If It Ain't Broke

I don't like it when I can't fix it. Doesn't matter what it is but I need to be able to find a solution. I need to try different things or use examples or put forth every effort in successfully mending whatever is broken. And I don't like it when I can't.

I don't get angry or mad. Hardly ever. If something irks me, that irk turns into annoyance, then full on dislike. I generally shift to frustration next, and then I feel dispirited...and then on to sadness. I usually cry. I feel extra sensitive about...anything. And I feel like I'm saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong things and that everything is my fault. In short, I internalize whatever has irked me. I feel sad that it happened, or dispirited. I often take things personally when it literally has nothing to do with me.

I'm learning how to handle it but it's a long lesson. I suspect even life long which you know, is kinda disheartening for a person that likes to fix things, needs results, looks for closure.

The Fella doesn't get upset or sad. Hardly ever. Instead, he gets angry. A storm brews inside him and he yells. Never at me. At inanimate objects, at other drivers, at the pain he's in.  When this happens, when he feels this way, I can't fix it. I have to let him be who he is and there have been several times I've noticed the annoyance in him begin when I've suggested things to do to 'help'.  It's not his fault. I get it. It's just like someone telling me, "Oh just let it go. Or..."This too shall pass."

I might know that 'letting it go' is a better idea than dwelling on it.  Or remembering that 'it too shall pass' is better than believing it won't. But it's not as easy as all that when you're in the midst of an emotional ride.

I like to problem solve. I like to fix, take care of, people please. It's my very nature. And when I feel like I can't do that...when I can't make things ok again, it makes me feel worthless, pointless, unimportant. I'm not able to do the one thing that I think I'm really good at and I don't like it.