Gonna Be Alright

I'm fucking irritated. I'm jumpy. I'm sad. I'm annoyed because I'm all of these things. I feel like I could punch someone and I've never once hit anyone before.

I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm tired of life being shitty and not being able to do anything about it. I'm annoyed that it's almost 11 at night and I'm not asleep. I jumped because the stupid air conditioner kicked on, blasting air into the silent room and I hate being jumpy. I'm sad because this last week has had too much loss in it and I'm annoyed that I feel all of these things.

I can feel myself scowling. I can hear my tone of voice carry an edge. I can see the puffy eyes and feel the tension behind them. I can feel my fingers touching the keys but I don't know what I'm saying.

My uncle died. He had pancreatic cancer and had been ill for 7 months. Off and on his health waned, cancer slowing eating his life. I didn't know. When I found out, I heard the pain in my dad's voice and felt angry at the unfairness of death.  Dad had just come from the wake of a friend and was already in mourning. He was already in pain, remembering all others that are now gone.  Loss.

My sleep sucks. It's not happening much and when it does, it's filled with dreams that I don't want to talk about. I woke the other day, crying. The Fella was home but was on his way out and something as simple as him not saying goodbye launched me into a panic. My mind immediately went to a place of ridiculous thought about Loss' pal Abandonment. He had gone to the store, but it felt like he'd left me.

My cat is missing. She just didn't come home and it's breaking my heart. The not knowing what happened, where she is...it's unbelievable how much it affects everything else. That feeling is why I started at the sound of the AC kicking on. Anxiety.

Yet despite all of the annoyances that come with having, well, emotions...I can identify them and that's something kind of new for me. I can tell I'm sad, but I'm not depressed. I've cried every day this week but I'm still functioning. I can tell I'm irritable, but that the  scowling is mostly from lack of sleep. I can tell I'm anxious, a result of changes and the unknown.

I can identify why some things make me feel certain ways and for me, understanding the 'why' is how I get through it, whatever 'it' is.

Unlike this post. I have no idea what it really says, what it means or why I felt I needed to write it but here it is. It's a lot shorter than the one I wrote earlier but I'm not ready to share that one yet.

I guess the gist is: I'm going through some shit right now....but I'm gonna be ok.