Random Thoughts

Why is one of my fingernails ridiculously longer than the others?

It feels like time no longer exists. Each night I lay in bed, telling myself that the next day holds promise-that I can go out and do things and then I sleep until noon and nothing happens.

My cat scratches and licks all the time and she doesn't have fleas. I think she has anxiety like I do. Is it fucking catching now?

I read something I wrote 2 years ago about my anxiety and how it lead to my eventual departure from work and I was so blinded. My supervisor was not the right supervisor for me and perhaps for several others.

I want to get away. I want to go to the ocean or the mountains--just somewhere quiet.

I wish my husband liked more of the same things as me.  We have so many opposite interests that it used to worry me. It doesn't anymore. It just makes spending time together a challenge sometimes.

I seem to be having a bit of the ol depression monster on my back again and that's just lame.

My anxiety only flairs up when I have to interact with people so... good thing we're all in quarantine.

You don't realize how fat your face is until you use video chat. Not a good look. I don't even care about food anymore-nothing really tastes good. Unless I'm high and I do that often because I'm fucking BORED.

My hands are dry from washing them so often.

I'm being a whiny shit. There are people working every day and feeling uncomfortable in masks or with cranky assholes that make their job more difficult.

Should I go for a drive? Get out and get a coffee or something? And go where? I used to think I'd just drive places, didn't matter where but now that I can I just don't care.

I don't care about anything right now. Apathy is kind of a dick.

I didn't shower today because fuck it. I don't smell and no one's going to see me anyway.

The weather is my favorite kind and I'd love to be out in it but I'd also love to have company and no one is available and my husband doesn't like the outdoors. Well, that's not true, I do have a couple friends available but I don't call them because I feel like my anxiety would just peak and it's better to avoid that right?

My fucking cat keeps pissing on my office chair. I don't know why and I don't care. I just want the little shit to stop it. It doesn't matter if I clean it with the best cleaner I have, it's stuck in my nose.

I kind of just want to scream at the top of my lungs for no reason.

I could try painting I guess but the last few I've done seemed less than great and I don't want to be disappointed again. I just don't have the talent I wish I did. I can't even think of something to write about. This post is stupid.

I don't even feel like I want to cry. I just...don't feel anything right now.

The world is kind of a shit storm right now and I don't have the energy to be mad about it. I'm so tired of reading things that make me mad or sad or both. I watch the kitten videos to try and wipe out the ick but you know what? It doesn't really help because the world is just ugly too much.

I still think about my old boss and coworkers. I still miss the environment sometimes even though I don't want to at all.

I let go of someone toxic for the first time ever. Like where I told them I didn't want to hear from them ever again. It was hard but not as hard as it might have been years ago.

I'm not sure I'm going to need to continue therapy. Or maybe I need a different kind. I don't know. I just know it hasn't really been an issue to not have appointments.

I want to live somewhere else. I'm tired of the dogs and the blue lives matter flags and the thumping of bass from the neighbors down the street. I want to rearrange the house and all that's in it. I need change but am afraid of it for almost everything.

I have lots of hair on my chin and it pisses me off.

The house smells like jasmine rice because I made some and then didn't eat any because fuck food.

I sleep a lot. A LOT.

My book is good but not reading during the day good so I watch crime shows or star wars cartoons to keep my mind off the fact that I'm not doing anything.

My best friend calls me every day and it's the highlight. Even if all I do it watch her talk to her kids, it makes me feel less alone.

I have a brand new camera that is slowly gathering dust because all the fucking parks are still closed or too crowded with people not wearing masks. I want out but I'm afraid to go.

Things that used to seem like a good idea just seem stupid now and I can't seem to give a shit. I want to care but I'm too depressed to.

Time meant nothing, never would again.
Time's is hard. Even harder than the worst pies in London.