesn't feel like they're lying anymore which is better than how I used to feel. But I still can't let the kind words mean anything. 

It's not just my body. It's my hair too. And my face. My hair I miss so much. When it was long I could hide behind it. When I got it cut it was supposed to be this great symbol of new beginnings and instead it just made me feel ugly. My face has created more chins than I need and when I look at myself in the mirror, I want to cry then too. Damn video chat has become some sort of torture device. 

I can't find anything to do with myself. I have a jigsaw puzzle and my books and my husband but none of those things seem to be enough anymore. I went away for a few days to gaze at the ocean and feel her calm. It helped a little but every time I was out of the hotel room, I felt the anger and frustrations from those around me. It was just a little tourist town but it was full and I was contributing to it-felt hypocritical. 

I feel like I'm drifting away from my husband because all of the activities we usually have done together were cancelled. COVID is not just a pandemic. It's soul sucking. It's depressing and it puts strain everywhere. And I have it lucky. I don't have kids to try and explain it to or suddenly become a teacher for. I don't have a loved one in the hospital that I can't see. I am not homeless and I am not struggling with no longer having a job. 

That's another thing that I think about and kind of hate about myself right now. I can't work. I mean, physically I could but my mental health holds me back. And because of that, I don't even want to try anymore. When I allow myself to ponder the idea of getting back out there, my heart begins to race. I replay every scenario I went through when I was working and things were bad. I remember all of the harsh words, lack of encouragement, and political nonsense that evidently any corporation has. 

I know hate is a strong word and I don't want to use it when describing myself but there it is. It feels very much like there is no escaping these feelings and if it is just pms, well I hate that too. 

I just want to feel good again.