Liars

My anxiety is such a liar. You're probably tired of reading about my anxiety adventures. Not as much as I am of experiencing them.

Last night I went online to check the symptoms of a heart attack. Again. Because my anxiety is a liar. It makes my chest tight and my heart beat quickly and then it sends my thoughts into a tailspin of 'oh god, what's wrong, am I going to die?' and the tightness gets tighter and I feel like everything is falling apart inside.

Once I've accepted I'm probably not going to die of a heart attack, I begin to wonder what else it might be because it couldn't possibly be anxiety. I'm not that bad, right? Gallbladder?

I looked up symptoms of an angry gallbladder and sure enough, I have a few. New anxiety. What if something is wrong? So I make a doctor appointment. New anxiety. The doctor's office is not a place I feel comfortable. I hate the smell. It smells like the hospital my mother died in. And they weigh me and I get the sense my doctor feels I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Every test I've taken has come back positively and there is nothing seemingly wrong. But my anxiety is a liar and it makes me believe differently.

When depression gets into the mix, that's when it gets really fun. I feel sad on top of the anxiety and I feel like nothing I do matters. I tend to do a lot of nothing during these times. I can't even tell if it's better to have them alternate or just in one giant muck of bullshit that eventually fades until it's bearable. The depression is a liar too.

So I'm surrounded by liars.