Warning

Trigger Warning.

Sometimes the posts would have those two words prefacing a sad page of someone else's troubles. Their stories almost always mimicked my own.

I long ago abandoned the internet's message boards for a therapist and now... the trigger warnings don't come with labels.

They come out of nowhere and one right after the other.

The anniversary of a friend's death and an atmosphere permeated with sadness. An argument that feels bigger than it is and too much coffee. Cards and conversations and hugs and supportive gazes. A year's collection of memories spilling over, mixing with current struggles and tears. Just one day.

A feeling of worthlessness washes over in the middle of normalcy. I hear negative past remarks screaming at me. I hear, "you're not good enough" and "you're going to fail" and "why are you even here?" and that minuscule sprout of self confidence that had been struggling to the surface shies away and dies.

A moment in conversation that brings clarity. Terrifying clarity. I see things about myself now that yesterday I didn't and they're glaring. I feel like a neon sign is flashing at me, reminding me that I will always have something to work on. I have trouble sleeping.

And then, an opportunity. Something within stirs and the sprout again pushes towards life. But before it can be caressed with gentle hope, I hear, "Don't bother" and "Why do you think you could do that?" and "You're still not good enough." and I have to swallow hard to push it down into silence.

I listen to music that brings memories of something I don't want to think about. It hurts and peels a layer away from a healing scar. I want to scream the lyrics and for a moment I do. I punish myself by listening, each pound of the bass a memory when I wasn't me. I change the music.

I come home and make dinner. I don't really want it until I accidentally drop it on the floor.

I cry. I let myself fall into the arms of someone that loves me and sob. I ignore everything else in the world except the feeling of support. I let tears soak his shirt and my heart slow back to normal through deep breaths. He lets me go and I sit quietly for a while before talking about the triggers.

How it felt like they came out of nowhere. One right after the other.

I'm exhausted. My head and eyes hurt from crying and not sleeping well and I want so much for tomorrow to be just another day. The person that loves me has made me laugh and it feels like maybe  the worst part is on it's way out. For today.

You just never know when things can change. When the past will scream at you. When a memory will flood through and wash out all good thoughts in a second. When your dinner will fall on the floor.

No warning.